


Outrun The Stars

by fairydustedtheory



Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Human, Derek's POV, Falling In Love, Fluff and Angst, Hale Family Feels, Idiots in Love, M/M, Miscommunication, Pining, Scott is a Good Friend, Single Parent Stiles Stilinski, Slow Build, on a quest to find happiness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-12
Updated: 2020-04-15
Packaged: 2021-03-01 23:21:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 56,151
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23615134
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fairydustedtheory/pseuds/fairydustedtheory
Summary: Derek never imagined what the universe had in store for him when he helped a little girl find her dad at the farmer's market.featuring : worried Boyd and flirtatious Erica as Derek's best friends. Scott who has a bad habit of adopting people into his pack of friends. A lake where the magic in the stars aligns. and also a jar of fairy dust.
Relationships: Derek Hale/Stiles Stilinski
Comments: 57
Kudos: 516
Collections: My amazing all time favourites., Sterek to read during social distancing





	1. The Farmer's Market

**Author's Note:**

> I'd like to thank my 3 year old daughter for giving her voice to the character of Lucy. 
> 
> Comments are very much appreciated as this is the longest thing I have ever written. 
> 
> Find me on [tumblr](https://fairydustedtheory.tumblr.com/tagged/plot%20twist%20:%20i%20write)
> 
>   
> Please do not repost anywhere, thank you.  
> Also this is a world where Kate and Jennifer don't exist, just because they're awful and I didn't want them in this universe.

Derek parked on the nearest available spot on the salted street. Snow piled up on the sides. He could see the crowded market clearly. The air crisp, people bundled up in their winter coats, their breaths visible.

He seldom searched for human contacts, his adventures had mostly consisted in him driving around until now. Thinking. Remembering. But a strange feeling, something deep wanted him to come here today.

That's why he had woken up so early. Stirred awake by a call from the past.

There was something he needed to do today, and he needed to do it alone. A switch had flipped on in him.

Something was pulling him to go and he was not going to fight it.

  
Not once since moving here had he taken the time to come and just lose himself in the feeling of this town. It wasn't Beacon Hills, he hadn't been back to Beacon Hills in years now. Finishing high-school and he was out of there in a heartbeat, with no intention of ever looking back.

Boyd had been accepted to USC after graduating from BHHS. Boyd had the best time of his life there, acing classes and joining the Black Students union and being an advocate for his community.

Derek couldn't understand what it meant to Boyd, Derek wasn't part of any union, or any community. Derek in all his white privileged glory had been just a fuck-up. He had followed, not bothering with school but finding a little job around there for a while, making some cash helping writing essays for college students.

He had a gift with words, written words that is, not much with spoken words. One of the students told him once that artists are driven by pain, but he just grunted in response.

  
  


Southern California had been the place to be for a while, and then they moved again when Boyd found his job and there they were.

  
  


He couldn't say this place right here was home yet, even after a few years, but the pain seemed to move further away in his memory. It was only now and here he started to heal and be better.

Starting fresh away from the pain, away from the guilt.

Small step by small step.

His mom loved going to the farmer's market back in Beacon Hills. It was a weekly outing for her. She would be talking to people she had never met before. She would smile her truest smile at strangers, and the little kid Derek had been back then had been mesmerized by how beautiful she was, his mom.

He had stopped going with her when he had reached his teenage years though. It had been done without a word. He never had to shout that the farmer's market was just so boring and he didn't want to go. It had been done in just one look.

Talia had looked right at her son one Sunday morning and he didn't want to meet her gaze. She had just said “I'm going” and kissed him on the temple, and from that day he had been able to just sleep through Sunday mornings like teenagers usually do.

He hadn't spared a thought for the farmer's market until the Sunday following the fire.

The first Sunday in all his life where a Hale wouldn't be going to the market.

That seemingly insignificant thought had broken something in him. It felt stupid, to care about something like that when he had just lost his whole world.

But... his mom wouldn't be going to the farmer's market anymore.

  
  


So there he was. And in all his struggle, somehow, this small act felt like one of the biggest stepping stones on his way forward.

  
Derek took a deep chilling breath, inhaling the scent of strong spices from a stall nearby.  
Today was going to be a good day…

Or not.  
  
The first step he took into the market was a near fatal experience as he got knocked over by an old lady with a rolling utility cart.

  
“A freaking grandma with a rolling cart, seriously ?” Derek grunted looking back as the old lady kept going her way as if nothing had happened. Grandmas are fearless these days let me tell you.

Derek was about to rub off some of the dirt on his pants, when he heard a little whimper coming from the ground.

“Oh my god ” Derek crouched down to help the little crying human up. “I'm so sorry, I didn't see you !”  
  
Fuck, this was his day really, having his manliness pulverized by an old grandma and almost murdering a little kid in the process.

He just wanted to reminisce on his childhood without being noticed, that was too much to ask of the universe apparently.

Derek looked up quickly, ready to apologize to the angry parent, only to find none.

People were swarming around the market place, talking loudly, swinging bags in hand and no one was paying any attention to them.

The farmer's market in Beacon Hills wasn't like this, with his mom there, it was a safe place. This, right here, was horrible. Derek wanted to leave.  
  
“Hey, are you okay ?” Derek looked back at the little girl.

He couldn't just leave. He had a heart deep down. The girl covered her face with trembling hands and refused to look at him.

He delicately pulled her fingers, searching her face for any kind of pain. “Are you okay ?” he repeated when she finally let her wet brown eyes meet his. “Hello. I'm Derek. Are you hurt ?” he asked softly brushing a light strand of hair out of her face. He let out a sigh of relief when she shook her head no. “How old are you ?”  
Her little arms still tightly clasped across her chest, eyes focused on Derek and mouth in a tight line, she showed three fingers.  
“You're a big girl then,” Derek smiled encouragingly. He hoped it didn't look too fake. He tried to remember how it was with his little sister when she had been this young. “You have a nice hair clip. Was it your mom who gave this to you ?”

It was always good to find a distraction.

The little girl shook her head again, and at the thought of the flower hair clip, reached a hand to touch it and make sure it still was right in its place.

“It's a gift from my daddy” She smiled, tiny dimples peeking out.

“Are you here with daddy then ?”

She nodded vigorously.

“Yes but I am lost and hurt like baby blue bird.” She said looking up with wide eyes, still a little damp.

She had such an earnest and innocent look that whoever that baby blue bird was Derek could almost feel like wanted to save him too.

“Can you tell me what your daddy looks like ?” Derek stood up and quickly looked around for a father or a cop, anyone to get this little girl home. There wasn't any cop in view, it really was his day, Derek sighed. He had no idea where anything was.  
He offered his hand to the little girl.

“We'll find him together !” He feigned assurance.

The market was huge and there were hundreds of people there... Anyone other than Derek would have known what to do.

“People say daddy and I look alike” the little girl said as she dusted her red winter-coat like a proper little lady. Her attitude contrasted with the loud crowd of people trying to shove past each other.

She appeared so delicate as she took Derek's hand before looking up at him and smiling once again. “Hello, I'm Lucy. I'm not supposed to go with strangers you know. But...” she stopped shyly before adding in a whisper “ I don't know what else to do.”

“Well, Lucy, your daddy must be very pretty if he looks anything like you.” Derek said, and cringed a little at himself. _Crap_ , that sounded creepy, especially after a kid told you they knew about stranger danger.

Lucy giggled.

“You're funny” she said.

Derek wondered if he ever had this adjective directed at himself before.

“Come on let's find him. Where were you when you last saw him ?”

  
  


Derek had to pause and ask the way about four times as the little girl kept going on and on in very long and very detailed and not always meaningful descriptions of all the stalls she had seen with her daddy, and digressed for a while into a very passionate story about a pigeon who only had one leg and seemed to want to steal the cinnamon roll daddy had bought for her breakfast.  
“It still looked like a nice pigeon !” she concluded.

  
About ten minutes in, after they had made their way into the auditorium where some of the market was set during winter time, Lucy adamantly claimed she was too tired and couldn't walk anymore.

Derek promptly lifted her so she could sit on his shoulders. He truly hoped to find the father soon, and not walk in circles and never meet the guy. Derek really didn't want to deal with all the possible turns of events the morning would take with an angry dad losing his shit.

“Wouldn't you agree that after all these efforts, we deserve a cookie ?” He offered, walking straight for the pastry stall on their right.

He figured that would be a good diversion for Lucy who had started to pout.

“Before lunch ?!” Lucy wiggled a little bit in excitement.

“Hey careful there, kiddo, you wouldn't want me to drop you !” Derek grabbed her small feet to keep her still. “Hello” He waved a hand holding a tiny foot at the young woman behind the display.  
“What can I get you ?” she smiled brightly at them.  
“I'll get a chocolate chip cookie, and what would your highness Lucy---”  
“Double Chocolate !” She exclaimed throwing her arms up in the air.  
“Oh that really came from the heart !” The woman laughed, as she prepared two napkins to serve the cookies. “You have a really cute daughter.”

Derek's mind went completely blank. His face and body completely still, zero neuron functioning. A daughter. A child belonging to Derek.

It was stupid, the woman hadn't even looked at them. It was just something to say to fill the conversation, to appear good at her job. Her job was making and selling cookies and cakes to people. Good baking was an art yes but the woman was no physiognomist.  
“Oh she's n...” He tried to say as he looked up as Lucy was doing grabby hands for the cookie the woman was handing her. “She's really cute yeah.” was what came out, his heart beating abnormally fast. It would be the perfect time for a heart attack.  
  
What was Derek even doing. He had no business caring for this kid. He had met her for all of five minutes and she was not his. Let's repeat this : She. Was. Not. His. Let's imprint this in his brain because a guy cannot just go into the farmer's market and come back being a father. That was not something that happened. All he had to do was find a cop, drop the child and run.

Run far, far from this feeling of comfort and need.

  
  


He had cared for Cora, his little sister, so many times growing up. She had been a little menace, but he adored her. Derek being the middle child had had the benefits -and detriments- of being both a big and little brother.

And then suddenly he had been none of these things.

The edges of the hole in his chest where love had been still burned like wildfire sometimes.

It came back more naturally than he would have thought, caring for a little someone. The warmth that sparked pleasantly in his gut as someone mistook him for a father was something else entirely.

He knew he wanted a family. Someday.

It wasn't because he wanted to replace what he had lost, he couldn't replace them even if he tried and he knew that. But he had always wanted a family of his own.

He had faked being annoyed when they were playing pretend, imagining all the names of their future babies. “ _It's a girl's game_ ,” he had said rolling his eyes at his sisters, when really he was just wondering if he would like two or three or maybe four kids.

Then, all at once, it had been ripped to shreds, no more games, no more family, no more future kids.

He had just barely let himself find some sense of self-worth and yes, family might feel like the next step. Letting himself imagine it, believe it.He had done the work on himself, worked on his grief. He was not perfect of course but he was healing.

He could almost see it clearly then. Not the perfect picture but the real, the raw picture of loving and being loved, of being not only whole himself but also whole with others. Maybe he could have it, maybe he deserved it.

  
Not with this child obviously, as she belonged to someone else. That thought was accentuated when her little body tensed up and she shouted “DADDY !”

  
Derek looked around to see who she was calling, and his eyes stopped on a lean man who was standing his back to them, tensed shoulders, apparently in a heated conversation with a teenage boy keeping the homemade soaps stall nearby. The boy was busy serving a customer and barely took time to glance at the man.

“Please, don't tell me you've never seen her... we were here less than twenty minutes ago...” is what Derek was able to pick up, before the man turned around as he heard the little girl repeat her call.

“DADDY !”  
“Lucy...” the relief on the man's -young- face evident as he caught up to them in a few strides. He quickly put his arms around her.

He clearly had the intention of picking her up and bringing her back to him. Derek was about to help the movement but Lucy seemed to understand it differently as she put her own arms around her dad as well and held as tight as she could, not budging from her seat on Derek's shoulders.  
“Daddy ! ” she said again, more softly, hugging tight. “I was lost without you...”

Derek tensed up, feeling inadequate.

He was stuck in their father-daughter reunion, his neck turned at a weird angle and his face pressed up against the man's collarbone, and the rest of him pressed against the man's chest. Admittedly, it was a nice firm chest under all the layers. It felt good against Derek's own.

Derek hadn't been close to a stranger like this in years. The man also smelled really good, intoxicatingly so, a mix of cinnamon sugar and a brand of deodorant Derek recognized but couldn't quite place. Familiar, strangely enough. It was a little out of the ordinary to be in this position, especially for Derek, but looking at it from the bright side, it actually felt quite nice.  
  
A woman passing by let out an “aww” and Derek cleared his throat when the man finally took a step back, bringing his daughter with him. Derek was not an aww kind of guy.  
  
“Sorry, dude” The younger man blushed locking eyes with Derek. “Sorry about that.”

The man ducked his head before looking back up. His thin pale skin made his blush all the more obvious. Derek felt chills run down his spine. He knew they were not just caused by the winter air.

Derek had known since he was a teenager that sexuality was a strange concept. His mom had apparently suspected something. He had never known what. He hadn't even suspected it himself at the time.

He had just frowned at her, when she had come into his room one day and told him that love was love and he could be whoever he wanted to be and love whoever he wanted to love. She would just be happy because her son was happy. “Be happy Derek, that's all that matters to me” she had said in her softest of voices.

It had only made sense years later, when he realized it himself. He could only be thankful his mom had known him so well. Still, sometimes he wondered if he could truly feel happiness without her.

  
“It's alright.” Derek had expected everything but this.

He had expected to see the reserve and suspicion of someone who thought they had lost their little girl and found her with an older scruffy man. That's why he had wanted a cop with him, so he wouldn't have to look like a creeper.

Surprisingly enough, there wasn't any bad feelings in this father's face. The man just looked so grateful and relieved.

God, the more Derek looked at him, the more attractive the man was.

If Derek was just on earth to live a life of written words on a page, he would want to let the artist in him flow on a stream of words. He would want these words to describe that face in the morning light and what it all did to his senses.

And in this moment, Derek knew that that one college student from years ago had been all wrong because artists were not all driven by pain. From the tongue licking lips to the ridiculously long eyelashes casting a soft shadow over his eyes. This moment right then and there, that was all poetry.

The resemblance with Lucy was obvious. She hadn't been wrong when she had said they looked alike. Everything that made her a precious little girl was there on this handsome young man. There was a tenderness in his bright hazel eyes, just a little bit of tired red on the edges. A few more moles were doting his face than his daughter's, they hadn't been so obvious on her young face, but on the man, Derek's gaze couldn't not follow each one to the next and see where they would lead him. And yes, maybe this path would lead him to his mouth, half parted lips, almost bloody from biting.

“You must be Daddy.” Derek said trying to not stare too much and yes the smile he received in response might very well crush him.

 _Fuck_ , Derek thought not for the first time that day. Nature wasn't fair. He had rarely seen someone so genuinely beautiful. Derek himself wasn't bad looking, far from it, his looks had never been the reason for his malaise, except maybe when he had too much shown interest for them. But today at that very instant, he really wasn't showing off his best look. His hair was a mess, he hadn't bothered shaving in a little over a month and was wearing his oldest -albeit most comfortable- sweatpants. The elastic had passed away a long time ago and the thing was falling low on his hips.

That hadn't seemed important this morning when he was dressing in the tiny bathroom of his apartment, but now he really wished his coat was long enough to hide most of the disaster.

Not that it mattered in any way.

He wasn't set on a quest to find love at the farmer's market. And Derek was in no way trying to seduce anyone here, and especially not a young father.

That'd be ridiculous.

  
  


“Yep, I am Dad, Dad is me. And what a Dad I am...” Daddy said taking a sharp breath as he offered the hand that wasn't lifting his daughter to Derek. “I'm Stiles.”

“Derek.” was all he answered as he took hold of the hand offered to him with cookie sticky fingers.

“We got cookies !” Lucy yelled excitedly before Derek could add anything else.

Stiles chuckled looking at his daughter chocolate covered face. “I figured as much, honey.”

“Before lunchtime !!” She added, eyes sparkling with mischief. Stiles' expression softened in adoration.

“Thank you for bringing her back to me,” he said quietly to Derek and blushed again. That alone would be the death of him, Derek was sure of it. “You must think I'm a terrible father.”

“No, of course not.” Derek shook his head.

He could only remember that one time Cora had escaped from the preserve back in Beacon Hills. They had all spent the whole afternoon thinking she was still in the house with them until she came back hungry for dinner. She had laughed so hard at their horrified faces when she had described all she had seen in town while she was gone. Derek was not ten years old then, how old could have been Cora?

  
“I had a call from work and I don't know, my boss can be such a pain... I must have looked away longer than I realized.” Stiles trailed off, looking more mortified with each word. “I'm not that bad, I swear.”

“You don't have to explain yourself, Stiles.”

Why Derek was so aware that this was the first time he said the name out loud was beyond him. It wasn't a name he had ever heard before, and probably one he would never hear again.

It was the first and last time he'd be seeing the man.

“Really, I can't thank you enough, I don't know what I would have done if...”

“ _Stiles_ ”

If Derek liked the feel of Stiles' name on his tongue nobody had to know.

He rested his hand on the man's shoulder. It surprised him, how natural the gesture felt, his hand wanting to be back in contact with the body in front of him. Derek put a little more pressure and that alone seemed to calm the agitation in the young man's eyes.

“It's fine. _She_ 's fine.”

“Thank you, Derek.”

And if Derek liked the way his name sounded, it was nobody's business but his own.

“Derek called you pretty, you know !” Lucy supplied happily. And the little devil laughed as if it was the best joke she had made in her entire life.

“Uhh...” Derek said very intelligently. He really wished he could go home now.

“You're hungry, maybe you want to come to my home and have lunch.” Lucy said, it wasn't a question.

“No...” Derek started, his frown deepening.

“Lucy, honey. I think Derek here had other plans.” Stiles turned to Derek. “But how about a coffee ? As a thank you. I won't accept anything but a yes, so you can keep the 'no' your eyebrows are about to say and say yes instead. You can even take it to go if you have things to do on this fine Sunday morning.”

“I don't have anything to do.” Derek replied automatically, before realizing what he was actually saying.

“Well, good, then.”

  
  


They went to the coffee shop stall of the market. It was not exactly a food truck, but more of a black trailer with a very intricate logo drilled on the side. The owner had installed a couple of round Formica tables on the front for people brave enough to want to sit outside.

They even gave actual mugs to people intending to stay. Derek was handed a mug with a phrase saying “life is good” engraved on it.

That was such a millennial thing.

“It doesn't look like much but this right here is one of the best coffee you'll find in town.” Stiles said, sitting down in one of the metallic chairs, picking his daughter up and sitting her on his lap.

Derek sat down on the chair opposite to them and tried not to wince when a rush of freezing cold traveled through the thin material of his sweatpants. He held on to the too hot coffee cup in his hands.

“You're not very talkative, are you ?” Stiles asked, squinting just slightly.

If eyes could pierce through barriers and see the soul hidden underneath, Derek could swear that was what Stiles' eyes were trying to do.

“No.”

“Daddy, you're cold. You're not wearing the scarf uncle Isaac gave you as a present for Christmas. It was under the tree, and if it's under the tree, it means it's a present !” Lucy interjected.

“You wouldn't catch me dead in that thing !” Stiles stage whispered. Lucy giggled.

She was right though, Derek could see Stiles trembling as he pursed his lips and blew some air on his cup of coffee. His lips had lost some color since their meeting.

Something in Derek wanted to take him and bundle him up in blankets, keep him warm.

Stiles gulped his coffee in two long sips, licked his lips soundly, and wiped his mouth on the sleeve of his coat. It was both disturbing and hypnotic.

Lucy stole the small speculoos cookies the barista had given with both their coffees and slid them discreetly in her pocket. Derek just stared with a quizzical expression on his face.

The coffee was actually really good. He could barely feel his legs anymore.

They didn't talk, Derek just watched them for the few minutes they were sitting there.

They got up and Stiles reached for Derek's Life is Good mug. Derek looked as he brought them back to the trailer and made a joke with the barista. He came jogging back to Derek and Lucy, rubbing his cold hands.

“Come on, Monkey, time to go.” He said grabbing the little girl and swinging her back and forth before plopping her on his shoulders. “Derek, thank you again.”

“Goodbye, Big Monkey !” Lucy sing-songed to Derek. “See you soon !”

“Goodbye” Derek breathed, still a little bewildered.

.

  
  


*-*-*

  
  


“Eventful morning to say the least.” Boyd smirked, while still breathing loudly eyes closed in his meditation.

Derek had a hard time understanding his friend's hobby. How he could meditate and talk at the same time was beyond him.

“Rolling utility carts are a danger to humanity.” Derek concluded. This was the part of the conversation he wanted to focus on. He had mostly talked about the market and how it'd be a perfect place for Boyd to find inspiration for his meditation. That seemed fitting as he had spotted his roommate meditating on the balcony, wind blowing in the afternoon and cold city dust swirling around, as he came in.

His instinct wanted to keep the rest of the morning to himself. But this was Boyd and Derek had a hard time keeping anything from him. Boyd had been there through all of it, all of Derek's hardship. Boyd had kept him away from the hurt. Had _tried to_ at least. He had been his brother and had tried to give him a home.

That was something he could never repay. He had let go of this idea a long time ago.  
Small steps.

“Where's your better half gone off to ?” He asked, hoping for a change of subject.

“She went home.”

They tended to forget it as she was with them more often than not, but Erica did have an apartment of her own, an apartment which frankly was a lot classier than Derek and Boyd's garçonnière.

Derek suspected the reason Boyd still lived with him and had not yet moved in with her after all these years was because it would mean leaving him behind.

But, Boyd being Boyd, his official reasoning was that he liked to have his space. As for Erica, she could do her girl things in peace and come share a space with Boyd in it anytime she liked.

A question of freedom, he said.

  
  


After a minute of silence, Boyd huffed out a short laugh, and added with a glance. “Are you entering a DILF phase ?”

“A what now ?” Derek turned around, looking first shocked then, after a moment, simultaneously a little offended and a lot secretly amused.

Of course, Boyd would jump on a train of thought like this. In all the ways he wanted to act all composed most of the time, Boyd had a mischievous side to him that had come from his years loving Erica.

It was well hidden but there inside their little bubble, just the two of them, not even Erica around – he would never let her see that she had this kind of influence and power over him – he could run wild sometimes.

“A ''Dad I'd like to fuck'' phase” Boyd added with an ostentatious wink.

Derek guessed the meditation was over now, because even to a non-connoisseur, this was no way to meditate.

He hadn't been like that when Derek first met him, all quiet and reserved. But yes, it had become clear : deep down, Boyd was a monster.

Derek could only shake his head in response, trying to hide the smile creeping on his lips.

Boyd stood up and leaned against the railing as he copied his friend's position, pushing his shoulder against Derek's right side before glancing at him again,. “Tell me more.”

“There's nothing to say.” Derek chided.

“Oh oh.” Boyd said looking serious all of a sudden. “Derek... If you think about putting yourself out there again... Just be careful, yeah ?” He said quietly.

The humor left Derek all at once at that. He knew, of course he knew, that his past relationship had only been symptomatic of all the other bad feelings Derek had nurtured for so long and his overall unease with life had undoubtedly affected his friend as well.

There had been a time, Derek would have fought it, all of Boyd had thought about it, still thought about it. No, it wasn't about Braeden at all. It was about Derek. They had had arguments over arguments about this. Boyd telling him how much he deserved more, deserved better.  
Derek had been convinced he didn't – no, he couldn't be happy the same way Boyd knew happiness.

That hadn't really changed.

Boyd couldn't be any other way than one hundred percent in anything and everything he did. He couldn't understand this strange balance of a life Derek had chosen for himself for a while. It had all been a bit wobbly but it had worked.

Boyd's all or nothing attitude still felt so far from reality. Too far from what Derek could master the will to analyze.

Derek didn't mind being bland. Better to be bland than breaking.

“We can't all find an Erica.” Derek answered, with a tight smile. “Just because you found your person at nineteen, doesn't mean I should. Maybe some of us are better off alone.”

“You're lucky I know you don't mean that.” Boyd frowned. “Remember what you used to say-”

“I used to say a lot of shit growing up.” Derek countered. “The whole point of me stopping things with Braeden is that I want to be alone.”

“Yet, you _don't_ want to be alone.” Boyd argued. “And your silence just now about a cute guy you met at the market just amplifies the whole thing.”

“I never said he was cute.”

“Your face did.” Boyd rolled his eyes.

The big issue Boyd found in the whole equation was that this wasn't his Derek.

Boyd could never let this argument go. Mostly because he had managed to become a strong believer in The One. He had met the love of his life in class one day and in less than a heartbeat he had decided to woo her.

And when Erica was properly swooning, which admittedly took a little bit of work, he proposed to her. She had said yes, there had been tears.

Boyd's tears.

Boyd who didn't believe in much of anything when he was a kid and had mocked Derek's romantic side relentlessly, had been struck by Cupid's arrow.

And yeah, Boyd kept poking at it, like maybe he could poke the romantic side of Derek, the Derek Boyd refused to let go, like he would poke a sleeping bear maybe.

He didn't want to understand that this young Derek had died alongside his parents and sisters. He had suffocated and all these childish delusions had burned out of him.

  
Derek couldn't quite let himself believe love was in the stars for him anymore, that he was going to meet the one, that it would all make sense, or even not make sense at all, but it would be it, love, passion, happiness, family, _everything_.

That couldn't happen, not to Derek, not when he had still so much shit to deal with, so much hurt buried inside of him. So lonely.

Derek had promised himself he would not fall back into old habits and destroy the fragile balance they had recently found. Not for a cute guy, not for anyone.

“I'm not going to be jumping into anything any time soon” He met his gaze steadily. “I'm not going to give it another thought. It was nothing.”

“Yeah... I know” Boyd didn't seem so convinced.

  
  


*-*-*

  
  


“Hey stranger ! Do you want to get drinks at my place afterwards ?” Braeden said as she jogged to him in the hall.

Derek had just walked in and seen her standing at the reception flirting with the new guy. It wasn't that he was jealous of said guy. He couldn't be jealous over something he didn't want, or wasn't even to have.

He smiled at her his brightest smile, also his fakest. “No, thank you. I was thinking about getting an early night.”

“As early as you can while working here” Braeden chuckled.

“Let's call it an early morning then.” Derek shrugged, walking to the elevator.

It had been months.

Derek kept refusing her advances but he never actually said the words.

He figured Braeden would remember she had laid out the rules herself, she had just wanted casual, no commitment, fun and nothing more, not even exclusive on her part.

She wasn't moping around with her heart broken. She had all the fun she wanted and deserved to have. She didn't need him to reassure her of anything. She wasn't better with him than without.

She would be fine.

At the very beginning she could have fitted right in, in their tiny circle of three. Boyd and Erica had been so willing.

Derek had thought about the possibility of love for a time. She had been the first who became a constant. Feelings would have been the healthy next step, he knew. He never could quite get there but he had hoped maybe she would be the one helping him find the dim possibility.

Then the hope was gone.

He regretted the whole thing. Not because it broke his heart. His heart hadn’t been beating in unison with hers. But he hated the loss of hope.

Another hope, gone.

As if, all the hurt he had felt in life wasn't just going to be balanced by happiness in the end, but just balanced by a whole lot of nothingness.

It had just turned into a routine.

They used to see each other from time to time and had a nice chat and a good laugh - mostly her, Derek kept to himself.

Derek knew they cared for each other. But most times they would just randomly walk by each other in the hall and Braeden would suddenly be reminded that yes Derek did exist somewhere in this world, and yes he was extremely good in bed... and that would be enough.

Their eyes would meet and Braeden would just say “I'll pick you up after the end of the show” and that would be it. Just going through the motions.

Derek had spent one too many nights doing just that, going home with her. Finishing the night on a random side of her bed, the one where he landed in the end, never a side that was his. Glancing at the red light of the alarm clock on the nightstand watching the minutes go by, not sleeping. The bed too cold. Shadows dancing on the walls, on the ceiling. Muffled noises of the street too loud. Examining the infinite number of tiny cracks in the old white paint of the ceiling.

Derek couldn't go back there.

He sighed as the elevator doors closed between them. Bad habits die hard.

Gone was the time when Derek had had sex regularly.

Admittedly taking himself in hand in the shower in the morning wasn't as good as a sweaty night with Braeden every Saturday. But it wasn't leading him anywhere.

She was a free spirit, had no intention to ever marry, have children or even let herself fall in love.

That was just as well. Derek didn’t have any of it to give away. If anything, it was something to build, and Derek needed a lot of help with the construction plans.

Some part of him thought that if Boyd had a say in it, Derek would be celibate and going off to an Ashram somewhere in India. Maybe that's what he should be doing, that way he wouldn't have to be in that position every time he came into the radio station.

Braeden had been the one who introduced him to it. It was just a hobby, nothing fancy.

He only had around 15 minutes on air at the end of the night on Saturdays, not even long enough to be called a proper radio show, but he enjoyed it and the audience responded really well to him on twitter. He had started to build a small army of followers.

At first it had just been an easy pretext to be hooking up in an empty studio while others were working next door. Then the show got successful and Derek actually went there to be somewhat professional.

That had been the strangest revelation of the last few years. He could go on air once a week and read some of his listener's writings. Some sort of open mic night for the radio's listeners but with Derek narrating their stories.

It was the most outspoken words he would say during his week sometimes. At the end of his 15 minutes, the radio would then turn on the night playlist until morning.

It was nice.

He walked through the corridors to the studio, his papers printed in hand. The host who was live just before him came out of the studio and exchanged a few banalities as the ad break was playing.

The whole radio team was like that. It always took Derek a minute to understand why people were talking to him. He was seen as a nice guy there, not so talkative at times, verging on monosyllabic sometimes but nice all the same.

It was such a strange concept. People didn’t know him or anything about him. Derek could be anything but nice and people would have no idea. A lot of it was pretend.

Alone though, Derek didn't have to pretend. As soon as it was done and the door was closed behind him. He could just be himself. Himself through the stories he chose to read, himself through the comments he sometimes gave about the writing style.

  
  


Then he would leave the building without a word and go to his car. Sometimes he would just go straight home, but these days it happened more and more often that he needed to have his adventures.

He would just go for a drive under the city lights.

Drive the camaro, the last remnant of his past life, still the ghost of a feeling lingering that he wasn't really worthy of this car.

His dad had been so proud of it, he had loved this car. Now Derek had it, drove it, could still feel his father's gaze on him. Could still see the little mark his dad had done gripping the handle on the inside of the passenger door just a bit too tightly, his nails digging in the soft material when Derek had first started learning to drive.

At some point his dad had said they would be taking his mother's SUV because he wouldn't let his son's careless driving wreck his majestic new car. His dad had laughed, laughed a full belly laugh, like he was so happy to be alive right then and there. His dad had been so proud, he had really loved this car. Had really loved Derek.

For a long time, Derek didn't want to think about the camaro. He had refused to drive it. Refused to drive at all for a long time, and the camaro even longer.

And one day, he just got in, took the feel of it in, the familiar feel of this wheel in his hands. He could almost picture his dad's hands on his. It had felt good, like a little piece of home was still there somehow. “Don't grip it too tight. Gentle touch” his dad had said, his voice still resonating in the space between then and now. “Okay dad” Derek had whispered as if his dad could hear him still. The thought that he might, left a warm feeling in his heart and a little sting in his eye.

Hours spent on the road. Trying to figure out who he was.

He wasn't the orphan kid from Beacon Hills anymore. He couldn't let himself be defined by the fire.

*-*-*

Derek knew he was an attractive man, and he could have gone into a club and picked a random hookup and be done with it. Only it wasn't what he was after, he knew he wouldn't find any satisfaction in that. Not in the state of mind he was in at the moment. Not when he was trying so fucking hard to convince himself he was worthy of more.

So yes. Derek had been a bit quick saying he wouldn't think about Stiles.

Derek had a very good memory, it wasn't his fault.

Plus, attractive people were rare in this world, and although Derek was faced with Boyd's strong figure everyday, that was in no way where he decided to go to collect material for his personal pleasure.

There had been a time when they were in their late teen years, when Derek had been struggling with identifying his sexuality and... yeah he had thought of it. It hadn't been the case since then, and hopefully wouldn't ever be again.  
Attractive young men with moles and bright eyes and a smile to make your insides churn were a perfect source for inconsequential fantasies.

Derek stepped into the already running shower, dripping water onto the floor, ran a hand through his hair, and let himself be enveloped by the hot water falling down his body.

It happened sometimes that he wanted to take his time with this. Quickly jerking off before going to work was fine for the easy release it brought him, but it was important to not lose the side of pleasure either.

Fantasies were here for this very purpose, and if Derek had a very vivid memory, he smirked to himself, Stiles would never know.

The feel of his body pressed against Derek. Stiles' faintest hint of stubble, facial hair not fully grown in, tickling Derek's temple. How it would feel if Stiles was on his knees, same soft stubble brushing against Derek's inner thigh.  
Imagining his hands were Stiles' leaner ones, the sensation of them brushing his skin in a newly found warmth. Derek couldn't slow down. Remembering Stiles' mouth, his hot breath as he sighed against his ear. Stiles' voice. Imagining him like that, a soft blush on his cheeks, Stiles breathing hard, moaning loud, unashamed. Derek's skin started to prickle, sweat at the base of his neck washed away in the water. Oh this was good. Stiles' scent had been intoxicating.

“Fuck.” He breathed, as he ground up against his hand, muscles tensing, holding on the wall with his free hand. Panting, Derek let himself go, all soft breathy moans and even softer curses until he finally came imagining Stiles' intense gaze looking right through him. Derek let his head fall back against the cold tiled wall, looking blankly at the ceiling.

“Oh God” he swallowed around the dryness in his throat, breathing slowly calming down. “This can't be a DILF phase.”


	2. The Observatory

The sun beat down on the trees, scattering patches of light on the ground as Derek trekked, panting and clambering, through the paths to get to the observatory.

It was an observatory and that meant it had to be on a hill but Derek hadn't expected to come up here and leave the reminder of his hydration as a sweaty puddle rolling down hill while his dead body laid here bare and dried out from any molecule of water.

He had muscles, that wasn't the problem. He went to the gym from time to time. But this was not the gym. It was a warm sunny day, the snow had all melted and the ground was a muddy slippery mess. Derek hadn't taken into account how much practice it would need to just walk on a ground like this.

It had been a while since he went on a hike.

There are been a time, back in Beacon Hills, he had found so much joy in nature. So much joy going running with his older sister.

From the moment she had thought jogging was a thing cool kids had to do, he had begged to go with her. He was just a kid and running wasn't a serious hobby to him at the time. He just ran after her as if he was running for his life, as if there had been monsters lurking in the corner of each dark patch of the forest.

Up and down the mountains.

The first few times, Laura had kept rolling her eyes at him, telling him to just go home and let her be. She was a few years older than him and she wanted to be a grown up and a little brother didn't fit in this equation.

But then, inexplicably to young Derek, out of the blue one day, while running up a hill of the preserve, she had stopped to look at him, really look at him and the look of determination he had. How much he wanted to be right by her side, going as fast as she was, being as strong as she appeared to be, even with his smaller legs, his smaller lungs.

She had softened to him then, stopped and taken his hand, reminiscing about how much she had cared for him when he was a baby, how becoming a big sister had been such a big role for her, how she still felt like he was her baby brother. But he was growing up, he was becoming a man, and a damn good one at that it seemed, and she could see it. She could see all of it, she had said.

She couldn't wait for him to have the life he deserved, how he would make the Hale name proud. “The Hale name belongs to you, Derek...” she had said, she had smiled seeing his narrow eyes and the incomprehensive look on his face. “because you are the only male !” she added laughing.

Of course, he hadn't understood what she meant because how could the Hale name belong solely to him, when she was there and mom and dad and Cora, all of them being Hales. “That doesn't make any sense” his young self had answered shaking his head.

From that moment forward, it had been their time, on the narrow paths of the preserve, getting lost to the sheer exhaustion of muscles and talking sometimes, telling each other secrets no one else knew.

She had told him how it felt the first time she fell in love with a boy in her class. And Derek had been waiting for a feeling this pure ever since.

  
  


“Fuck” he breathed. He turned around, shielding his eyes against the sunlight to talk to the woman he knew had been walking behind him. “Do you know if there's a coffee shop up there? I just really need a dri– ”

The woman, who Derek was surprised to discover was much older than he had suspected, tugged on her backpack and brushed past him without a word.

He almost lost his balance and had to still himself, hands on his knees. She hadn't even broken a sweat on the whole way up there. Derek stared incredulous as she continued her way. Old ladies were fierce.

“Are you okay there?” a voice said behind him. Derek could literally hear the smugness.

“I'm fine, thank you,” he scowled, standing up without a glance back.

“Do you need some water? I have a spare bottle in my bag if you want” the voice added helpfully.

“I –” The words stuck in his throat as Derek finally turned around and... Stiles. Stiles with his daughter sitting on his shoulders.

Derek didn't know if he was more blinded by the sun or by that smile. His mind was unable to function for a couple of seconds. He shook his head. “I'm fine thank you.” he repeated before starting to walk away.

Derek had no intention of letting his fantasy crush destroy his solitary retreat into the wonders of tourist attractions. He'd be lucky if he could just get away with it.

“Wait! Have we met?” Stiles caught up to him in a few big strides, Lucy giggling from being shaken up.

“Good line. Nobody ever used that one on me before,” Derek said trying to be as sarcastic as he could manage. He had been caught off guard though, he wasn't really convincing.

He just hoped he had been less memorable to Stiles than what Stiles had been to him. Derek had shaven recently leaving only a two day stubble and he was actually wearing clothing that fit him.

In all aspects, he should have been unrecognizable.

“Oh, I – I wasn't...” Stiles was openly blushing, a surprised grin on his face. “I have better game than this, trust me.”

  
  


Derek tried to climb faster putting a little distance between them. “Try not to lose your daughter again.”

It was too late, the words were out.

Derek could slap himself. He had no idea why that just came out of his mouth.

His only hope was to run.

  
  


  
  


As Derek finally got to the top, breathing heavily, he quickly looked around for the shop to buy a cool drink, but was stopped by a hand on his shoulder and another swinging a bottle of water in front of his face.

He grabbed it with a sigh and a muttered “Thanks.”

Stiles was still wearing that same smile, but he looked really different now that Derek took the time to really consider him.

He figured there was no point in trying to get away now that the younger man and his daughter were onto him, so he might as well take a good eyeful.  
The biggest change was in his face which didn't display any of the concern it had last time. Derek stopped his gaze on the little crinkles resting on the side of Stiles' eyes. He was genuinely smiling. Stiles seemed content and that thought alone made Derek's day a little brighter. Derek decided to focus his attention on Lucy who was happily slurping on a little apple juice box.

“So, uh. Der—rick ? Yeah? From the market?” Stiles asked, scratching his head.

“It's Derek”

“Are you following us?” Lucy grinned.

“You were walking behind me so you two were technically following me.” Derek said to the little girl. “Stalking much?” Derek raised an eyebrow directly at Stiles.

Stiles barked out a laugh that seemed to surprise even him as he clapped a hand over his mouth, eyes still twinkling.

“Maybe! Yes, you figured us out, Sherlock. Do you – unless you were meeting someone – Do you want to visit with us?” Stiles asked, fidgeting with his hands a little and finding them an occupation as he grabbed Lucy's hand.

“Yes, ok” was Derek's answer. Plain and simple, no need for florishes and waxing poetry, a simple yes would suffice.

And nobody was there to witness if his heart was fluttering at the smiles he received from both people in front of him.

  
  


  
  


As it turned out there wasn't much choice in shows suitable for under 5 at the planetarium, they spent a lot of time just walking around. Stiles taking a hundred pictures of the same views, a hundred pictures of his daughter, watching her like she was the one who had hung the moon, the stars and everything in between.

Stiles was a talker. He talked a lot.

It started out as something about the adularescence of moonstone being a bearer of good fortune, passion to lovers and an eye able to see the future, and then turned into the story about that one time Stiles was visiting Salem, Massachusetts with his dad when he was six and a witch had told him about his blood being from an old oracle lineage. He was pretty sure it was a waste of money but it had been fun to play with the tarot cards. Speaking of cards, how cool were spinning objects in space ?

Derek could only stare, blinking and dazed.

They took the stairs from the shop to go see the big telescope. Stiles kept referring to his best friend, Scott, who was apparently a big astronomy nerd, and how they should come back sometime to see this with him.

Derek kept wondering if the “we” was supposed to include him too. He shook this idea out of his head every time.

They went to get some snacks at the Astronomy Café. Stiles insisted on paying for him after Derek told him for the third time that he didn't want anything.

“We should, like, get some food in you before climbing down... Honestly the climb up wasn't pretty, I'm still amazed that you managed to survive!” Stiles laughed as Derek glared.

“It wasn't that bad.”

“Dude, it was !” Stiles laughed again.

Derek let out an unamused huff and glowered for most of the time they sat at their table to show that he didn't agree with the statement.

The glint in Stiles' eye didn't leave.

  
  


The afternoon light poured through the windows, spilling shapes of liquid gold on the floor, as they went in to see the exhibitions. They moved quickly through each overcrowded room as Lucy got easily bored with every single one of them, even the interactive part of the visit where a lot of children seem to find heaven wasn't enough to catch her attention.

She just wanted to go out and run wild.  
  
“She's still a little too young. She didn't get to take her nap.” Stiles apologized. “I understand if you want to go by yourself...”

“No, it's fine.”

“Good.” Stiles said after a minute. “I don't know more about astronomy than I did before but I'm having a great time.” 

Derek was surprised by the honesty but he couldn't disagree, it was the most agreeable day he had had in a very long time.

  
  


  
  


There was a little production outside, in celebration of the Super Moon. Derek would have skipped it without a second glance, a super moon was just a big full moon after all.

“No, no way. We're not missing that !” Stiles insisted. “It's an essential part of the observatory experience !”

He went on talking about that one time, they went to the zoo and it was going fine, even though admittedly zoos aren't Stiles's favorite thing at all, because wild animals should be wild and free, but one of his friends had been too famished for a bag of chips that they decided to cut the visit early.

Derek never thought about asking if there was a conclusion to the story. But by the end of it, the representation was over and the crowd started to disperse.

  
  


There was a small bronze statue of a wolf howling at the moon, on the side of the paved avenue.

“Go on, I'll take you” Derek said grabbing Stiles' camera.

He had noticed Stiles wasn't a selfie kind of guy. Not once had he taken a picture of himself, and Derek had every intention of correcting this travesty.

Stiles went to crouch close to Lucy next to the statue in a very sober picture.

Derek snorted “Is that the best you can do?”

“I'm not a top model, what do you want from me?” Stiles answered, cheekily.

“You're _prettiest_ than a top model Daddy!” Lucy exclaimed putting a little hand on his face, seeming genuinely distressed by her dad's lack of confidence.

“You're prettiest than a top model _Daddy_!” Derek repeated. He meant it as a joke. Nothing more. “Now, smile!”

  
  


“Would you want me to take a picture of the three of you?” a woman behind him offered after a while.

Derek was about to refuse when Stiles replied “Yes, it's very kind of you, thank you!” echoed by a small “it's very kind, thank you” from Lucy.

The woman let out a short endeared sigh, falling a little bit in love with both of them it seemed.

If he wasn't set on controlling his emotions, Derek would relate but that was just not something he was willing to admit.

“C'mon, Derek! We don't have all day!” Stiles called out, as Derek made his way to them.

“I'll take several just to make sure you have a nice family photo,” The woman said smiling, neither Stiles nor Derek contradicted her... Derek wondered if Stiles had even heard her. He probably hadn't, too busy getting Lucy to pull a funny face at the camera.

  
  


  
  


The late-afternoon sun was starting to cast some light amber rays across the grounds, shadows elongating with each passing minute. They were on their way down the hill, Lucy sleeping in Stiles' arms, her head tucked in the crook of his neck, clinging to her new stuffed animal Stiles had bought for her at the shop. A wolf, she had named Mr Bubbles. Her small hand was clasping Derek's even through her unconsciousness. He didn't dare move away.

If someone wanted to stop and think, this felt like an improvised date. Derek couldn't be sure. He had never been on an actual date before. Derek's stomach clenched at the thought. But this wasn't a date, because a date is something planned and a date is definitely not something you do with your kid. So this wasn't a date.

There was nothing to tell Boyd, Derek was safe.

Stiles was stunningly gorgeous, anyone with eyes could see that. He also was this big ball of charm, and Derek had seen it in action today. How he could charm his way through the day so naturally, giving everyone his genuine attention, like every little mundanity was the most interesting thing he had seen or heard. How he could sass the hell out of someone too. How quick-witted he was. How everyone just felt important in Stiles' presence, not just Derek.

He was something else entirely.

His focus on Lucy was unwavering, but Stiles was also a little unfocused at times, jumping from one thought to the next, getting distracted and then coming back for more. Derek wondered what it would be like to feel, on his body, Stiles' distraction in action.  
And in the setting sunlight, Stiles was radiant, radiating the warmth the sun wasn't offering them anymore, last sun-rays flecking his eyes with golden amber, reflecting on his lashes, as he turned to Derek.

“Today was a really good day,” He marveled, a smile tugging at his lips.

“Yeah, it was...” Derek whispered.

“Do you do that often?”

“Well, uh, on weekends –” Derek stuttered a bit taken aback by the question.

“So you pick up random people and force them to spend the day with you every weekend? Interesting. And here I was thinking I was special!” Stiles said apparently outraged.

“Well, you-”

“Yeah but I guess, it goes both ways... I don't know if you can compare to the day we forced Mickey Mouse to hang out with us at Disneyland. That was a memorable day. ” Stiles smirked, obviously proud of himself.

“That's fair,” Derek said blankly, “at least you knew his full name, Mickey wasn't a complete stranger.”

Stiles stopped in his track. Lucy's hand fell from Derek's as Stiles' step faltered. “Stilinski.”

“Uh?” Derek said after a moment looking over his shoulder to see Stiles walk quickly back to his side.

“My name. Stiles Stilinski.”

“Oh... Derek Hale, enchanted to meet you!” Derek answered with a tight smile, offering him his hand for an official handshake.

It was all an act, they had shaken hands that first day at the market, they had just spent the entire day together. Yet, Derek felt almost nervous with anticipation, sparks tingling through him all the way to the ground.

“Enchanted as well, sir” Stiles shook it dramatically, and if Derek held on for a second too long, Stiles didn't seem to notice.

  
  


It was only when they had said their goodbyes and Derek was driving back to his apartment to change before going to the radio station that he realized they hadn't actually given each other any contact information.

It had just felt so natural, like Derek knew they'd be seeing each other soon. Nothing had felt like an ending but then he was left there with no number, no nothing.

He had never experienced anything like that, ever.

Derek had basically no experience with friendship. There was just Boyd and that had been a preschool sandbox kind of friendship.

This was maybe just something that happened without starting anything more. Stiles probably didn't want to give him his number. It seemed to be a thing, to spend a day with a stranger and then go back to their own normal lives.

Derek cursed under his breath. He wasn't good with people.

  
  


*-*-*

  
  


Derek let himself in the apartment quietly, and with a quick glance around he smiled at the disarray of manila folders and scattered sheets of paper all around. Boyd had to be somewhere buried under the mess. Boyd usually left the apartment spot clean, to set the example, every time he brought home some of his work. More and more these days though, as the files Boyd was getting were starting to feel important, the apartment gained a sort of old hoarder's house atmosphere.

“How was your adventure day?” Boyd asked from where he was arranging a few stack of papers in the living room.

“Uneventful,” Derek said sitting on the couch, shuffling through a pile of papers. “What are you working on? Finance looks like hell...”

Boyd grabbed the papers from Derek' fingers. “Yeah it is, at least for you. Don't change the subject. It's late!”

“Oh did I miss curfew?” Derek snorted.

“Shut up. I know something happened today, you look like you're glowing.” Boyd frowned. “Who got you pregnant ?”

“What ?”

“You're never glowing.” Boys continued.

“It's just the stars, Vernon, I'm not glowing, it's just star dust!” Derek dismissed, getting up. “I'm still my gloomy old self under it all, don't worry.”

“You know that's not what I meant.” Boyd replied. “But I know when you're lying, there's something you're not telling me.”

“Yeah... well, I guess I had a good day. Anyway, I need to get my stuff ready for the radio show later.”

“I'll get it out of you !” Boyd called after him as he was closing the door to his bedroom.

  
  


*-*-*

  
  


That night at the radio, Derek couldn't really shake this bubbly sensation inside. Even if Stiles was out of his life forever, it had been a good day. Stiles' loud voice and his laughs were still ringing in Derek's ears. Who knew, they might stay there, chiming for the rest of eternity.

If Derek was into cheesy metaphors, he'd say this day was a shooting star burning bright in the dark sky. He rolled his eyes at himself, that particular metaphor wouldn't earn him any street cred as a writer that was for sure.

  
He sat in front of the microphone, relishing in what had become familiar. The headphones on his head, the faux leather feel of the chair under him.

He had the selections of short stories from his auditors in front of him and it felt good to be there, doing this.

“Good evening, or more precisely good night, this is Derek and you're with me for my self-entitled “Famous 15,” 15 minutes on air, 15 minutes of Derek, the best part of your Saturday night. Look at the super moon outside tonight, look at the stars, I'm sure they agree with me... ”

  
  


*-*-*

  
  


Derek hesitated, stopping in front of the imposing building, windows upon windows, looming before him. He swallowed the dry lump in his throat, looking up at the cloudy sky overhead.

He adjusted the collar of his white button down shirt and smoothed his suit jacket in a nervous twitch.

Boyd had forced him to spend quite a big part his savings on this suit, he had also forced him into going to this meeting.

“You want to write” He had insisted. “Why not set yourself on the right track then ? Erica agrees with me, you know. Finstock doesn't seem to see you as a creative asset for his company. You'll be the coffee guy forever if he has any say in the matter. Don't leave all your eggs into the same Finstock basket.”

Derek had a job at a small publishing company which he had found just out of sheer luck. It was entry level as he had barely managed to graduate high school after everything. He was more of the assistant of the assistant, but the majority of the people there were tolerable. That counted for something. It was more than Derek had expected out of his life.

Boyd always had opinions though.

Derek was more than unconvinced about the validity of this plan, but he was there and he looked smart, professional and in control. He didn't know if he actually wanted to be published or do the publishing. His little power over the selection of stories to read on famous 15 had him be sure though, he was in his element around words, ideas and intricate thinking.

  
  


It was Laura who had given him his first diary.

It had sunflowers on the cover. It was the one she had received for Christmas one year. The habit of writing didn't take to her and one day she had plopped on Derek's bed next to him while he was playing video games and said “Here take this of my hands” as if it would be such a big favor to her.

There were four ripped out pages in that diary. Derek wondered what had been written on these pages. Secrets even he would never know.

  
  


He took a deep breath, casting his eyes upward again, he could almost feel Boyd's gaze burning him from where he was sitting in his car on the other side of the street. He had insisted on driving him, as if Derek was going to ditch the meeting if he didn't have a freaking babysitter. One that forced him to take a day off from a very real job to go seek a very unreal one...

But well, what wouldn't Derek do to keep Boyd happy. He muttered a curse to himself, walking through the automatic doors.

  
  


  
  


“How did it go ?” Boyd stood up from where he had been lounging on a velvety couch in the large waiting area of the building when Derek came out of the elevator. Derek stayed silent, face closed, before raising his eyebrows.

Boyd's face fell knowing what would be coming next. “That bad ? Did he say what you could work on ?”

Derek sent a tight smile as a way of saying goodbye to the nice receptionist lady who had been more than helpful to guide Derek through the maze of this building. Derek didn't have it in him to elaborate more than that.

Derek sighed, resigned. “Long story short, I just dropped my papers at the office and that's it. I could have mailed the file and not bother with the wait, and the suit. That's what I call a total waste of my time. But let's just say, you are also right about Finstock. I need to push a little more. I'll just deal with it my own way from now on if you don't mind.”

Boyd placed an arm around Derek' shoulder but didn't say a word.

Derek would be fine with not having a big career or plans. Not everyone needs to be big and successful. He didn't need to be a published author and go on book tours and have movies made based on his writing.

The idea alone was disturbing.

He wasn't defined by the job he had or by the money he made. Derek was well-pleased just knowing he had personal growth, and the thought alone of thinking he actually had personal growth showed how far he had come already.

Derek had been taking it step by step at his own pace and he was doing okay.

  
  


Suddenly, Derek stopped walking as they were about to cross the plaza to get to where Boyd had parked his car.

His eyes did a double take. His heart was beating fast in his chest, as he recognized the figure – or rather the two figures- silhouetted against the far end wall.

Boyd looked over his shoulder. “Der ? You coming ?”

“I -” was all that came out of his mouth.

  
  


Stiles was wearing dark jeans and a grey sports jacket, sleeves pulled up to his elbows. Derek had never thought much about how people dressed, but his opinion was starting to change, because Stiles's body was a new experience entirely. The outfit really clung to all the right places, even from the distance Derek could define the lines of his back perfectly.

Stiles was standing, feet close together, one leg slightly bent, hip popped out to support the weight of his daughter in his arms. A dark haired woman was talking to him and seemed to be about the same age as Stiles. Derek couldn't really tell, she could be Lucy's mother or a babysitter. She seemed to have a genuine kindness in her smile. Stiles' gaze was solely focused on them.

  
  


A hand waved in front of his eyes.

“Earth to Derek Hale.” Boyd said before glancing to see what had Derek so mesmerized. “Do you know these people ?”

“Hmm ?” Derek blinked, but his attention snapped immediately back as he heard Lucy yell “Mommy !”

The woman who had been talking to Stiles smiled brightly too. Stiles instinctively turned to welcome the strawberry blonde woman walking towards them, heels clicking on the pavement in a determined walk.

“Mommy, you're here!” Lucy yelled again in excitement.

The woman slid an arm around Stiles' back when he closed the distance between them, leaning down to kiss her on the cheek and handing his -their- daughter to her. Lucy clung to her mother's neck.

Derek watched as Stiles picked up the messenger bag that he had left on ground and latched it on his shoulder before delicately placing a hand on the low of the woman's back and guiding his family on the opposite direction from where Derek was standing.

He was having a hard time making sense of what had just happened. But one thing was certain, it felt strange in the pit of his stomach.

It was easy to assume the man you saw that one time at the farmer's market and just happened to meet again on one of your days out was very much straight.

It was also easy, knowing you wouldn't ever see him again, to decide to use him as the recurring fictitious part of your fantasies.

It was another thing entirely to see that same man in a very domestic looking relationship suggesting he was most probably married, and happily so.

Derek didn't have a home-wrecker kink. Farewell fantasy Stiles.

Today really was a bad day.

  
  


“So.” Boyd inquired, his tone not marking the question mark.

“So,” Derek repeated flatly.

“So,” Boyd raised an eyebrow expectantly.

“So?” Derek shook his head, raising both eyebrows.

“Are you going to tell me who that was ?”

“I don't know what you're talking about,” Derek dismissed. “Let's just go home.”

“Derek.” Boyd simply said.

“Vernon.”

Boyd sighed loudly. “I'll get it out of you sometime.”

He placed his arm back around Derek' shoulders and starting walking again. Derek knew this wouldn't be the end of it but pressed himself against the solid side of his friend nonetheless.

It appeared that wanting things wasn't an easy thing, who would have thought.

  
  


*-*-*-*

  
  


“Derek,” Erica started.

There was that particular softness in her voice, the one she purposefully put there when she was trying to get her way. The shadow of the tall building across the street made it seem like night-time, though the clock on the wall and the noise from the side walk below told otherwise. They were both sitting at the kitchen counter, feigning interest over their dinner while Boyd was out working at his office.

“Can I trust you ?” She continued.

Derek frowned suspiciously. “Erica...”

“And you can trust me,” she said holding his gaze. “I need you to tell me what's going on with you and Boyd. He's been so unfocused lately. You're the only one who has that kind of effect on him. I know you love him and he loves you, and I don't want to be selfish, I love you too, you know that. But he's so wrapped up in his worry that all the rest suffers from it, his work, me... ”

“Erica” Derek let out a long suffering sigh.

“Okay okay. Then, I need you to do something about it. Something for me at least. Let's go out tonight. Boyd hates it, drinking, dancing, I haven't been out in forever. It might do you good. It will certainly do _me_ good.” She said her eyes pleading. “Let's have some fun. Let's go to the club and show the young people what being attractive actually means. Let's get people worked up !”

  
  


The first time Derek had gotten drunk was in high-school with Boyd and some other boys from his Basketball team. They had all gotten fake IDs from that guy in biochem, he couldn't remember his name, he could only remember his strong smell of weed. Boyd had been too good of a boy at the time to want to buy any.

They had all sneaked out on a Friday night to the club just on the outskirt of town. He can't say he remembered much of it really. Derek had wanted to bury himself in too boozy drinks and too loud noises and just disappear for a while.

It wasn't that long after the fire, Derek still had to deal with social services checking in once in a while. He had to look normal, he had to act sane for the sake of the people still there, still caring for him in a way.

Deaton, the old family friend had managed to get all the paperwork done so that Boyd's family could take him in until he turned eighteen. It wouldn't be that long.

He didn't have to move away, didn't have to go with a foster family made of complete strangers. They had all thought it was better for him. Wrong or right, Derek wasn't certain.

Some part of him wanted to be okay for them, but he also wanted to scream.

All the damn time.

The scream was stuck inside his throat like an ache that wouldn't and couldn't go away, eating at his insides. He was vibrating with this scream, his whole being was a scream. He needed control. He needed to keep face.

Except there was this one thing, this one thing that rendered all the other things meaningless : his family was no more.

So that night he let himself lose control. Mind going blank, void of anger but void of the rest too. Void of humanity. Too far gone. It might have been the first and only time he truly did let himself not be.

Because Derek had woken up the next morning with one realization. He didn't want to die.

  
  


“Alright” Derek sighed again. Drinking, dancing, not thinking much about anything... That actually sounded pretty good right about now. “But you're paying for drinks.”

“Don't worry, they'll be plenty of people ready to buy them for us !” She smirked.

  
  


*-*-*

  
  


The ground was pulsating slightly under their feet as they walked to the club. The bouncer cast a glance at Erica and that was enough for him to let them in. Bless Erica.

“And don't worry about me if you find yourself a nice ass to bang while we're in there” Erica winked at him.

She had no shame, she was the polar opposite of Boyd in some aspects. It was a wonder they worked as well as they did. Love was a mystery.

They entered the main room of the club, and there was a world of blurry shapes of non-beings, or maybe of one large beast made of a mass of bodies. It was one and the same.

Music was coming from everywhere all around them, a range of flashing multicolored laser lights bursting in front of their eyes. The sound of bass beats vibrating throughout his body.

Erica wasn't going easy on drinks going back and forth between the long lit up bar and the shaking dance floor. It was more than fine with him and in little to no time his body was pleasantly buzzing with it.

Forgetting about work, about stupid men he could never have, Derek let himself get caught up in the atmosphere, bodies bumping against him from all sides before finding a rhythm into the smoky blur of flashing lights, the press of bodies against his as they finally moved to the same pounding beat. He was part of the beast then.

He felt a pair of hands on his waist, and startled at the sensation. He turned quickly, his eyes locked with no other than Braeden's. Of course. Her hands caressed Derek' hips. His skin bristled at the touch.

“Hey you” Braeden leaned closer to Derek's ear. “It's been a while.”

Derek was drunk, from the alcohol, from the feel of bodies rubbing against his, drunk from the music pulsing through his veins.

Yes it had been a while, and fuck Derek did miss having a warm body against his.

Without a second thought, Derek grabbed Braeden by the back of her neck and pulled her into a hard kiss. Braeden smiled against his lips and quickly deepened the kiss, letting Derek's filthy tongue into her mouth without fight.

No place for finesse, Derek was just there to take and take and take.

When Braeden pulled back and nodded towards the toilets, it didn't feel like a wrong choice to follow, so Derek did.

  
  


Once there though, it didn't feel quite right either. Both breathing loudly in the too small stall, Derek felt claustrophobic.

There was too much going on, too much noise outside and inside his mind.

Braeden was relentlessly kissing him, licking the skin of his jaw. Derek enjoyed that, he couldn't deny he did. It just– didn't feel right. Not anymore. It felt like a step back to let himself do this, and he owed it to Boyd and Erica and mostly to himself to not just go for the easy release.

“Take your pants off,” Braeden breathed in Derek's neck.

“I can't do that,” Derek said, finding his voice almost completely gone.

Braeden chuckled, hands travelling down Derek's body. “Guess I'll do it myself then.”

Moaning when a firm hand palmed him through his jeans, Derek willed himself to step back as much as the small stall allowed.

“No, I mean, I– I can't, I don't want to,” It physically hurt to say the words, his throat so dry it could barely form the words.   
  
Braeden had to blink a few times as if to make sure she was processing everything properly. “Oh.”

Derek stayed silent, crossing his arms in front of his chest. Braeden's shocked expression probably reflected on his own face. “Braeden. I– ”

Braeden looked down, looked anywhere but at Derek. “Fuck, Derek. I'm too drunk for this conversation.”

“Me too,” Derek smiled sadly.

“Have you met someone?” Braeden chanced a glance up, blushing.

“Do you see me with anyone?”

“As I said, it's been a while.. since you and I– ” Braeden gestured between them as it meant something, as if it ever had meant anything.

“I just can't do that anymore.”

Braeden nodded slowly. “I don't know how to feel about this.”

“Be okay with it” Derek frowned looking down. He hadn't thought ''breaking up'' with Braeden would feel like the end of something.

  
  


He walked out the stall and back into the crowded dance floor. He needed Erica. He needed to familiar arms of his friend.

He spotted her quickly, she was on the verge of destroying a poor guy's confidence with the power of her smile and sexy hair toss. Derek grabbed her hand without a word and pulled her to the dance floor.

“Didn't find anything to sink your teeth into, uh ?” She gave him a lopsided grin as he pulled her close to his chest.

“Nothing I need.”

“Well, you'll always have me.”


	3. The Lake

It was a simple Wednesday afternoon. There was no exciting project in preparation at the office, not that Derek would ever be concerned by the exciting projects anyway.

He was sat at his same desk. The same desk with its same old stain left there by the previous occupant. They had tried to plug a mug warmer into the computer and it had melted leaving a big gooey looking pink rubber mound in its place. Derek looked at it in disgust.

Always there in his same cubicle, around the same sort of paperwork. The old flickering neon light overhead was messing with his head. Even Malia, the new intern, with all her fresh enthusiasm couldn't brighten his day.

“Malia! Talk to me... ” Derek pleaded.

Sometimes silence truly was deafening. He had come to understand that although sometimes his body intrinsically rejected human connections, his soul on the other hand wasn't actually enjoying feeling lonely.

Nothing but silence and an empty heart. The wanders of his mind. Being alone was one thing, but his mind would sometimes lose itself, up in the stratosphere into a dark loneliness. Once up there, it could be so hard to come back down.

Suddenly his phone buzzed with a new notification. He picked it up from where it was lying on a pile of papers he still had to sort out.

“Is that you, Malia ?”

“Don't you think I have better things to do, Derek?” She said, passing her head above the cubicle wall. Derek rolled his eyes as she gave him the stink eye.

  
  


Derek unlocked his phone, hoping for something other than Boyd messaging him because he forgot to wash the dishes that morning.

He frowned as he saw it was a new Facebook friend request.

Not counting spam accounts, he hadn't had one of those since Boyd's last year at USC, when Derek was still in touch with students.

Everything radio related went through twitter or e-mails, and no one at his job ever wanted to have anything to do with him outside of office hours.

Having his Facebook account named Derek Hell was apparently giving it enough of a name code that nobody found him without having to ask him for the link. And even when they asked, nobody sent him any requests, ever. It was a surprise the account hadn't deactivated after such a long time without any activity. That thing seemed to be immortal.

  
  


Derek stared at the screen for a minute.

  * Scott McCall sent you a friend request



Who?   
Derek clicked on the profile picture of a friendly smile and a crooked jaw. Derek had never seen him in his life. The profile seemed legit, except for the part where he described himself as “living in music” and “works at ketchup.”   
As far as Derek knew, music wasn't a town and ketchup wasn't a job. Unless it meant Ketchup the restaurant, he was pretty sure it existed, or maybe the Scott in question actually worked in a ketchup factory. Why would a ketchup manufacturer want to be friends with Derek?

Boredom got the best of him and Derek clicked accept to see what this guy was about.

As soon as it was done, the phone started buzzing and buzzing with new notifications. Derek brushed a hand over his face.

“What the fuck?!” Derek exclaimed too loud for a work place.

“What?! What's going on?” Malia's head was back above the cubicle in a second. She, too, was desperate for distraction.

“I just added a big stalker on Facebook.” Derek turned to her, wide eyed.

He focused back on the phone, clicking on the next picture, it was one of the back of his head, facing the opposite side from the camera, the line of his jaw well defined and sunlight reflecting on his messy hair. The next one was of the same kind, Derek could admit they were nice pictures but it was freaky.

Why would a stalker add him on Facebook and tag him in all his creepy art work ? Was it like a _hey Derek I love you love me back or i'll kill you_ sort of thing?

“He took a dozen pictures of me when I wasn't looking?! I don't even know the guy –” Derek stopped. Oh. “Oh.”

“What?!” Malia asked impatiently. “Derek!”

Derek could feel his facial muscles fight against a smile, because that next photo... That was a picture of him walking down the winter aconite and snowdrops path trying to shy away from the objective but barely managing to hide part of his face, his amused look caught on camera as he told Stiles to stop, just stop playing with his camera, just before Stiles ran away laughing like a manic, Lucy giggling and running after him, a bouquet of stolen flowers in hand. 

There was no mistaking who took all these pictures now.

“Derek!” Malia asked again.

“It's okay, Malia. Nothing to worry about.” He looked at her trying to conceal the smile off his face.

  
  


Derek clicked on the next picture.

It was the first one of the series of pictures of the three of them by the wolf statue. One of them pulling a funny face, one smiling, one with them each holding one of Lucy's arm and making her fly over the wolf? Derek didn't even remember doing that one.

The last one was slightly blurry, but he could still clearly see Lucy giving a surprise kiss on his cheek, Derek's smiling face trying to get away moving closer to Stiles' who was looking at them with that same look of genuine adoration on his face, the same he had when Lucy was telling him one of her stories, one corner of his lips curling up in amusement.

It was the most perfect picture Derek had ever seen of himself.

He had never been able to be carefree in front of a camera, not even before. All of his childhood photos were of a broody little boy, staring at the objective with eyebrows in one single line like it had personally offended him.

But this one, this one was perfect. The flutter in his stomach was going strong.

  
  


The phone buzzed again but with a new message this time.

_Hiii! Hello!! I'm Scott; You saved my goddaughter that one time. You are now my favorite person in the world !!_

_Astronomy nerd Scott ! You had me freaking out for a second there!_ Derek quickly typed back. Where were these exclamation points coming from ? Derek was not an exclamation point type of guy.

_Ha ha! Not the only one freaking out then! got S next 2 me pacing the room telling me I'm crazy! Couldn't find the balls to request you himself._

Derek snickered. That Scott kid seemed alright. The phone buzzed again.

  * Mieczyslaw Stilinski sent you a friend request




Derek didn't even take a second to think before clicking accept. Another buzz. New message from Mieczyslaw Stilinski.

_Hello, this is Stiles Stilinski. Nice to talk to you again. How are you enjoying the pictures?_

  
  


New notification. Scott McCall tagged you in a picture.

It was a picture of three cats. Two of them were having fun play-fighting and playing with balls of wool while the third cat looked at them with a sad face. The two happy cats were tagged Derek and Scott, the third one was obviously Stiles.

Derek wondered what had become of his life, because he actually thought this was funny.

He liked it and typed in a quick comment “poor ball-less cat”

Scott instantly added “I know dude it's not natural, stinks like fake orgasms”

Derek snorted. Scott was insane.

  
  


New buzz. New message from Mieczyslaw Stilinski.

_As a master of fact I've got plenty of balls_

  
  


Derek stared at his phone biting his lips.

This was a dangerous game and he wasn't the only one playing it. This conversation could bring Derek on slippery grounds.

He had no idea how to be flirtatious. Erica would know, Erica was the master of subtext, the master of head-on flirt, able to leave a man gasping for air from just her words. It was a truly remarkable sight. A truly terrifying one too.

He knew he should be answering right away if he wanted to keep the conversation going. If he had learned one thing was that the most important thing was to not lose momentum.

He quickly looked around the office to make sure everything was still at its usual boring place. He glanced back at the screen and typed an answer sending it before he could over-analyze it.

_I'll believe it when I see it ;)_

  
  


What the fuck was wrong with him ? Derek could feel the blood flowing to his face. Why the winky face ?! He really shouldn't be doing this. At work. With a married man. Not now. Not ever. This was so wrong in all the alternate realities, this was so wrong.

He grumbled something unintelligible hitting his head on the desk. That is why he couldn't have nice things. Karma couldn't expect him to know how to handle situation like this, when his life had been what it had been. He was not equipped for a funny banter with happy people.

“Having a crisis again?” Malia said from her cubicle, not bothering to get up this time.

Derek only grunted.

  
  


The whole desk shook with the new buzz. Derek startled up and quickly unlocked the phone again.

New message from Scott McCall. Derek refused to feel disappointed.

_what happened?_

_what?_ Derek answered immediately.

_S just ran out w/out a word_

_why?_

Derek was showing off his extended vocabulary. He was back at his monosyllabic man-cave self. It seemed safer that way.

  
  


New buzz. New message from Mieczyslaw Stilinski.

_ask and you shall receive_

Attached to it was a link to an Instagram picture of a hand holding a couple of colorful Lacrosse balls in front of an old dusty bag full of what appeared to be tennis balls, golf balls and even a beach ball, some were half deflated. There was a MCCALL 11 jersey in the background. Derek was pretty sure these balls were not even Stiles'.

The caption was marked _“you better believe it”_ and as easy as that _@Derek15minutes now follows @SStilinski_

Derek had never been so glad he actually was on social media. It was somewhat mandatory for any radio host, even the 15 minute air time guest host on Saturdays.

His account was mostly empty, he would sometimes take pictures while being in the studio. Always the same kind of pictures, the printed papers of some of his listeners' writings with his late night cup of coffee - sleep be damned - set on the side of the table. He had never really thought of himself as being a hipster, but the fucking Instagram account begged to differ.

Especially compared to Stiles' account which seemed so personal. There were some pictures of landscapes and macros of insects on flower petals, but mostly pictures and pictures of people. People who were friends looking straight at the camera, some people going about their daily life activities. And of course, Lucy.

There weren't many pictures of Stiles, again with his no selfie rule apparently. The few pictures of him showed him with one or a group of friends, and Derek's favorite had to be the one where he held his little girl with flowers in her hair, on a porch in the dim evening light, moon hung already high in the sky.

  
  


_You think you are so clever,_ Derek typed.

_You have no idea_

  
  


Derek had almost commented “nice hand” but escaping a talk about balls to jump into one about hands, and more importantly Stiles' hands, was very unadvised in a public place.

This couldn't escalate into anything. It was a good thing Derek's body decided to focus his blood flow to his face rather than in southern regions.

The phone buzzed one more time. It had never been so active in his life. The only time Derek could remember having it buzz so much was when he finally had his first cellphone and Laura had taken the habit of messing with him, sending him random unintelligible texts while he was in class, just to get him in trouble.

He had been stuck on Saturday detentions a couple times because of her before Dad intervened, his stern patriarch look on his face. Dad had only said one word “Laura” and by the look alone Laura had apologized to Derek and promised she wouldn't do it again.

She hadn't stopped messing with him during class after that. She couldn't be that obedient. She couldn't stop, nor did Derek want her to, so she just bent the rule, sending a couple of texts here and there, never enough for him to get in trouble. Just enough for him to know she was there, thinking of him.

  
  


_sorry about the pics taken without your consent, it was for art's sake_

_it's ok. always blame it on the art._

  
  


Derek's heart was riding a roller-coaster.

  
  


  
  


The rest of the afternoon passed that way, between working a little bit and Stiles talking to him going from Facebook to exchanging numbers and Scott tagging each of them in weirdly funny pictures.

Stiles told him he had taken one of his really rare days off to be with Lucy. Her teacher, a certain Mrs Waldman, had a teacher's conference to attend and the class was out for the day. He could have let his daughter at school as they had some daycare planned to not disrupt all of the working parents' organization but Stiles was not that kind of parent if he could prevent it.

Uncle Scott had supposedly begged to have them spend the day with him. It was nap-time and they were playing video games at Scott's place. They were really hoping for a distraction.

Derek was here for it, distracting each other with stupid things. Sometimes it also felt like flirty things to Derek when it was in his private conversation with Stiles but then Scott would also say something equally -if not more- flirtatious in the group chat and maybe that was why it was fun.

Guys being guys, Derek supposed, though he had no real idea of what guys usually did or didn't do with their friends.

He barely texted Boyd as they mostly knew the basic outline of the other's day without having to talk about it. They weren't an exciting bunch these two. They had been in each other's pockets for one year too many.   
  
Derek found out that he really liked knowing that on the other end of the phone, just there, were two people who he could just text for the most random reasons. It was good to have people, and not just one single person. John Donne might have been onto something when he wrote _no man is an island._

As he looked up to glance at the clock on the wall behind him, it was already time to leave. He couldn't say he had been extremely efficient that day. That was accentuated by the loud snort coming out of Malia as she walked out of her cubicle and saw that the large pile of papers had barely moved an inch since lunch-break.

That wasn't enough to kill his good mood.

  
  


*-*-*

  
  


He was sat on the ground next to the couch where Boyd was sitting his feet resting on the coffee table. They were watching some reruns of the Simpsons. Too lazy to try and cook something and have it taste like crap again. They were both so hopeless in the kitchen, they couldn't even manage to make pasta or grilled cheese sandwiches without making at least one of them sick, both of them were the most probable outcome.

They had decided to order Chinese. The heavy scent of fried spring rolls mixed with the bitter taste of beer in their mouths, that was gastronomy at its finest.

  
  


“I need to save money for the wedding” Boyd admitted when Derek asked about his workload being so intense these days.

“I thought you were in no hurry. Didn't you guys say you weren't actually sure you were gonna go through with it in the end ?”

They felt good just being engaged. Both of them agreed.

“Yeah, but you know Erica. She could call me one morning and tell me ''I want to get married today !'' and we would need to at least get on a plane to Vegas and I'd have to treat her to a nice honeymoon somewhere exotic,” Boyd shrugged as he took a swing of his beer.

“A surprise wedding. Yeah that sounds like her.” Derek raised his bottle of beer toward his best friend who clinked it as a toast.

“Cheers to that !” Boyd smiled.

“I bet you can't wait. Best day of your life and all that.”

  
  


Derek remembered his mom's eyes shining with unshed happy tears every time she went to get their wedding album from the dark oak bookshelf in the living room. She had never wanted to put it away safely in a box. She had wanted the album right there where her family was, where her children were. The pictures of that day were also part of them.

The pages stained by a multitude of tiny fingers.

Cora adored this album, looking at pictures of their mom in the most beautiful dress the little girl could ever imagine. Derek secretly loved it too, even if he had often made a point of rolling his eyes to everyone each time the album was coming out on their wedding anniversary.

His dad patted the back of his neck, tenderness behind his touch. His family had been full of love. He couldn't dream a love like that. He could only live it. He was lucky to have lived it.

The wedding photo album was tucked neatly in a box now. Back in what had become Derek's room at the Boyd family house in Beacon Hills. Burned edges and blackened leather covers, but the pictures inside miraculously intact. There was still a little bit of home left.

  
Derek had almost forgotten about the whole Facebook adventure from earlier in the day once he got in their little comfortable world. But Derek' phone buzzing again brought it all back to him. Derek' eyebrows shot up.

Derek had expected this to be it.

He had texted goodbye and got in his car and drove home. Stiles had replied that he too would be leaving soon and taking Lucy home as she was always too restless at night if she stayed somewhere other than her own bed.

Derek had expected it to be it.

Yet he couldn't help the small smile spreading his lips, as he leaned up to grab it and looked at the screen.

  
  


  * Stiles Stilinski : 1




_hey, got home safe ?_

  
  


They had stopped texting about three hours ago, which really wasn't a long time. Stiles was already checking in. Stiles was probably acting like a kid would treat a new toy they can't get enough of for a few days and then forget in the back of their closet for the next decades to come. Because how could it go any differently, when Derek, plain old Derek, was neither funny nor interesting.

It would pass. But it felt nice.

  
  


“Who are you texting?” Boyd said trying to sneak a peek at Derek' screen from where he was now lying on the couch. “you have your weird glowing face again!”

“It's nothing,” Derek said and forced himself to put the phone down without replying.

  
  


He only picked it back up when it was time to go to his room for the night. Boyd only glanced at his general direction without meeting his eyes before Derek closed his door.

Boyd was onto him, Derek knew.

  
  


*-*-*

  
  


This was not a date.

Nope.

Scott had invited Derek to come for a day out to the lake. They all crammed into Stiles' very battered baby blue Jeep for the hour drive to get there.

A bunch of men and a car-seat, Derek was questioning his decisions in life.

It became very apparent to him that he was indeed a few years older than them. They were in their early twenties and Derek felt almost thirty in comparison. He wasn't at that milestone yet, but his soul definitely didn't feel young.

What came over him to say yes to this ? His hands had worked of their own volition as he had typed “OK” and hit send and somehow the whole thing came together without him having to give it a second thought, or even a first thought.

Scott had a happy puppy quality to him, while still being genuinely focused when it came to Stiles or Lucy. He loved them with all his might. Scott was a good man. Derek could appreciate a good man. Nothing in his gut made him question it, nothing in the air made him second guess. Scott felt honest.

He regretted not taking his Camaro though because at least in there he would have been comfortable and would have had enough space for his legs.

He was almost certain it wasn't exactly legal to fit that many people into a Jeep. The only secured thing in the whole ordeal was the car-seat with Lucy in it.

Derek was sitting just behind Stiles. He was trying hard to focus his gaze outside, look at the nature he hadn't taken the time to appreciate in years. Scott and Stiles were talking softly in the front and Lucy was coloring a picture in her seat next to him.

Soft faces and soft voices, soft chirping of birds outside and soft warmth from the sun overhead. There was something there he wanted to appreciate. The sight of Stiles as he turned to look at Scott, as he licked his lips trying to remember the way to go before making a u turn and apologizing to them, eyes meeting Derek's for just a second. The moles going from his cheek to his shoulder, his eyelashes fluttering as a ray of sun hit them just the right way.

  
  


They weren't the only one coming.

It was a whole thing Derek hadn't expected. Another car was supposed to arrive just before lunch. Stiles had prepared a picnic. He seemed to be the caring type, too caring type, too eager to please.

He went on and on about the nutritional value of the bread he had picked out for his sandwiches.

  
  


They got out of the car to the trail walking down to the lake and Lucy slid her hand in Derek's.

The nut brown trees were standing high and proud protecting them from the rising sun. Noon was fast approaching. Crackling leaves on the ground, they were both rustling the foliage on the side of the narrow path as they walked in and out of shady glades.

Derek found himself talking in a low whisper, he wanted to tell the little girl about his own forest. The one he knew growing up, how it reeked of age, how the organic and raw scent of the Beacon Hills preserve would rise up after a rainy day. How the trees were pulsating with a life force Derek couldn't even begin to describe. The darkest secret kept hidden beneath.   
He startled as Scott ran past them screaming and taking off his shirt.

Stiles stepped closer to them now.

“There goes our chance to see any wooden creature” he joked and added quietly “I am glad you came, Derek...” he cleared his throat. “Lucy keeps talking about you and created an imaginary version of you when she plays with her toys. You are a very important guest to every tea party ever since we went to the observatory and I figured a real invitation had to be in order.”

Derek nodded with a tight smile as the hand holding his squeezed just a little tighter.

  
  


“Who else is coming today ?” Derek asked.

He hoped pleasing his daughter wasn't the only reason Stiles was glad Derek was there. He hoped Stiles wanted to be in his presence as much as Derek felt a need for it. Socializing had always been a struggle to him, but he just couldn't imagine not wanting to be near Stiles, even if it meant being surrounded by strangers.

Shit, he didn't want to be this far gone. He shook his head, no, he was not jumping into anything except maybe dipping his toes into a fresh watered lake in the near future.

Nothing more, he swore to himself as his eyes darted to Stiles's lips.

  
  


“Allison, Isaac and Liam should be joining us anytime soon. They just had something to wrap up before coming, and anyway the Jeep couldn't handle many more people in her.”

Derek nodded at that, the flow of blood in his legs wasn't completely back to normal yet.

“Allison is Scott's -” Stiles continued, and gestured something with his hands. Scott's world, Derek guessed. “and Isaac and Liam are Scott's babies. Not actual babies !” Stiles corrected. “They're not kids, I don't want you to freak out thinking this is a preschool outing. No, They're friends but more if that makes sense ? They are his friends in a different way than usual friends are, in a different way than I am his best friend too. I don't know how to explain this. We are a big pack of some sort ? Shit, I am not making sense.”

“Scott brings you together?” Derek supplied.

“Yes, we could say that.”

“What about Lucy's mom ?” Derek would have rather ignored the question, but it was better to be prepared if he had to watch PDA all afternoon. “Is she coming ?”

“Nah, she's busy. I complain about work because I sometimes need to get calls or go to the office on Sundays when there's a deadline but hers is something else entirely. I don't know where the world would be without Lydia Martin out there saving our asses.”

Martin, not Stilinski, was all Derek wanted to register from this conversation. Stupidly enough, that made a difference. 

“What's your job ? I don't think you mentioned it before.” Derek was really working on his conversation skills.

He just wanted Stiles to keep talking, with any luck there would be a spark there helping the endless rambling burst to life. Derek wanted to hear Stiles talk, just to listen to his voice, see the words forming on his tongue, his hands fidgeting full force and feel his gaze focus strongly on Derek's as if the meaning would be conveyed by his eyes just as much as the rest of him, if not more. Derek wanted to know Stiles' mind.

“Oh nothing much, I created an app with my friend Danny just for fun. It turned out to be quite successful and got us hired into a company. They take themselves very seriously, especially Harris, my boss. It's good money but I don't know... I feel betrayed by capitalism. I wasn't raised this way. My dad. My dad is the sheriff of our small town. Life was okay growing up, but we weren't swimming in dollar bills. I'm not a big city guy, I wasn't made to make a lot of money and all the responsibilities a job like that entails at just twenty two years old. I'm sorry, it's stupid. How many times do people tell me I have the picture perfect life, and I still rant about it.”

“Picture perfect doesn't always feel perfect” was all Derek answered.

“Yeah... but yeah, it's not a bad life. Having people I love, people I care about, people who care about me. Great friends, a beautiful little girl. We're healthy, we're good. If my mom could see me now...” a shadow passed over his eyes. “Yeah...” he breathed.

They arrived at the edge of the forest. Scott's jeans and shoes scattered on the rocky beach, the boy just a small head of hair coming out to the surface in the middle of the lake.

“There goes our chance to see fish” Stiles smiled, as he settled his large backpack on the ground.

“That kid is nuts. The water must be freezing cold.” Derek frowned.

“That would be Scott, yeah. But we're lucky to have such a nice weather. It's not always the case for my birthday.”

Derek turned to him in surprise. “Your birthday ?”

“Ah yeah, I guess I should have said twenty three year old and not twenty two ! I'm getting old !” Stiles grinned. 

“Happy birthday.” 

“It will be my birthday soon too ! When it's my birthday, I'm going to have a party !” Lucy said to herself.

“Thanks. Don't worry I wasn't expecting any gift.” Stiles said with a smile as he slid past Derek with a picnic blanket. Just a little too close, just in Derek's space. Why would Derek be invited to Stiles' birthday picnic?

  
  


Stiles laid the blanket down and Lucy sprawled on it as soon as it had hit the ground. He handed his camera to her. “Here, we're going to make some memories.”

  
  


  
  


Stiles' friends arrived a little while later, carrying a large cooler with all the refreshments. The errand that had kept them from arriving earlier was that the younger of the group, Liam, had an absolute need to buy a couple of remote controlled motorboats that he wanted to sail on the lake. It was supposedly a gift for Stiles but really he wasn't fooling anyone. Isaac openly rolled his eyes when Stiles took the bag out of Liam's hands.

“Oh whoa, man, thanks I hope you have fun with my gift.” Stiles squinted his eyes, unimpressed.

  
  


Derek immediately recognized Allison. Her smile when she hugged Stiles and Scott was as bright as it had been that day on the plaza. He had guessed she was friends with Lucy's mom that day, this was confirmation. They were a close group of friends, it came as no surprise.

Stiles was that type of person. The type of man who isn't an island. Even if Stiles thought Scott was the common denominator between all of them, there was something to be said for the looks they all sent in his direction. They all cared so much.

And from just that one sentence about Lucy's mother, Derek could guess the younger man cared deeply for her, probably loved her dearly.

It dawned on Derek then that for all he wanted to believe he deserved something great, he probably did not deserve anything like this. This group of people, there was something so special there, a tranquil appreciation of each other, something come naturally and nourished by years of tender affection and devotion towards each other.

You couldn't cheat something like this.

Some people were just lucky to stumble into it and had the chance to feel the warm embrace of belonging.

Derek had seen it before in his mom and dad, that same warmth, the same tenacious kindness towards one another. He had loved to see them in the comfort of their home, in all the small domestic routines that were private just to them, their family.

This group of people, he thought as he grabbed a bottle of beer they had placed in the lake to keep cool in the shade of an old willow tree, this was a family.

  
  


Stiles kept taking pictures. Derek wondered if a picture for Stiles was the same as writing was for him. A good picture of seemingly random things and random moments was Stiles's poetry. A close-up of Lucy's hands on a sandwich. Mr Bubbles, the wolf plushy, on a rock looking at the lake. Scott and Isaac in an animated conversation about the power of men's jawlines, both trying their best impression of a blue steel. A jay flying overhead.

Derek didn't want to seem like a recluse who had only one friend and didn't know how to talk to anyone else, so he tried to ask at least one question to each one of them. 

It came more naturally than he had anticipated. Asking Allison about her first meeting with Scott, watching the man's face fall back into the revering look he must have had that one day in high-school Allison had forgotten to bring a pen. She sounded like a strong willed young woman, Derek understood what all Scott's fuss was about.

She was a self-defense educator, and it seemed to suit her well.

“I could take down any one of you in a heartbeat if I felt like it.” She said proudly with a large smile. “I have every intention of teaching Lucy as soon as she's old enough. You men better be careful.”

Scott was almost a vet, he said brightly, his mom was a nurse and he had inherited the caring gene from her. He was a veterinarian assistant at the moment but would soon graduate and hopefully open a clinic.

Turning to Isaac, Derek hadn't expected to darken the mood with a question as simple as “what about you Isaac ?” but the answer the younger man gave him hit a little close to home.

“Nah, I haven't inherited a single gene from my parents,” he said, jaw clenched. “At least not from my dad.”

After being a foster kid for a few years before turning 18, Isaac went on to study to become a foster care social worker and hopefully help make the life of some kids a little bit more acceptable.

Scott wrapped an arm around Isaac's shoulders then and pulled him against him, a hand sliding on the back of Isaac's neck to bring their heads together. Temple against temple. Isaac breathed deep at that, closing his eyes a second.

It just came out of Derek then, to tell him this was such a positive attitude to have, that he himself had been fostered by his friend's family but he knew not every kid had that chance. They fell silent for a moment, the two of them looking into the other's eyes and finding there a common understanding.

As for Liam, he was apparently drunk on his first beer and only answered “I'm just so happy dude !” clasping a hand on Derek's shoulder.

A wave of laughter wiped everything clean.

  
  


The afternoon went on, and they went swimming a little but as the water was cold, they mostly they sat there and talked and listened.

They quieted down when Lucy fell asleep in her father's arms.

Stiles put her down on a towel in the shade and came to sit near Derek who had chosen to go a little further away from where the picnic had been set up. They glanced at each other quickly before falling into a comfortable silence.

“What about you, Derek ?” Stiles said delicately after a moment.

He was looking straight in front him, knees pressed to his chest, his head resting there, fingers absentmindedly drumming on the camera in his hand. He hadn't put it down a second, not even in the lake. He never had the chance to go into deep water, needing to keep an arm out for a fearless Lucy splashing around.

“What about me ?” Derek asked staring at the shadow of a leaf dancing on Stiles's cheek.

“I don't know.” Stiles said throwing a pebble in the lake and watching the ripples fade away. “Tell me who you are. Today. It seems, I don't know, it seems difficult for you.”

Derek didn't respond for a minute. “You noticed.”

“Yeah...” Stiles turned to peek a glance at him under his eyelashes.

“I'm not good with people.” Derek admitted. “Haven't been for a while. I have Boyd who... has been the one constant in my life. And Erica, they've become a package deal. Then I have my job, what can I say about that. It pays the bills. It's just, I haven't had what you guys have in a very long time. I had forgotten. Since I lost my family.” The words hung heavy between them.

“I'm sorry.”

“Yeah.”

  
  


They didn't say another word for a few minutes, before Stiles broke the silence once again.

“My mom died when I was eleven. She was sick for a long time before that too. It was... not good. For her, for me, for my dad. Just not good. And... we all, we all have something. I don't want to tell their stories for them, they'll tell you in their own times but just... you could sort of understand Isaac's, and Scott. Scott's dad wasn't a good man either, not in the same sense as Isaac's dad was bad but just not good you know ? And Allison, her mom, something happened to her when we were in high-school and she, she just couldn't deal with it. There's just Liam really, that dumb kid, he has no childhood trauma. His only trauma is that Scott brought him home one day and he just, never left. He's stuck with us now.”

“That must have been awful for him,” Derek tried to go for a joke, but failed. His tone not quite translating any humor at all. Stiles smiled nonetheless.

“Yeah... anyway, what I'm trying to say is, don't count yourself out just yet. We won't-”

His thoughts were interrupted by Liam starting the engine of the motorboat toy, Lucy stirring awake at the noise.

“That dumb kid” Stiles muttered under his breath but couldn't hide his smile.

  
  


“Shit, guys !” Liam shouted from his spot, feet in water.

The toy boat had crashed and got stuck in a bunch of cattails. They all turned to see a wild goose peeking out of the bush a mad look in its eyes.

“Guys !” Liam shouted again as the goose came rushing out and aiming straight in his direction. “HOLY FUCK GUYS, RETREAT ! I REPEAT : RE-TREAT !!”

  
  


Allison and Scott were out of the water in seconds and pushing Liam on their way back to land. Lucy was laughing. Isaac hadn't even had to time to open the box of the second toy boat and stared at them blankly.

The goose honked loud still coming for them.

“RUN GUYS !” Scott shouted at them, running towards the woods.

Flapping of wings and honking all around.

Stiles stood up grabbing Derek by the arm and pulling him up with him. Lucy jumped at her father's neck. She was still laughing, just slightly too loud, just a little bit scared. Stiles laughed too.

The feeling swirling inside of Derek felt so surreal.

  
  


They waited, hidden behind an old tree trunk, spying as the goose took its territory over the picnic blanket, pecked the rest of Liam's sandwich.

When the coast was finally cleared, they went back to gather their things before leaving.

Stiles' fingers hadn't left Derek's arm the whole time.

  
  



	4. The Stars

“Anything you want to tell me ?” Boyd said, clearing the table of the empty pizza box they had ordered for dinner. “I waited for you to say something but apparently it's not happening.”

“Come again ?” Derek frowned.

“I know about your extracurricular activities.” Boyd said not looking impressed.

Derek almost felt like a kid caught hand in the cookie jar. It had actually happened once when he was younger. It wasn't cookies but brownies his mom had baked that morning with every intention of selling them at Cora's school bake sale. It was all looking very good, the smell of dark chocolate overflowing the house, until Derek's sweet tooth got the better of him and he tried to sneak one piece out of the plate.

Talia had been right there in the corner of the kitchen, out of sight, as he went in and startled him so badly he actually dropped the whole plate onto the white tiled kitchen floor. The brownies spread out everywhere in a galaxy of crumb and grease.

So stereotypical, it was almost funny.

She had not been impressed though. It was all in her eyes, Derek saw it then. She just took the bag of flour out of the cupboard and handed it to him. They spent the rest of the morning baking together. Derek had often regretted afterwards not remembering the recipe.

  
  


“You know ?” Derek asked, leaning back against his chair.

“I do. At least part of it. A kid named Liam Dunbar tagged you in a picture on Instagram.”

Derek crossed his arms over his chest. “OK.”

“A shirtless picture of you at a lake, Derek !” Boyd continued as he leaned forward, putting his hands on the table.

“OK.” Derek said again.

“And it looked like you were smiling !” Boyd deadpanned.

Come on now, Derek smiled. Sometimes.

“Indeed.”

“Indeed ?!” Boyd exclaimed, his frustration building up.

“What do you want me to say, Boyd ? I don't know what to tell you.” Derek tried hard to keep his tone even.

“That Liam kid, Derek. I looked at his profile. Tell me you're not fucking some underage twink !” Boyd threw his arms up in the air.

Derek almost had to laugh at that. Imagining Boyd investigating and being outraged. He wondered if Erica had been there too, infusing her sexual innuendos in every picture as if scrolling through a porn site.

Derek couldn’t help but let out a snort. “Boyd, please. Don't go all righteous on me. Nothing is happening with Liam. Nothing is happening with anyone.”

That was true too. Derek could be one hundred percent honest in saying nothing was happening. What was to be said about just few lingering looks and a couple of fingers brushing.

This wasn't a Jane Austen novel for Christ's sake. Just guys hanging out.

Derek deserved to have friends, didn't he ? Boyd had been the one to tell him that for years, and now he was pissing himself for a stupid picture of Derek by lake. It would be funny if it wasn't infuriating.

“So why the secrecy ?” Boyd shot back, looking straight at him.

“It's just that one time. There's nothing to say. It's not a secret, if there's nothing.” Derek said with a furrowed brow.

He couldn't figure out why this one picture had Boyd so worked up. It was just Derek at a lake.

It probably wouldn't be a recurring thing, Stiles wouldn't be inviting him over for picnics every weekend. He wasn't cheating on Boyd.

Yes, he wanted to keep this tiny piece of life a little hidden from the world, a little out of the reality of the world, a little just to himself. Not say the words out loud, so it could just stay inside. For safe keeping. That didn't have to mean anything.

“Then why do you have that face if there's nothing ?” Boyd said carefully, as he would a wounded kitten.

  
  


_Fuck_ , Boyd knew Derek too well. Boyd could have been a detective and the case study of his career would have been Derek's lack of grasp on his own emotions. They had known each other since forever and Derek could honestly say that if he didn't love Boyd to death, he wouldn't be able to stand the guy.

  
  


Derek sighed, running a hand through his hair.

“Because maybe I'd like it if there was something ?” He managed to say, fighting the dryness in his throat.

“There we go.” Boyd encouraged. “Months in the making.”

“Maybe there's someone ? Not Liam.” Derek precised before Boyd worried himself to pieces.

Boyd's hand rolled, urging him to continue. “Just a little bit more.”

“Maybe... maybe it goes a little bit beyond attraction.” Derek inhaled sharply.

“Yeah ?” Boyd nodded, biting down on his lower lip.

“Maybe it wouldn't be void of meaning like it was with Braeden. Maybe it'd be the opposite of that. If I let it.”

“And ?”

“And nothing.” Derek concluded, tone final. “It's not open for discussion. He's in a long-term committed relationship.”

Boyd's eyebrows shot up at that. “Shit, so why bother ?”

“I don't know, Boyd. Because I don't care that he's straight, that nothing is ever going to happen, I don't care.” Derek closed his eyes, focusing on his breathing for a moment.

“What about self-preservation Derek ?” Boyd asked, with just a hint of a tenderness only a long-time friend could have in his tone.

“There's none.” Derek said looking straight at Boyd for the first time since the conversation started.

“Well fuck...” Boyd breathed a minute.

  
  


*-*-*

The sun was peeking through the window, shining on a post-it note from Boyd on the kitchen counter, as Derek woke up one morning. Boyd had left early to go work at the office again. Derek scratched his head, staring sleepily at the note. 

YOUR TURN TO GO GROCERY SHOPPING  
DO **NOT** UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES  
COME BACK WITH A HUNDRED PACKETS  
OF INSTANT NOODLES !!!

  
  


It was a real skill that Boyd had, being able to fit that many all-caps on a post-it note.

Derek snorted and took out his phone. Without even thinking about it, he snapped a picture and send it to Stiles with the caption : _What can be so wrong about instant noodles ?_

Derek didn't have time to even close the inbox before getting a reply.

_Dude, so many things !_

_But they're good._

_100 packets really though ?_

_I can't say it didn't happen at least once. Ok maybe twice._

_Jfc, you clearly need a grocery spirit guide !_

_I'll get Erica to come with me. She can't refuse me anything._

_I bet she can't._

  
  


Was the new excitement of friendship not supposed to fade away by now ? Derek's heart hadn't gotten the memo.

He did manage to have Erica on board with grocery shopping. She had first said no of course but he showed her the note. Really, if she wasn't coming, that would put them at risk of a third instant noodle apocalypse. Boyd had been so insufferable to both of them when the last two instances happened. Who would want to relive such an awful time ?

"You suck, Hale, you know that !" she glowered as she grabbed her purse and followed him out the door.

  
  


Derek knew exactly who he was looking at when he parked his car in the back of the parking lot. He tried to calm the pounding of his heart. On the other side of the crowd, Stiles was grabbing a shopping cart and putting Lucy in the seat. 

  
  


"Erica. Please do not jump into any sort of conclusion." Derek said as he was about to open his car door.

Erica's head snapped up. "He is here ?"

"What ?"

"The guy ?! Boyd told me there was a guy !"

Derek closed his eyes, rubbing his forehead with the tip of his fingers. "Of course he did."

"So ? You invited him for a shopping date? That's strange, but hey! Oh, oh! That's why you wanted me to come? So I could meet him? Oh my God, you love me!" She spun excitedly to look around the parking lot.

"Oh Jesus." He breathed out. "No, Erica, just no."

"Who's the cutie ?! Is it that one? or that one?" She said pointing randomly at a guy then another. 

"Keep your finger to yourself." Derek grabbed her hand to keep her still. "You'll find out soon enough."

  
  


"Stalking much ?" Derek said as a way of greeting.

"Maybe." Stiles answered lazily, looking up at him from under his lashes. "We were in dire need of food too and I figured I'd take my chances. I swear we didn't drive around town to check out all the grocery stores."

"Not bad." Erica cut in with a smirk.

"This is my friend Erica." Derek waved a hand in her direction. "Erica, this is Stiles and Lucy."

"Nice to meet you." Stiles said politely.

"The pleasure is all mine!" Erica sighed dramatically.

  
  


Stiles stepped into the store. Derek was about to grab a cart of himself when Erica pulled him back by the elbow.

"Oh, honey." She said shaking her head, a serious look on her face. "You definitely, _definitely_ , need to hit that."

"I don't like you." Derek shoved his hands in his pockets and started walking away.

"What about the cart ?" Erica called after him.

Damn it.

  
  


It was now official, Derek hated Erica. He would go home and tell Boyd she had to go because Erica wasn't a good person. She kept winking at Stiles the whole time they were in the store. She even made a very unsubtle innuendo on the fresh vegetables aisle when they were picking some zucchinis.

"You should really eat what's in season." Stiles had answered matter-of-factly, putting some parsnips in his cart. His cheeks were just a little red when he looked back at Derek.

Derek's stomach made some unpleasant twists every time he saw Erica walking straight into Stiles' space like she belonged there. It was one thing when she did it to some poor unsuspecting guy at the club but this was not some poor random guy, this was his – this was Stiles.

"Erica, cut it out." He snarled under his breath, after she made some lewd comment about whipped cream.

She just snickered and left him there.

Stiles was talking with Lucy and came to bump his cart against Derek's.

"Hey, you know what, you should get some of that whipped cream. You never know when that could come in handy. Although, I'm more of natural taste kind of guy." Stiles said innocently.

Derek choked.

He just pushed Stiles out of the way and took the cart where Lucy was down the aisle. He was safe with her. She smiled and made him kiss her wolf plush. Mr Bubbles seemed to have become a constant. Derek smiled as he remembered the moment she had fallen in love with it at the observatory shop. 

"We learn a lot about someone looking at what they eat, that's common knowledge." Stiles continued, skipping step to catch up to him.

"Oh yeah ? And what does this say about me ?" Derek said holding up a bag of sour gummy worms.

"What do you want it to say ?"

"You're making shit up, aren't you ?" Derek snorted.

Before Stiles could even answer, Erica came back with an armful of tortillas and cans. "Quesadillas tonight ! Stiles you're in ?"

"Nah sorry, can't." Stiles said, digging for his phone in his pocket. "Actually we need to go. It was nice meeting you, Erica. Derek." Stiles nodded, cheekily.

He picked Lucy from the cart and walked to the exit.

"Hey, that's not our cart ! What about your groceries ?!" Erica called after them.

"Buy them ! Or leave them !" Stiles answered, shouting across the store, before starting to run pulling Lucy behind him. Derek could hear her laughing all the way from the parking lot.

"Apparently he wasn't really in dire need of food. I wonder what that could possibly mean... Any thoughts, Derek?" Erica side-eyed him with a smirk.

Derek refused to think about it, talk about it, and just ended up buying the groceries. Both carts.

Erica would never let him live it down.

But Boyd had never been happier coming home from work than that day looking at his pantry.

  
  


*-*-*

  
  


Derek got back to his job on Monday like every other week. He went to get everyone coffee like every other morning. But he felt different. Different how, he wasn't sure yet but it felt good.

The strange thing was that people started staring a little. And by Wednesday, Derek stared back suspiciously each time, until he realized why, when the lady at the cafeteria was the third person that morning alone, noticing how he seemed to smile more and complimented him on it.  
  
“Was I that gloomy before ?” He said lightly.

“No! It's great that you're happy now –” Malia sounded so fake, she started blushing.

Derek gave her a stern look. “Really convincing acting job there, Malia.”

“I just mean I don't want you to change too much.” She started again, more genuine this time. “I like that new look but really, you already looked like a freaking model, you know the broody handsome kind, but if you add a smile on top of that. Puh-lease. Count the whole ovaries population dead. Even Finstock might try to blow you in his office, who knows ? ”  
“Jesus, Malia !” Derek said, shaking his head. “I never wanted to have this image in my head.”

“Hey, I'm just saying, it could work in your favor for that promotion you were talking about !” She shrugged.

“I'd rather get coffee every day for the rest of my life.”

“Meh, too bad” She concluded with a toothy grin. “I just gotta say, that person you're in love with, I hope they know they're lucky.”

“What? I'm very much single.” Derek answered, matter-of-factly.

“Uh-huh. That's not what you're Facebook profile says.” Malia raised her eyebrows, her smirk not leaving her face. “Mister ''it's complicated''”

“What ?” Derek scrambled for his phone and logged in. There it was, Derek Hell had modified his relationship status to it's complicated on Saturday.

It had been there for five days. Five days of people thinking he was what? In love with a complication?  
Somebody hacked his account, and he knew exactly who was capable of that.

“I'm going to kill Erica !” He said between gritted teeth.

  
  


*-*-*

  
  


Derek bought a tent just for this. He didn't even look at the new models in the store and automatically grabbed the same exact tent they had when he was a kid. The store employee who had been about to come and make a selling speech, stared at him and said that he could appreciate a man who knew what he was doing.

Except Derek didn't.

His dad had never let him near the tent. Not while he was putting it together at least. It was a one man job, he used to say. No man was truly a man if they didn't know how to build their tent.

Derek's dad was terrible at the job. Derek who was seven years old at the time, had told him the manual clearly stated there was a step requiring two people. His dad wouldn't listen. He would get mad at the tent breaking down, he would curse through the woods but he would not let his son help.

Not for years. Not ever. Not even on that last trip they took as a family that summer.

Derek just let it be, he would roll his eyes so hard his whole head moved when his dad kicked the same old tent years after years because the tent wouldn't stand upright like he wanted it to. He always managed to pull it off at some point after a few hours but some parts were never installed. Never the same parts on any given trip.

Talia had taken Derek aside one day. She had told him it was just a question of ego. That it wasn't about not loving Derek. Just something his dad had to do, for himself probably. She didn't quite understand it either. Just some mysteries of the past.

  
  


  
  


There were two other tents on site. Pop up tents. Derek scratched the back of his neck realizing he might have been too quick at the store.

“Man, that's a real tent !” Liam laughed, earning him a mild glare from Derek. “Do you need all that work and space just for a night out in the woods ?”

“Let the man build his tent in peace” Scott came to the rescue, playfully pushing Liam's cap down over his eyes. “Sorry, Derek. You know, about inviting you on a guy's camping trip but realizing last minute that we didn't have any space for you.”

“It's fine.” Derek said.

  
  


Once again, Scott's plans were in action. Once again, it only took one text message. One meaningful text in the flood of others texts Derek received every day of the week.

Stiles had been the one to precise that he needed his camping gear. Scott had failed to mention it was actually camping in tents. Derek could have very well believed they had a cabin out in the woods for all of Scott's excited “we're going to have so much fun” texts, he hadn't said anything about tents.

It turned out they only had two small-ish tents. One was for Stiles and Lucy, the other was for the boys, Scott and his two babies, Isaac and Liam. Derek started to see them as such. Liam in particular, from the top of his nineteen years, looked at Scott like a son looked at his father.

It went both ways, Scott had a protective quality towards Liam. The younger man accepted it most time, but still rebelled against it sometimes, until he became hungry - for food or affection - and ran back to him like a teenager would.

  
  


Stiles and Isaac were out gathering firewood. Scott kept messing around with Liam. Derek spent his time building his tent to the better of his abilities. Minding his own business, he wondered again why he had been invited. Scott had said they used to go camping a lot when they were younger, but Stiles hadn't felt comfortable joining them since Lucy was born. This was his first time back with the group for the night out. First big girl's adventure for Lucy. First time for Derek too, with them, and since Beacon Hills. A lot of firsts here.

“Hey, Lucy, can you come here a second ?” He called out to the little girl picking flowers nearby. “Could you please hold this part for me while I tie this rope ?” He asked, miming the gesture, and taking her hand to show just how to do it right. She did just what she was asked, her little tongue peaking out in concentration. They moved to another part and then another. “See, a good tent is a two people job.”

“We did a good job !” Lucy agreed, inaugurating the tent by being the first one to ever set foot inside.

“Couldn't have done it without you, kiddo.” Derek smiled softly.

  
  


When he looked up, rubbing his hands over his jeans, dusting the leaves of grass off, after finishing his work, Stiles was at the end of the clearing looking at him. He let one of his log fall from his arms and let out a loud yelp as it almost crushed his foot.

Lucy ran to him and brushed his arm softly. “It's alright, daddy ! You're okay, everything is going to be okay. Don't worry !” she comforted him.

Stiles took her in his arms and seemed to breathe more easily.

“I'm okay, don't worry.” he reassured her, brushing his nose against her cheek. “Come on, honey, let's go to the lake now that everything is settled here.” Stiles said, grabbing a blanket from his tent on the way.

All three men and the little girl were out the clearing then, chatting excitedly. Scott had planned a whole star gazing activity.

Derek followed them at a distance, trying to unknot the strange feeling in his gut.

  
  


They played ball on the bank for a while. Everything in a mix of laughter and friendly banter.

Liam slipped trying to catch the ball and ended up in muddy puddle close to the water.

  
  


“Shit,” he muttered, standing back up, a his jeans harboring a large brown stain.

“Alien invasion! It's not mud, it's tHE MARK OF THE CHOSEN!!” Scott shouted, running straight to tackle him back on the ground.

“Son of bitch !” Liam snapped, still breathless from laughing.

  
  


All the excitement made Lucy run around in circles, chanting “Aliens, aliens, aliens !” shaking her head from side to side.

Suddenly she stopped. A splash in the water.

“Mister Bubbles” she stared at her now empty hands, a distressed look on her face. “Mister Bubbles ! Oh no, I lost Mister Bubbles !”

  
  


In barely a second, no time to register anything of what was going on, in one fluid and focused movement, Stiles threw himself in the water after the wolf plush. There was an extremely loud splash that had everybody turn to look at the lake and out of there came Stiles, soaking wet, holding Lucy's just as wet Mister Bubbles in his hand.

Derek stared at him, a little bit dazed.

Wet hair sticking in all directions, before his free hand came to smooth it back, Stiles was absolutely drenched, his shirt was dripping wet sticking to his chest, sketching his body in a way Derek had never seen. Everything was clinging to Stiles' skin.

Stiles' chest was heaving, breathless and coldly shivering, as the lake water must have been colder than he had imagined at this evening hour.

  
  


“Dude,” Isaac stared blankly. “We could have just used a stick to bring it back to the shore.”

“Well, now you say that, Isaac !” Stiles retorted, pursing his lips.

  
  


Scott walked up to his friend, quickly. “Let's go get changed, man. Did you bring enough clothes ?”

“Yeah, yeah I have a spare.” Stiles said before giving a wink in Lucy's direction. “Mister Bubbles will sleep by the fire tonight.”

“Don't burn him. He's scared of flames.” She advised him, with an embarrassed smile.

  
  


“So, I was having a pretty good week,” Isaac said a propos of nothing as he found himself only with Derek and Lucy, a pretend scowl on his face. “and then I found myself here with these idiots.”

Derek gave a soft snort back.

  
  


  
  


They ate the food Stiles had prepared in the cooling air of the evening. The night was upon them, orange and pink, fainting lights between mountains. Darkening reflections on the water.

As the sun set, the earth smelled that particular scent of spring, the scent of bloom and rebirth.

Stars doting the sky one by one, Derek laid down next to the group, not far from Stiles. Lucy was cuddling to her dad, next Scott who was in the middle, with his boys on the other side of him.

As everything darkened slowly, Scott started talking and gesturing to the skies above. The winter constellations lingering in front of them. He started with the Big Dipper, the easiest for Lucy to recognize. Then, he pointed to Capella twinkling brightly. Slowly, Scott's hand traveled the sky to show the twin stars.

“See, Lucy,” Scott said gently. “All these stars, they will help you find all the secrets of the universe and they will guide you on your stargazing adventures!”

“It's like magic” the little girl agreed, with a smile. "Tell us a story, Uncle Scott ! Pleeeaaase !"

"Okay, okay this is the story for tonight guys. Just the one before we go back to camp. Zeus fell in love one day. He fell in love with a beautiful nymph. Only Zeus had a jealous wife. As soon as his wife, Hera, heard of the feelings her husband had developed for the nymph, she used her powers to changed the nymph into a bear. When the nymph went to seek the help of her child, her son got scared of the bear she had become. Zeus then changed him into a bear too so they could stay a family and sent them both into the skies. That's how Ursa Major, the big bear, and Ursa Minor, the small bear, were born in the night sky. Remember the Big Dipper, up there ? That's where they are. »

"Whoaaaa," Lucy breathed.  
  


Derek turned his gaze away from the sky to look at Stiles lying close to him. The younger man was breathing deeply, eyes closed, the corner of his lips turned slightly upward. He wasn't asleep, Derek knew, but he was certainly enjoying this moment for something other than the stars above.

  
  


They came back to the campsite. Isaac tended to the fire.

Scott and Liam took out their guitars. Derek rubbed a hand over his face and scratched at his stubble. They were that kind of people, he should have known. Lucy started dancing her arms stretched out and head and feet moving from side to side to the music, Isaac started imitating her, as a student would follow his choreographer. It was as ridiculous as it was endearing.

Stiles only finger drummed the rhythm on his thighs until Scott called out to him, “Come on, dude, your turn !” and started drumming his fingers on the body of his guitar.

“Dude, no.”

“Dude, yes !” Scott replied brightly. “I know, you know this one !”

“Fly me to the moon, let me play among the stars” Stiles started singing tentatively before shaking his head. “Nah nah I can't, I can't, I don't know, I suck at lyrics.”

“In other words ! Hold my hand ! In other words, ” Scott, Liam and even Isaac started serenading before Stiles joined in again and finished a “Baby kISS ME !” from the top of their lungs, arms stretched up to the sky. They all burst out laughing, even Lucy who started spinning around.

Derek looked at Mr Bubbles which was quietly drying at a safe distance from the fire, because looking at Stiles at that moment would not have been judicious at all. Not when the younger man's voice and his laughter were buzzing through Derek's whole being.

  
  


  
*-*-*

Derek heard commotion outside in the middle of the night, in between the singing of some crickets. He hadn't fallen asleep yet, his mind swirling into a chaos of half-formed thoughts and desires.

  
  


“Shit. Shit. No not shit, we don't say bad words.” Stiles said in a loud whisper, as he unzipped something.

“I'm sorry Daddy. I'm sorry.”

“It's okay, sweetheart. Don't worry. Don't worry. Take off your clothes, honey. I have another pajama for you. Don't worry. It's alright. I'll just grab the blanket we used earlier. Shit, shit no, that's a bad word. Ok no blanket.”

“I'm sorry.”

“Honey, it's alright, it happens. It's nothing bad. Take off your clothes. Grab some wet wipes to clean yourself. You can't stay wet. I'm going to figure it out, don't worry.”

  
  


“Is everything okay ?” Derek asked, opening his tent just enough to let his head out. Lucy was half naked in the darkness and Stiles' silhouette was in complete disarray in the dying campfire light.

“Crap, sorry, I didn't mean to wake you.” Stiles muttered.

“What's going on ?” Derek stepped out of his tent then.

“Nothing bad. Just a little accident.” Stiles said with a tight smile.

“You're wet.” Derek stated, eyes travelling down Stiles' chest to see a large darker stain.

“Yeah...” Stiles looked down sheepishly. “She was all over the place when it happened. I wanted to get the blanket to change the bedding but really it's as dirty as it could get. I can't believe I didn't prepare for this happening.” he sighed.

“You can take my tent.” Derek replied without thinking.

“What ? Dude, no. I can't take your tent.”

“I'm done, Daddy” Lucy said from where she had been putting on her new clean pajama pants.

“You take the tent. You can't go in Scott's, they're probably already packed like sardines in there.” Derek's head gestured to the small two-person pop-up tent where three grown men were already sleeping.

“Yeah... and Liam is gassy so no thank you.” Stiles' nose scrunched up in mock disgust.

“All the more reasons, then.” Derek smiled.

“We're sleeping with you, Derek ! It's like it's a party !” Lucy cheered, looking up at him.

Derek's eyebrows shot up, “Oh I -”

“Yeah,” Stiles swallowed visibly. “We're not throwing you out of your VIP family size tent. That would be a terrible camping trip invitation.”

Derek met his gaze, a little taken aback. “I guess there's enough space, yeah.”

“Cool.” Stiles answered awkwardly as he followed Derek. Lucy jumped excitedly up and down in the tent as she would if it was a trampoline.

“Here take this.” Derek said throwing a clean t-shirt to Stiles.

“Wha-” Stiles managed to grab it and looked at it frowning at first before he recognized what it was.

“Put it on.” Derek ordered. He was pretty certain Stiles didn't have any more clean and dry clothes after his adventure in the lake. And he knew very well Stiles would never ask and would spend the rest of the night cursing himself for not packing more than two changes of clothes for one single night out. Derek wouldn't allow that under his roof.

“Dude,” Stiles started to counter but stopped seeing the unimpressed look on Derek's face. “Thank you.”

  
  


Derek forced himself to look away as Stiles took off his dirty shirt and threw it out of the tent, before managing to slide into Derek's own t-shirt. Forced himself to not think about Stiles wearing his clothes. Forced himself to not think about Stiles at all.

Stiles came in the middle, between Derek and Lucy, turning towards his daughter, his back to Derek.

“Goodnight !” Lucy said brightly.

  
  


Lucy tossed and turned for a few minutes, like a puppy rolling three times before settling down and falling asleep. Stiles did not move.

Derek was on his back staring at the tent walls. The outside breeze playing with the brand new material. The crickets had started singing again.

His soul wanted to write poems about this moment. About a gust of something unknown. About feelings grown on the paths between the evergreens. About the scare and recklessness that came through spurts of light. The crackling of wood in the fire. Stars and sparks dancing in the moonlight. Undiscovered constellations on Stiles' skin.

  
  


He didn't know how much time passed before he finally fell asleep.

It was still dark out when he opened his eyes again. There was one of Lucy's foot above his head, little toes moving in a dream and brushing against a strand of his hair. Stiles had moved.

Stiles had moved.

Closer.

He was facing Derek now, a hand was spread across Derek's abdomen, moving slowly up and down with each breath Derek took. He could feel that hand radiating warmth. It pulled at Derek's insides, it stung. Still, he breathed easier with the weight of this sting than before he ever knew it. He stayed like that a moment, just breathing, the cool air waking his senses.

Maybe his poems would spell out Stiles' name without even realizing it.

  
  


He woke up again at dawn, Lucy stirring awake next to him.

Her big brown eyes twinkled as she said, “It's the morning. I see light.”

“Shhh, let's not wake your dad.” He said as quietly as he could. “Let's go outside.”

  
  


Later when Stiles finally emerged, Derek was sitting with Lucy on a log near the ashes that were a burning fire the night before. She was busy making him pretty with hair clips. She had brought her essentials with her and was very excited that Derek agreed to let her do it. A perfect way to keep her in place and not wake the others at 6AM.

She had multicolored butterfly hair clips and kept rearranging them in Derek's hair.

“This is looking very perfect.” She preened at her work, every time she put another one in.

Derek froze meeting Stiles' eyes. Surely his cheeks as well as the the tips of his ears were turning a little bit red.

Stiles froze too a second, before his eyebrows shot up, his nose flared with the sharp intake of breath and his mouth contorted in something that was clearly failing at keeping the mocking smile off his face.

Derek must have looked ridiculous with a rainbow of butterflies on his head. He'd be damned if he cared, he exaggeratedly rolledhis eyes before turning away with a fond smile.

  
  


“I was going to ask if you guys had been awake for a long time but clearly you have been quite busy.” Stiles teased, causing Derek to groan in mock frustration.

"Daddy, don't you think Derek looks very pretty?" Lucy asked still very focused on her hair clips.

"Yeah." Stiles said with a smile.

Derek took in the gentle look on the other man's face before saying, “This is the prettiest I've ever felt.”

It wasn't even a real joke.

  
  



	5. Fairy Dust

  
  


Derek's phone buzzed with a call from an unknown ID.

“Hello ?”

“Hi, Derek ? This is Allison. Argent. I just got your number from Scott's phone. I'm so sorry I don't know. Are you free ? Right now ? I just... I got a call from my dad and there has been an emergency and I need to go. I can't get a hold of anyone. Stiles has a big meeting this afternoon and Scott is at the clinic and he forgot his phone here. The boys have exams this week and they locked themselves at the library and they must have turned their phones off because I can't reach anyone. No wonder Stiles never wants to ask us for anything. We suck. Oh God, there's glitter everywhere. I offered - I offered to help. But God, Lydia would have been so much better at this than I am, but she's not here. God, I'm a terrible person, I just met you that one time. I can't do this. I can't ask you to-”

“Allison” Derek cut in, only now realizing who was on the other end of the phone.

“But, I don't know, Stiles seems to trust you so I think... I don't know. It could be okay. I'm freaking out, I don't want Lucy to see me freaking out and I need to go to my dad. I -”

Derek pressed the heel of his palm to his forehead. He really didn't know what he was stepping into but the words were rolling off his tongue. “I just got off work. I'm coming over, just text me the address.”

  
  


Derek arrived to a wild eyed Allison, paint stained cheeks, hair in the messiest bun imaginable.

“I'm so _so_ sorry.” She said, handing a small jar of what looked to be golden glitter to him. “I realized after hanging up that I actually never told you about today.”

“What ?” He said, instinctively taking the jar out of her hand before frowning down at it quizzically.

“I'm so sorry. Lucy has this dance show at school tonight at 7. I needed to make her the fairy princess costume and I spent all afternoon failing at it completely. I am not ready to be a mother. I'm so sorry, Derek, I mean, you can change your mind and go if you want to.”

Derek fixed her with an intensely startled look, “Allison, I don't know the first thing about costumes.”

“Neither do I.” Allison said, apologetically. “Lucy knows though, if that helps. Would you mind staying ?”

“I'll stay. Go check on your father, make sure he is okay.” Derek said, rubbing the back of his neck.

“Stiles will meet you up at school for the show. He promised he'd be there on time, he always manages when it's a promise ! Thank you, you're a life-saver !”

And just like that she grabbed her keys and was out the door. 

Derek stopped a minute in the hall. He stared down at the jar of glitter in his hand, looked around at the pictures on the wall. Lucy as a newborn. A picture of everyone at a pumpkin patch in the Fall. A picture Stiles, Lucy and Lydia. 

Derek inhaled deeply to give himself some spirit. The air smelled distinctively of Stiles. 

  
  


The living room was a mess. Lucy sat in the middle with a tube of glue actually glued to her dress and a terrible amount of confetti in her hair.

Allison hadn't been joking. It was an absolute disaster.

Lucy turned to him with the biggest grin Derek had seen in someone looking at him in years.

“Derek, I'm a fairy !” she said with a smug grin.

“Well, I believe you aren't one yet.” He crossed his arms over his chest playfully. “Aren't you missing some wings ?”

  
  


In the end, making a fairy costume was actually not as excruciating as Derek could have imagined. They had all the materials on hand, either Allison or Stiles, probably Stiles, had gone all out with this. They had glitter, lots and lots of glitter, paint -the normal kind and also the glow in the dark kind-. They had felt and tulle and sequins, and other stuff Derek didn't even know existed even with having had sisters in his life.

“I want rainbow wings ! Rainbow wings are the prettiest wings !” Lucy said as Derek was cutting a basic outline for butterfly wings on a big cardboard.

“You know, that reminds me I read a story not long ago about a fairy with rainbow wings. It was a beautiful but sad story about this little creature. The fairy was named Holly, and she was a guardian of nature and fate and she would be able to come out of hiding one day a year only to share her wisdom. Every May the first, she would come to the house of her chosen human and restore the calm in their household and their heart. She would bring peace where before had been torment. Every time, she had to start over because the human, sad to see her go, spent the whole year looking for her in the fairy circles in the grass of the forest, without ever being able to find her until it was May again.”

“Oh I know that story too ! Daddy told it to me, that's why I love rainbow wings so much !” She said proudly. “I wish the human would find the fairy so they'd both be happy.”

  
  


Derek fell silent a moment.

This story, it was one of Derek's choice for Famous 15. It had been written by a teenage girl from Idaho. Derek remembered the exact moment he opened the file on his computer and read it for the first time. The message from the girl had been a mess of apologies saying how it was the first time she sent out any of her writings and she wasn't sure it was any good at all and was sorry. He hadn't expected much of it but it was short and sweet and everything a bed time short story was meant to be. Derek had replied with his usual professional email of thanks for the submission and congratulations as the story was selected for a reading the following Saturday night and added a special post-scriptum at the end telling the girl to not doubt herself and keep writing.

The only possible way to know this story exactly as it was, was to listen to Derek narrate it on the radio.

Which meant Stiles had.

  
  


He didn't want to stop and really think about what this could possibly mean.

Derek decided to take this knowledge of the fairy and put it to good use. He knew exactly how these wings had to be. Golden glitter edges, a rainbow going from red on top to purple at the bottom, silvery streaks going through it like the veins of a leaf. He decided to also hot glue some sequins because why the hell not, and made a mask out of glitter foam, let's go rogue with this.

Crafting was fun. Lucy seemed to be having the time of her life, following excitedly every direction Derek gave her, and painting the colors with extreme care.

  
  


Lucy knew the way to her school, which was in a short walk distance from Stiles' house. She was striding proudly holding Derek's hand all the way. She introduced him as _her Derek_ before even being asked when they passed by her teacher.

Derek apologized not knowing how to handle the situation. He was a stranger to all of this, a stranger to this school and in the eyes of the teachers too. He shook Mrs Waldman's hand explaining he was a friend helping out with babysitting and Stiles would be coming soon, hoping that seemed nonthreatening enough.

The teacher just smiled and said welcome, before crouching to talk to Lucy and congratulate her on how wonderful her costume looked. Lucy beamed and twirled. Derek felt a pinch a pride pushing at his ribs.

Lucy followed her teacher's instructions and went into her class to finish getting ready. Derek was invited to go sit in the common area which was used as the lunch cafeteria and also gross motor skill class and was for the night, a theater.

Preschools can multitask like that.

There were rows of plastic chairs and wooden benches, Derek chose a wooden bench where no one was currently sitting. He didn't want people talking to him so he stayed a little to the side. He figured a bench would allow him to keep a seat for Stiles without actually looking like he was keeping a seat. Stiles probably knew most of these people, maybe he'd like to go sit with one of the other parents and would be able to do so without feeling like a jerk if Derek wasn't openly keeping a chair for him.

Still, Derek wished he would come sit next to him.

  
  


Actually Derek wished Stiles would show up at all.

The kids were about to come out and there were no trace of him. Derek's phone had been silent the whole time. He couldn't even be sure Stiles knew he was there instead of Allison.

Derek let out a loud sigh that made a mother turn around. “Sorry” he said with a forced smile.

Oh yes, he was sorry, for himself. He was not even sure he could say he was Stiles' friend without it sounding like a lie. They texted sometimes. They texted quite regularly in fact. Almost every day if Derek wanted to be precise. But he probably received more messages from Scott, so what could it possibly mean ?

As Allison had brilliantly said, “I just met you that one time” and Stiles wasn't so far beyond that one time, was he ? Did it all mean something ?

Derek was there at the preschool dance show for the daughter of the guy like it was a normal thing to do. The teacher would have him thrown out if she knew.

Derek wasn't a creeper, but he started to feel like one. All the other parents were talking to each other because they all knew they belonged there. Derek didn't belong there.

  
  


The show started with the older kids coming to sing a medley about trees.

“If I were a tree, what a tree I'd be, if I were a tree, what a tree I'd be...”

Derek started to hum along and couldn't help the smile on his face when the kids started doing the choreography and making nomnomnom noises at the pretend apples they were eating. The kids were so into it, it was endearing. It made him forget about everything else.

  
  


“Did I miss it ?” Stiles said gliding on the wooden bench next to Derek, his hand traveled the long of Derek's back as he tried to arrange himself on the seat. Derek tensed at the surprise. He had almost forgotten about Stiles.

“What ?” Derek turned to him.

“Did I miss it ?” Stiles repeated. “I tried to get out of the meeting as soon as I could.”

“No, you're fine. It was just the older kids. Lucy's class comes at the end.”

“Oh good,” Stiles sighed, the agitation in his eyes calming down as he took the time to blink. Derek just stared at him. Stiles looked exhausted, puffy bags under his unfocused eyes.

“Are you okay ?” Derek asked.

“Yeah, yeah nothing I can't handle.” Stiles said, barely a whisper, not meeting his gaze. The kids were shouting _trunk trunk TRUUUNK_ in the background.

“Okay,” Derek replied, forcing himself to turn away.

There was a brouhaha on the stage as the older kids walked off.

  
  


“Oh look, there she comes !” Stiles' spark came back as he spotted his girl.

Stiles grabbed for his phone, Derek stopped him and took the device out of his hands.

"I'll record it, you enjoy the show,” he said simply and Stiles didn't fight it.

The teacher was leading a train of fairies, each one different from the next, little Lucy was in the middle of the line. She waved as she saw her dad there in the audience.

All the little kids, boys and girls all dressed as fairies, aligned in one straight line ready to dance, pompoms in hand. The teacher reached for the boombox and the music of Fairy Dancy Girl blasted loud in the room.

“I am, yes I am a fairy dancing girl ooh yeah ooh yeah” said the song and Derek wanted to congratulate the teacher on her bold choice. Most of the little boys in the class where getting a kick out of that performance. Heteronormativity be damned because boys and girls alike were shaking and shaking with all their might.

The choreography was a little out of sync and some kids were just not participating at all and had decided to just stand there and blankly stare at their parent in the audience. But Lucy was so focused shaking her pompoms, her ponytail bouncing to the rhythm of shakes to the ground and shakes up high in the sky.

Stiles' hand gripped Derek's knee tight. Derek just tried to focus on the phone screen in his hands. When he took a glance, he could see Stiles' lips trembling and his eyes shining.

“I made that tiny human,” Stiles breathed out, more to himself than anyone else.

Derek hoped the microphone on Stiles' phone recorded it because the awe and love in that declaration deserved to be saved for the years to come and Derek wanted Lucy to hear it when she would be grown up.

  
  


“Derek, what have you done ?” Stiles said turning to him when the song was over and the little kids were going back to their class to change. “She was the most wonderful fairy out there tonight.”

“That wasn't my doing.” Derek replied simply.

“Allison texted me that she completely failed at the costume and I shouldn't except anything, but here we are...” Stiles said shaking his head. “She looked perfect.”

“I have hidden talents.” Derek said, around the tightness in his throat.

“I bet.”

“But the little girl in the costume is all you.” Derek finished, a small smile tugging at his lips.

  
  


A loud chatter came from the hallway as all the kids were coming out of the classroom.

Lucy jumped in her daddy's arms, shouting “Daddy ! Daddy ! Did you see me ? Did you see ?”

“Yes you were amazing ! The truest fairy I've ever seen !” Stiles grinned.

“Did you see my wings ?!”

“I saw !” He looked at her with a face full of adoration, the one Derek could never see enough. “What a wonderful job you did !”

“Daddy... I'm hungry, my stomach is all unfurnished. Look at my belly !” She said pulling her dress all the way up to her head.

“Oh wow, yes, I see, this looks very empty. Knock knock, food are you in there ? Food, are you home ?" Stiles said knocking softly on her stomach earning a giggle in response. “Nobody's home. Better get some food in you.” he said in all seriousness.

Derek rubbed his neck nervously. “I'm sorry, I didn't think about dinner, obviously it's late I should've-”

“Dude, you had enough to think about with the whole surprise babysitting gig already. Let's go to Whittemore's Diner. The dude is a douche but the food is good. It's my treat.” Stiles said before adding dramatically, “Oh no, oh no, the eyebrows are trying to speak again, oh no ! Don't even try, Big Guy. You're coming.”

"Why do you keep wanting to feed me?"

"Because." Stiles just shrugged.

  
  


  
  


Whittemore's Diner was the kind of old-fashioned diner that seemed to be impossible to date for sure. Checkered tiles on the floor, and bright colored vinyl booths and chairs that didn't seem to have been replaced in years. The large tacky neon sign with the name -and an ostentatious number 37- glowed too brightly to be comfortable in the sunset light atmosphere. The tiny bell chimed as Stiles pushed the door and walked with intent to one of the booths in the corner of the room.

“Well well, if this isn't my nemesis.” the voice of a young man startled Derek. Derek turned to study his face and everything from the hair to the smirk on his lips told him that had to be the douche in question. Douche didn't even glance at him in return.

“You can't get rid of me, I love you too much Jackson.” Stiles said ironically.

“Screw you, Stilinski.” Jackson said blankly. “What can I get you ?”

  
  


Derek ordered the day's special not really bothering to look at the menu that was slipped in front of him on the table. Stiles just rolled his eyes at Jackson telling him blankly that he would be taking the spinach and bacon omelette and the baked cod with broccoli gratin for Lucy.

Apparently it was their usual. No need to question if an omelette was a dinner option because, of course, Stiles wouldn't bother with a societal convention as shortsighted as making an egg a brunch-only dish. The same went for Lucy's order because there was a perfectly viable kid's menu option advertised on the wall behind the counter. Nuggets and fries really weren't what Stiles was after. Derek could have been surprised but he started to get a good grasp on who Stiles was. He just nodded along as Stiles was finishing his order as if none of it was any news to him, as if all of this was a regular thing they did.

  
  


“Here is a chocolate milkshake for my favorite little lady, on the house !” Jackson said coming right back from the kitchen. Strangely enough, his eyes, face and overall douchery tuned down when he was talking and looking at Lucy. He only had a honest fondness for the little girl.

“Thank you, Jackson !” Lucy said joyfully.

“For dessert.” Stiles said pushing the glass a little out of reach as she was about to stretch her arm to grab it.

“For whenever you like.” Jackson said with a bright smile at Lucy, before adding under his breath on his way back to the counter “Choke on your food, Stilinski !”

“Oh, Jackson, are you going to spit in my food ? I know how much you've dreamed about making out with me, it would be like I was tasting you through my omelette. What a kink !” Stiles called out after Jackson, his hands closed tight over Lucy's ears.

“Daddy always does that when he wants to say bad words and I'm not allowed to hear,” Lucy explained to Derek matter-of-factly.

Derek stayed silent and observed the well practiced exchange wondering why on earth Stiles kept coming back to this place.

Jackson brought the food and the two men glowered at each other with an intensity verging on too much to actually be genuine until Jackson stepped back again to go welcome some new customers.

  
  


“Don't be alarmed, there's no need to go maim or kill anyone here” Stiles said reading Derek's face. “It's just Jackson. We were in high-school together and let's just say we didn't really click. He was in love with Lydia, but his absolute douchery didn't earn him any points. She was way too brilliant to let herself be fooled by Mister Pretty over there. But...” Stiles' hands were making the talking then. “It's a little bit of home, I guess. It's familiar. We all came to college here. Some went longer than others... I didn't last long, but Jackson was definitely the first one to quit. His dad bought him this diner and apparently he is thriving. Look at him with his little apron. If all the geeks he bullied when we were growing up could see him they would have a good laugh that's for sure.”

Derek hummed in agreement.

“Do you miss it ? College.” He asked, changing the subject he really didn't care much about that Jackson kid.

There was a silence then, Stiles fingers tracing patterns on the table top.

“Well... It was a lot to handle at the time. New city, new people, new expectations, new baby...” Stiles took in a deep breath and let it out slowly.

  
  


And just like that, the evening turned into night.

Lucy slurped on the creamy sauce of her broccoli gratin like it was the most delicious thing she had ever eaten, plunging her little fingers in to grab the small heads of broccoli one after the other.

Stiles was also surprisingly messy with his food. It shouldn't have been a surprise though. From that first coffee they had taken at the farmer's market a few months ago, Derek had known that things didn't go into Stiles' mouth with finesse. Even while eating small triangle sandwiches, there was always something, whether it'd be a too big mouthful or the way Stiles would bring a water bottle to his lips. On his birthday, he even tried to eat a handful of mini cupcakes all at once and nearly choked to death. He thought nobody was looking but Derek had seen it all. Always something. Stiles' mouth worked in a way that was both equally gross and charming. Derek had to force himself to blink a few times to make sure he wasn't openly staring.

He could see Stiles relaxing with each minute. It was good to see him sit back, the tension in his shoulders dissipating as he talked about trivial things. And also talked a little bit about his mom and how she used to make him omelettes whenever he felt sick.

"It's a good way to get the proteins in, she used to say that. That's the one thing I can't bring myself to cook. So I just come to the diner when I need a pick-me-up. It's a little ironic because it means _Jackson_ is the one serving me the omelette, and Jackson is as far from my mother as anyone could ever get." Stiles laughed before turning to Lucy. "My mom, though, I can see a little bit in this little girl's eyes. Her eyes were the same shade of brown and she had the same light in them too."

  
  


The window on the opposite side of Derek showed the twinkling of city lights glint down onto the pavement. Inside, it was like time had stopped, they were just sitting there talking. They talked, both of them, not just Stiles.

Derek found himself talking about leaving Beacon Hills after graduation. Nothing in him had wanted to go to college. He couldn't afford it anyway. His grades had sunk deep after the fire so a scholarship was out of question. He wasn't going to ask Boyd's parents to pay. And most of all he had never wanted to touch the insurance money.

He had just felt the urge to leave, leave and not look back. Trying to erase all the pitying looks from strangers, from classmates, like cutting a rotten limb. Hoping he could forget the hurt.  
He had never said these words out loud. Never felt like he could share them. It felt strange to give that piece of himself. Stiles felt right. He wasn't trying to push or contradict or even offer any sympathies. He just waited and seemed to understand, he probably could.

Lucy, although she seemed very focused on the cookie she had for dessert, wasn't missing a beat and was very excited to share the story of that one time she watched a documentary on Discovery Channel and a lizard had to cut off its tail to get away from the claws of a bird and also there was a coyote running after swans and the swans were big and heavy and couldn't fly fast but they were fast enough to get away from the coyote so all was good in the end.

“Ahh the germs in my stomach are all happy now because they have a lot to eat.” she said after finishing the last drop of her chocolate milkshake.

She started to fidget a little, it would have been a good time to leave but Stiles didn't budge.

Lucy found her way under the table and to Derek's side. She surreptitiously climbed onto him without a word, first putting her tiny butt right next to his leg then on his leg and without realizing it Derek was holding her and her head was against his collarbone.

  
  


“There's this phantom limb syndrome though. I'm pretty sure it works for the emotions and mind too. Did leaving everything behind work for you?” Stiles said absentmindedly, his hand rubbing the left side of his face

“No, not at first.” Derek murmured but Stiles wasn't really listening. He kept staring at the James Dean picture in a cheap plastic frame on the wall. Cal Trask in East of Eden, Derek noted. The epitome of the angsty teenage face, how fitting.

“Because if the mind is unable to let go, is there a point ? Maybe we can't really escape...” Stiles continued.

“I'd like to think we can,” Derek said and Stiles turned to look at him then.

“Yeah me too,” Stiles confided.

He looked beautiful -young, younger than Derek had seen him yet, vulnerability flowing out of his tired eyes. Sometimes, Stiles looked so young, so handsome, so many things Derek could barely breathe.

They remained silent a moment, before Stiles murmured, “We should go. She's asleep.” His eyes traveled to the small figure resting on Derek's chest.

Derek hadn't noticed, soaking in the warmth of the little body against his. Derek's heart felt lighter pressed under the weight of the little girl.

“She's an angel,” Derek whispered and Stiles snorted.

“Wait until you see her demonic side rebel against authority. She's good at that, my little anarchist.” Stiles said fondly. He took out his wallet and dropped a handful of bills on the table, not even bothering to ask for the check. “I'll take her” Stiles got up and came to Derek's side.

“No. I'll carry her home. Let's not wake her, she needs her rest.” Derek replied. The _and so do you_ his inside wanted to add stayed stuck on the tip of his tongue.

Derek struggled to get out of the booth, only budging an inch at the time, his body contorting trying not to disturb the sleeping child in his arms. His brow furrowed in concentration. It was the least graceful he had ever felt in his life. Stiles had a smug look on his face trying hard to contain his laughter.

“Shut up.” Derek said without heat.

  
  


They stepped out in the end of June air. Derek enjoyed the feeling of the soft chill, just warm enough to still be comfortable yet with a cool quality to it. Nowhere near the hot sweltering weather Derek grew up knowing. This wasn't California.

They walked quietly, Stiles keeping close, almost touching but not quite, hovering over Derek and Lucy's sleeping body in his arms. Stiles' hands kept twitching, opening and closing, yearning for something to hold and touch.

“I'm not going to drop her you know.” Derek said in a low voice as to not disturb the quietness around. Stiles didn't answer, but his hands tensed all the way to his fingertips before finally relaxing. He had no pockets, or Derek was sure of it, Stiles would have buried his hands deep in them.

“Home sweet home,” Stiles murmured as they arrived near the doorstep.

They stopped a moment, before Derek realized he had the keys in the back pocket of his jeans. They moved understanding each other without a word, as Stiles wrapped his arms around Lucy to free Derek. Stiles wavered slightly under the weight. Derek reached quickly for the keys and unlocked the door.

“Do you need me to-”

“No, I'll take it from here, thank you.” Stiles cut.

“Okay. Goodnight then.” Derek said, sliding the keys in Stiles' somewhat free right hand, Lucy's legs dangling from where they were resting on his forearm.

“Goodnight.” Stiles breathed.

  
  


Fingers tightened around Derek's. And then lips.

Stiles' lips on his.

Nothing registered. A blink and you'll miss it moment. Derek could believe he had dreamed it if not for Stiles' eyes as he stepped back.

Stiles' tongue darted out to lick his lower lip. That wasn't so out of the ordinary for Stiles, his tongue and lips seemed to have a fusional relationship where one couldn't go too long without meeting the other – that would drive Derek nuts sometimes - but his eyes, his eyes were a little wider than usual at that moment.

“Goodnight.” Stiles repeated. Same wide eyes, little crinkle on the forehead.

The door closed. Derek hadn't moved and hadn't even taken a breath.

Derek didn't know how long he stood there in front of a closed door. The lights from the upstairs bedroom windows had switched on and then off.

He had finally gotten back to his car and driven himself home. He didn't even remember how. It was all a blur. But then he was there on his very own couch in the very apartment he lived in.

What had just happened.

  
  


### *-*-*

  
  


“What's wrong, Derek ?” Erica asked.

“I'm not in the mood, Erica.” Derek answered scratching the back of his neck. He was not in the mood.

“I don't care about your mood, you should know that by now. We've known each other for about ten years...” She said sitting down next to him on the couch. Just a little too close.

“You're being generous, it hasn't been that long.”

“Yeah, well... what are a couple of years in a lifetime ? My point still stands, I love you.” Erica smiled a tight smile. Derek knew she wasn't lying. They had known each other ever since Boyd's USC years and it felt like a lifetime ago. She was as much a part of Derek's life as Boyd was now.

He was just not in the mood to be mothered, nor smothered.

“I'm fine.” Derek said crossing his arms over his chest. Erica rolled her eyes. She wasn't having any of that.

Really, Derek wished he lived alone sometimes. Boyd could go live with Erica in her fancy ass place and let him be, or Derek could move out. He wasn't particularly attached to this apartment. He'd be fine anywhere else.

He'd be as fine as he was now.

  
  


He wasn't exactly fine though. He hadn't been sleeping. He had messed up. He couldn't really understand what exactly, but he knew he had.

Stiles had sent him the video from Lucy's dance with a simple “thank you for everything”, Derek had replied with something about Lucy being full of sunshine and fairy dust. It was probably stupid. He had felt awkward.

He hadn't slept that night. He had kept reliving that one fateful moment.

He replayed it reacting differently every time but _reacting_.

Kissing back. Grabbing the back of Stiles' neck and keeping him there. Maybe not reacting at first, but knocking on the closed door until it opened and kissing Stiles. Breaking the fucking door down and pushing Stiles against a wall and kissing him then.

Anything.

Anything other than what he had done, or more explicitly _not_ done. Damned be the consequences. Damned be all it could possibly mean for their friendship because Derek knew deep down nothing could come out of it but at least he would have gone down on a high.

His heart had jumped when he had received Stiles' message with the video and every fiber of his body just wanted to text _I wanted to kiss you back_ but he hadn't found it in himself to send that. He send something about fairy dust because it was safe. Stiles would probably reply with a joke or something quirky like he usually did when they started their little text banter.

But it hadn't worked this time. Stiles hadn't answered anything. Hadn't answered at all.

It had been days... almost a week.

So no, Derek wasn't fine.

He hadn't said anything to anyone. He had barely had it in him to reply to Scott's message about Lucy's costume being dope and telling Derek that he would be mandated for everything costume related in Scott and Allison's future children's lives.

Derek's heart stung a little because that would never be happening.

He had messed up everything.

And he hadn't even kissed Stiles.

  
  


“I'm fine” Derek repeated when Boyd cleared his throat, standing in the doorway.

“I feel like we have taken a few steps back here. Are you back at the not talking-grunting stage ?” Boyd asked. “If I wanted to live with a stubborn 5 year old, I'd have a child, not a grown ass man on my couch. No scratch that, a 5 year old would have a coherent thinking process which you are clearly lacking.”

“Fuck you,” Derek said with a sigh. So what if he shut down when hurt ? It was a coping mechanism, Derek could be aware of his withdrawal flaws and still act them out.

“Easy now.” Boyd said, sitting down on the other side of Derek. Derek was then sandwiched between Erica and him... So yes, this deja vu was clearly a few steps back. He had been in that position too many times before. “Something bad happened, yeah ?”

“Yeah...” Derek breathed, reluctantly. “Not exactly... it's just an emotional phantom limb I guess.”

Boyd just stared at him as he pondered what the hell that could possibly mean.

“We're not close to any anniversary...” Boyd said softly, as if he didn't really dare say the words. The fire. Of course, Boyd would go there, Derek should have known.

Derek had stopped blaming himself for the deaths of his family. It was just an accident, a stupid accident. He had nothing to do with the faulty wiring of a too old house but well... survivor's remorse. He had been the only one not present that day. Selfish of him he had thought for many years. Why didn't he stay ? What was wrong with staying home with his parents and sisters ?

Death. That's what was wrong. Life or death in just one wrong cord and blackness. Blackness and ruins. Death and decay. For a long time, Derek had thought that was the place he really was if he let himself sink. Back there in the ruins and the ashes. Drowning in it.

For so long, Derek's mind had never left that house.

He couldn't let Boyd think he was back there, where all that was left of Derek was a collapsed shell and a broken heart within.

“It's not that” Derek said, forcing himself to open up to his friend. “I don't want to talk about it, but it's not that. It's not that dark. I'm going to be okay. It's something that I can manage.”

“Are you sure ?” Erica and Boyd said in unison.

“Yes, I _can_ manage.” he insisted and at that moment he had to believe it.

  
  


He had to make the effort to move on from all this. He had a life to get back to after all. The universe didn't revolve around a weird pack of friends and a sarcastic, smart and beautiful young man. At least, it didn't have to. Not if Derek could do something about it. Derek was going to be okay.

This didn't have to be a step back. It didn't.

  
  


He wondered still, what he should have done differently. He just laid awake for hours on end at night, because Stiles had gotten under his skin. That really made no sense in the grand scheme of things.

Derek sometimes tried to type a message, say something, anything in the hopes that maybe Stiles would answer like nothing had happened. He deleted each one, partly because it was always the middle of the night and partly because he didn't have the guts to press send. What the fuck had happened.

Derek stopped replying to Scott too. He did feel somehow back at square one.

Erase a few months of life, they were just a dumb mistake. If they were not a mistake, then they definitely were an illusion. Some shitty hallucination brought on by chemical spices and alien star dust.

Derek wished he could stop imagining how it would feel to kiss Stiles.

Why didn't he just kiss back when his lips had the chance, why didn't he just do it? He couldn't even remember any of it because he hadn't really lived it.

What if Derek's body had been the one moving and he hadn't realized. No... Derek had been still. His body wouldn't have betrayed him this way. Not that his body couldn't betray him. But Derek's body wouldn't have gone for this small non-kiss, his body would have used tongue.

 _Fuck_ , maybe Derek's crush had been so obvious that it had been a pity kiss. Stiles didn't want to kiss him. It should never had happened. 

Could his brain just stop circling back to that thought over and over? Could Derek just stop with all this nonsense at fucking 3 in the morning? 

Derek's lips wanted to taste Stiles.


	6. The Party

Derek took life one day at a time.

He still had his job to get to.

Malia was there, they had somewhat bonded over their daily routine. There was a certain fresh quality to her that wasn't often encountered. She didn't really know how to act, tried hard to fit in but only to some extent. Sometimes she would just look at him with a glance that conveyed something along the line of _ugh people_ and Derek could relate. Especially when it came to Finstock. Derek had an on-going scowl of _ugh Finstock_ while in the office. Malia adored it and would then beg for a competition of the best silly faces. She sometimes texted him a picture of her best glare while sitting at her desk in the cubicle next to his.

Derek feigned being annoyed.

  
  


Derek also had his Famous 15 show on Saturdays. Opening his e-mails and selecting the stories out of the growing number of submissions was the highlight of his week. How good it felt to connect with this. He couldn't really say connect with people, because there was very little of that, but ideas, thoughts, art...

He felt all of that, and a little bit of human contact in the messages from the authors and in the response from the followers on twitter.

  
  


His mom had signed him up for the public library book club when he was nine. They were a small group of kids, about 8 or 9 of them, Derek couldn't remember exactly. But he remembered that stupid Jimmy Renton kid was in the club too. Jimmy had been a couple of years younger than Derek and had decided that a not yet five year old Cora seemed to be a good candidate for his bullying. He kept pushing her around.

Derek had wanted to punch him hard on the nose to make him bleed. Nobody was allowed to make his little sister cry. But his mom forbade him to do it. That was utterly unfair, especially if Derek had to sit there on his Wednesday afternoons after school and look at that stupid smug face and not be able to do anything about it. But then, Mrs Perkins, the librarian, had appreciated Derek's general interest and allowed him to choose part of the selection they were going to read.

Derek had felt so empowered. He had found he could make Jimmy suffer with the books he chose for the club. Jimmy only liked fantasy. Derek chose stories to spite him, that's how the two third of the books to read had been everything but fantasy. Jimmy's face when he had seen the following read was Heidi had been priceless. Derek also discovered a love for words and stories of every kind in the process.

That love had never left him.

  
  


  
  


Derek finally mustered up the courage to go to Finstock's office one day and feel confident when he said that he wanted more.

He offered a portfolio of his writing and said he wanted a promotion, any kind of promotion. He said he knew they were launching a new magazine and he wanted to be in on it. In, in any sort of way. Just something that was not making coffee, sorting through the mail or filing paperwork, because that was just a waste of his talent and what he could bring to the company.

Derek did deserve nice things, he had to believe it.

Finstock looked stupidly void of any kind of brain activity for a moment before saying “Well, fuck, Hale ! You know what ? With the balls you just had to come in here, I might well consider it.”

It took Derek by surprise. He said thank you and goodbye and left the office a little lighter than any other given day until then.

  
  


  
  


He was just opening the cheap beer he had taken out of the fridge, when there was a loud knock on his apartment door. An intense indignation built up in Derek. Erica wasn't home and Boyd would be coming in late again. He just wanted to relax and enjoy his moment, drink his beer, watch a little bit of dumb TV.

Nobody ever knocked on his door, this wasn't a good sign. He'd count himself lucky if that was just the landlord. Better yet, he decided to not even bother answering, staying very still as to not make any noise.

A second later, there was another loud knock. Derek glared at the door, willing the person behind it to go away.

Knock knock. Crap.

  
  


“I know you're in here, Derek ! Your friend Boyd told me you'd be here !” the muffled voice said.

Scott.

Derek groaned and set his beer aside on the kitchen counter. He made his way across the room and opened the door. Boyd would have some explaining to do because since when were Boyd and Scott a thing ? Derek didn't even know how they knew about the other's existence and even worse how they had each other's contact information.

“Dude, what have you done ?” Scott said sharply. Derek couldn't quite grasp what was happening as the man in front of him just pushed him out of the way and barged in his apartment with a force Derek hadn't suspected.

“What ?” Derek muttered dully.

“To Stiles ! What have you done ?”

“Stiles ? I have no idea what you're talking about, Scott.”

“You'd better -”

“I don't know what you're talking about.” Derek cut him off, and turned around, his arms defensively tight around his chest.

“You broke him ! He's not right. He's not alright. And I don't know what to do, I don't know how to fix it. I need someone to fix it. To fix Stiles. I need to know what you did ! It has to be you, you must have done something ! Tell me !” Scott was angrily pleading.

Derek felt it deep in his bones, he had felt that emotion way too often while dealing with his grief. Scott was working through something but Derek had no idea what it could be. They hadn't seen or contacted each other in a couple of weeks. A lot could have happened.

“I haven't done anything.” Derek replied simply.

“Then what is going on ? We went to the observatory last weekend. And it was not right. Lucy kept talking about you and what you said the last time and what you did the last time. And he was so disconnected from it all. I don't know, man. It has to be you. It has to be because of you.” The agitation in Scott's eyes was getting more and more apparent by the minute.

“I don't know what to tell you.” Derek said, and that was the truth. His mind was blank. Stiles wasn't okay. Stiles wasn't okay and that thought alone was stirring up a strong anguish in Derek's gut.

“There has to be a reason he doesn't even want to say your name anymore..." Scott replied. And yeah, Derek's insides did an unpleasant flip. He had been a mistake in Stiles' life, it was now confirmed.

“I don't know Scott ! Maybe he's having a gay freak-out in the fucking observatory, what do I know ?” Derek snapped as all the strain of the days he had spent obsessing over this came rushing out of him.

“What ? That doesn't make any sense.” Scott was so taken aback, he actually took a physical step back.

“It doesn't make much sense to me either. He's the one who kissed me. I didn't even have the time to understand what was going on, it was already over.” Derek said, surprised the words were actually out of his mouth this time.

He didn't add that he had thought of about a million different ways he wished he would have reacted to that kiss, instead of just blankly staring. That was his personal Hell.

“No, Derek, the freak-out doesn't make sense. I mean, I can't say anything about his sexuality for sure but there's no reason he would have a gay freak-out over a simple kiss. We all kissed at some point. I mean, I love Allison and I'm mostly straight but I still made out with Isaac just last month... And before you add anything, no we were not drunk. It just happens sometimes.” Scott explained.

“You all kiss ?” Derek asked, confused, because every possible theory he had for the current state of affairs ended with the same conclusion which was that this stupid brush of lips had been the cause of everything.

“No, not a recurring thing. That's mostly me, Allison and Isaac. But Stiles, it happened in high-school. If he had to have a revelation freak-out at some point, it would have come from Isaac because have you seen that tall curly bastard ? That dude can kiss.” Scott said matter-of-factly.

“Maybe it's because he's not the unfaithful kind, and me being outside your weird pack kissing dynamic, it wouldn't sit right with Lydia.” Derek stiffened.

For all he wanted to kiss Stiles, he was not a homewrecker. He would have kept this little crush of his well hidden in the corners of his being, in a small locked box placed carefully under his lungs. The key of this box would have been swallowed deep, somewhere unknown behind fortified fences. He would never have let any of it out.

Stiles had been the one to open the box, he had been the one smashing it open with the utter chaos brought on by the power of his rosy lips. The box left bare, insides exposed, sentiments spilling out.

“Lydia ?... Dude...” Scott said, shaking his head, his brow furrowed. “Where have you seen Lydia ? I think you got it all wrong.”

“What ?”

“You misinterpreted everything. There's no Lydia. Not when it comes to Stiles anyway. They're not together. They haven't been _for years._ ” Scott continued with that genuine confused puppy look he had sometimes.

“But Lucy...”

“Lucy's almost 4 years old. And She has never seen her parents being a couple. It's just Stiles. You know what ? It's true he never mentions it. He doesn't want to rub it in, so we don't either. But Lydia is not here. He feels guilty about it enough as it is, about not providing Lucy with ideal parents. Parents being together forever. What we all wish we could have had as kids, really. He just wants to be the perfect father. And he is. After everything that happened with his mom...” Scott sighed loudly.

“Fuck.” is all Derek could find to answer. There was no Lydia. He had spent months imagining what Stiles himself had called the picture perfect life and that was not what was going on behind closed doors at all.

“I don't know how much you know, about Stiles' mom but it was bad. I can't let him feel that wrong again.” Scott continued. “Her dementia got really bad. She completely lost her grasp on reality the last year, and one day she had erased her son. I could see how much he hurt. How long it took him to be okay again. I couldn't do anything to help. I'm not sure he ever recovered..."

“Shit, Scott...” Derek breathed.

Stiles had never gone into the details about his mom. Derek had never pushed, he himself had never gone into details about the fire and the smoke and how long Talia had been in a medically induced coma before the doctors had said there was no saving her.

These things were felt but not told.

Derek had felt the hurt still lingering in Stiles, he didn't have to look for it, it had been right there for him to pick out, a fragile bruised flower growing out of a crack in his ribcage. The words had never been needed.

"And with Lydia, it was safe." Scott shrugged. "They had been friends for so long. They were not in love with each other but they loved each other. And you know, teenage hormones. There was nothing wrong with that. Maybe it could have worked out, I don't know. It's just when she told him she was pregnant at eighteen, he couldn't do anything else. He couldn't erase his child and move on. We all had to support him. Lydia, she loved him enough to understand that, to not take that away from him. But she had other plans for herself, she didn't want to settle down and Stiles loved her enough to let her have what she wanted too. It was complicated, I don't think it's something most people really understand. I'm not sure I understood. She's Lucy's mom, but she's not a parent if that makes sense. It's mostly just Stiles, apart from a few visits a year and some phone calls. It's just Stiles. But I don't know, it works... We were doing fine !”

“Scott..."

“It worked until now. Derek I think you broke something. It has to be you... It worked before...” Scott pleaded.

Derek shook his head slowly. "I don't know what I did, but with all you're saying, this can't be just about me, or about a kiss he didn't intend to give."

“But if it's not you, then there's no way to fix it..." Scot frowned. "I just thought you had said something really offensive and I was going to beat you up...”

“That was your fix ?” Derek scoffed, pointedly raising an eyebrow.

“Couldn't hurt.”

“Do you honestly think you can beat me up, and not get hurt ?” Derek said. Scott snorted in response. “I wish I could tell you something. But, I don't know, I just wanted to be his friend and clearly I haven't done a very good job at it.”

“So he kissed you.” Scott concluded in a murmur.

Derek looked down at his hands. “I don't even know anymore.”

  
  


It all quieted down after that. Scott left without much more talk. It was just as well because Derek didn't have any more words to offer.

Finally alone, he slumped down on the couch. The heels of his feet pressed hard on the floor, trying to ground him physically, if not mentally. His relaxing celebratory beer forgotten on the kitchen counter. His lighthearted mood too.

He wasn't certain of much of anything at the moment.

A part of him wanted to make sure Stiles was okay, to know what the hell had been going on for the past couple of weeks.

Another part, the hurt part, just wanted to forget everything. Everything Scott had said, everything his heart had felt, had ever felt for Stiles.

That didn't seem like a viable option though.

His heart had made a little bedroom for him there, in his chest a small space just for Stiles. It had been built with extreme care in parts with bones and Stiles' smiles.

Nobody would ever sleep in there but the space would exist nonetheless, for Derek to keep.

  
  


  
  


Derek couldn't tell how long he had been sitting on the couch but he vaguely registered that the light of the day had darkened into night. The noise from the city had excitedly burst into life under the street lights. Boyd came home eventually.

“ _Shit_ !” Boyd startled as he saw Derek's silhouette on the couch and turned the lights on. “ _Not again..._ ” he muttered.

“Since when do you know Scott McCall ?” Derek asked, eyes staring straight at the black TV screen in front of him.

"So he came.” Boyd said. “A little while, he's a nice kid.” He added as Derek turned to him with a glare.

“Are you keeping tabs on me?” Derek tried hard to stay neutral. He failed miserably if Boyd's wince was anything to go by. “I told you I could manage.”

“You can manage shit, Derek. You're miserable!” Boyd countered.

“I was doing fine.” Derek bit out. The scream stuck inside his throat tightening, suffocating. His body fighting the tremor.

He closed his fits hard, his nails biting into the skin of his palms, breaking, breaking the bottle of beer he didn't have in his hand anymore, visualizing the beer dripping down his forearm, the shards of glass stabbing his palms, cutting his skin, making him bleed.

Blood pouring out, the bad crawling out, hopefully leaving the good in. Life flowing.

He swallowed the lump in his throat, like maybe he could digest the scream, use the nutrients and make the rest disappear.

“Could you please stop being deliberately obtuse?” Boyd said. “You know yourself better than that, and I do too, Derek.”

“Could you just drop it ? Please.” Derek added the _please_ because apparently it was that kind of conversation. The kind equally condescending and pleading, the kind Derek hated, the kind of conversation Derek never won. “Could you stop talking to Scott McCall ? Could you just leave me be ?”

“No.” Boyd said, quietly. “Because the kid is miserable too, he's worried sick about his friend. And I can relate, Derek, you're my brother and I love you but you suck sometimes. I don't know much, but I know enough to be sure that if you were left to your own devices, it would stink for everyone involved.”

Derek snorted, no humor behind it. “What kind of magic trick do you have up your sleeves, Boyd ? There's no fixing this..”

“What do you know about that ?”

“I just know.” Derek breathed out. “He doesn't want me. Not in that way. Not in any way. Or he would have me. In each possible way.”

“Derek...”

“Could you just drop it ?” Derek repeated.

“Okay.” Boyd said, swallowing hard like he had more to say. “But I need you to do something for me. That little girl, Lucy” Derek's eye shot up at the name. “Yeah, you like her -maybe more than like ?- She has her birthday coming up. There's going to be a party on Sunday. It means you have about a week to get your shit together. You're going.”

“I can't go. I'm not invited.”

“How do you think I know about the party, Derek ?” Boyd rolled his eyes the same way he usually did when Derek was being particularly dense. “Scott texted me about it an hour ago. I'm pretty sure that's because he wants you to go.”

“Stiles doesn't want me there.”

“You can't know that. And... that little girl wants you there and that counts for something, doesn't it ?”

Derek sighed.

It didn't come as a surprise that he hadn't won the argument. Boyd knew him too well, he could creep into the tiny cracks of Derek's barricade and find the warmth in there. Derek knew that warmth was in there somewhere, but sometimes he couldn't remember where he had put it, Boyd wouldn't let him forget completely.

It was still in there, that warmth. Not the hot anger bubbling at the surface, not the cold hurt roiling deep but the comfortable warmth. That one feeling able to fight off the wrong, the little bit of sun overflowing the shadows without a hint of battle. Easy.

  
  


A week.

  
  


Five days to be more precise.

Derek went to work the next day. He joked with Malia. This girl cracked him up, he had never enjoyed his job more than since they had kindled their workplace camaraderie.

He hoped she would decide to stay at the end of her internship. He hoped Finstock would give her a job, preferably one where she worked along side Derek.

  
  


Four days. Take the day, rinse and then repeat until it's the weekend.

He went to the radio station on Saturday, he had his late night coffee with Braeden and it felt nice because things were starting to be less awkward between them. Maybe they could be friends. She had found another free love to warm her bed. She seemed good, looking at Derek with bright eyes. No lust. It was comfortable.

  
  


And then it was Sunday.

The early morning sunlight was filtering through the curtains. Derek wasn't quite fully awake. Just hovering between sleep and wakefulness, somewhere his mind went a little numb with the vulnerable softness of dreams. Somewhere hidden in there was a cherished memory of home, of love, of goodness. A goodness which wasn't exactly a memory, still there, still gushing with life in Derek's core.

Then as he opened his eyes to the golden light came a peaceful resolution, this day wasn't about Derek, not about Derek at all.

There was a little girl turning four years old and this was a reason to celebrate in itself.

  
  
  


  
  


“Thank you for coming” Stiles said, face and tone completely neutral.

It was so far from what Derek had come to know as Stiles who was layers on layers, everything but neutral. Emotional, smart, quirky with a natural heightened energy which was so communicative, but never neutral. He felt so distant it physically hurt in Derek's chest.

“Thank you for having me” Derek forced himself to say as his eyes beelined for Lucy, who was proudly wearing her fairy wings.

He stepped in, aside from Stiles. He wasn't here for this. He was only here to give Lucy her present. He didn't want to make a scene, he just wanted to sit somewhere and be forgotten until it was an acceptable time to leave without looking like a complete jerk.

Lucy hadn't invited any school friends. Probably because it was summer and school had been over for a few weeks. She wasn't at the age yet.

He couldn't remember when Cora had started bringing friends home for parties. He had always been able to invite Boyd even when it was her birthday and the same went for Laura who had always invited a couple of girls, so each age group had something to do.

Derek had somehow expected a full house but this party was nothing like he thought it would be. Lucy was just talking with Liam and Allison sitting on the living room floor. She was excitedly describing the big crab from Moana, how he scared her a little at first because she didn't want him to eat Moana. Nobody should eat Moana. But then she had liked him because he was big and shiny and dancing and there was a scene at the very end of the end credits on her DVD and the crab is stuck on his back with his claws in the air and that scene was so funny. Can you imagine a crab with claws in the air ?? Allison and Liam were playing along smiling like all of this was such a big discovery and they couldn't imagine a crab like that.

Lucy looked at Derek walking in, her eyes widened, her smile too. Derek was glad he came.

“Derek ! Derek !” she said jumping up and running towards him. “Derek ! Do you know which costume I would like next time ? Maybe for Halloween I could be a crab ? Don't you think it would be funny ? Could we make one ? How could we make the claws ? Because look ! My hands are not crabby like, I have too many fingers ! I have one two three four five six seven eight nine ten fingers. That's way too many for a crab ! If we use cardboard and paint and glitter to make it all shiny like Tamatoa, it would be so funny !” She was talking a mile a minute and hands gesturing even faster. She looked so much like her dad, it hurt a little bit.

  
  


Derek had her in his arms without even registering he was picking her up. He murmured sweet nothings in her ear to make her calm down. He wanted to tell her they would build the most amazing crab costume for her, that she would definitely win the costume contest because it would be the shiniest crab to ever set a claw in town. He wanted so much to believe it. He couldn't promise it, he couldn't say these words. Maybe he would build the crab himself and deliver it on their front step and not say a word about it.

“Happy Birthday” he said softly when she had quieted down just enough to look at him straight in the eyes.

“It's my birthday and I'm having a party ! Do you like cake ? Daddy and I baked a cake. I did almost all the stirring and I put the organic flour and the organic eggs and the organic cane sugar in it. I'm sure it's going to be delicious because I put a lot of love into it, _organic love_ , Derek, that's the best kind, very good for your health !"

“Sounds perfect.” Derek said. She rubbed her face against his cheek. It was her way of kissing, he knew that. Stiles did it to her, she did it to him. Derek had been on the receiving end of this a few times, yet Derek's heart did a weird whoosh as it had the other times, like it wasn't something he could get used to.

  
  


Derek caught Stiles watching from the side as he was dropping her to the ground. Derek didn't want to feel uneasy, he had been invited. But things were uncomfortable still.

“Derek, my man ! I'm glad you decided to come.” Scott said walking out of the kitchen then, his tone was a little too cheerful but it was a good distraction. Derek accepted the half hug from the younger man. Isaac was out the kitchen too and putting a hand on Derek's shoulder as well. It felt nice.

“How are you ? It's been a while.” Isaac said.

“I'm good,” Derek replied, and by the slight tilt of Isaac's head, Derek knew he hadn't been fooled one bit.

“Good,” Isaac conceded with a tight smile. “If you ever need anything, don't be a stranger, okay ?”

“Even if you don't _need_ anything.” Scott corrected, his eyes so full of intent Derek could only nod in answer.

  
  


They sang the out of tune song. Candles were blown. Derek sat, stirred the coffee, forked up the cake. Lucy licked her sticky fingers.

  
  


Allison turned the music on, and Lucy shouted excitedly. She went to grab Stiles' hand and pulled him to the middle of the room, putting her small feet on his. He swayed a little, a tender smile tugging at his lips.

Lucy laughed. It was that forced laugh kids usually do when they're excitedly happy and they know laughing will just spread the joy all around. She dropped her head back, leaving all her weight for Stiles to carry at arms length. Her delight spilling everywhere, promoting reasons for living.

  
  


Derek went to the kitchen to get himself a glass of water. It came naturally. He knew the house, he knew the living room and the kitchen and he hadn't thought anything of it.

He had gone to get a glass of water the last time he was here when he had been alone with Lucy. He had looked through the cupboards and found the one with the glasses in it and he knew where everything was.

He only realized he was doing it when he felt someone behind him.

“Sorry” he said turning to Stiles. “I guess I should have just asked.”

“It's fine,” Stiles said swallowing visibly.

Derek was uncomfortable. “I'm not going to stay long. Don't worry.”

“Can we talk ?”

“Talk ?” Derek squinted his eyes.

“Yeah... I've been ignoring you.”

Derek scoffed. “I noticed.”

“Can I explain ?”

“I'm not sure it's necessary. I got the message loud and clear.” Derek really didn't want to have this conversation. Not here, not now. Maybe he would one night when he would have had a little too much to drink and build his self-loathing enough to want to listen to someone tell him about every wrong he has ever done. But not today.

Derek was on his way out of the kitchen but Stiles' arm stopped him, blocking the doorway.

“Derek, I need to fucking explain. Okay ? Please.” A shudder jolted through Stiles' whole body. Derek saw it and felt it. It came lodge itself at the nape of his neck.

Derek nodded.

God, he didn't want to do this now.

  
  


  
  


Stiles' bedroom door closed behind them quietly. Stiles turned to Derek his arms wrapped tightly around his chest, his back leaning against the closed door.

Suddenly Derek couldn't breathe.

Stiles was looking everywhere but at him. What was so interesting in this room that he had to examine it with so much dedication? It was his fucking bedroom, it's not like Stiles had never seen it before.

  
  


“Are you going to talk ? You want to explain yourself, then fucking explain !” Derek all but snapped. Stiles frowned but didn't say a word. Derek exhaled loudly. “It was all a lie."

"What ?" Stiles' head jerked up.

"You lied. About Lydia. You let me believe-"

"Yeah..." Stiles admitted, palming the back of his neck nervously.

"I just know that I've been trying for months to – to _not_. I haven't made _any move_ on you, have I ?” Derek was angry, but still looked away a split second because shit he wasn't even sure he was telling the truth just then. “And then suddenly, you're kissing me and then you shut me out completely."

"I know."

"Honestly, today, I'm only here for Lucy, because that little girl out there has been talking about her party ever since I've known her so I'm not going to be the one to disappoint her by not showing up. But Hell, this is awkward.”

“Derek, listen.” Stiles said, his jaw tight, the force behind the words not quite there.

Derek braced himself for a break up that wasn't even one since there really wasn't much material for breaking here.

“It's not you... Shit, that sounded a lot crappier than I intended... Shit... I can't remember how I wanted to say it...” Stiles rubbed his hand on his face as if he was trying to wipe off his malaise. “Scott told me you thought it was a gay freak-out. It's not. I can't let you think it's just some homophobic reaction.”

“Why do you even care what I think ?”

“So yeah, I'm not officially out.” Stiles went on as if he hadn't even heard Derek. “Not that it matters, they all know. Even my dad. I never said it but they know. Fuck, even Mrs Waldman knows. She called you my boyfriend ! She came to me in the hallway to congratulate me on what a wonderful job my boyfriend did. She said it like it was the most natural thing. In front of people, kids and parents in the hallway, people I know ! And it's not like I blanked out when she said it,” Stiles shook his head slowly, a self-deprecating smile on his lips. “No, I knew exactly who she was talking about because I knew Lucy told her that you made the costume. And you know what ? I didn't correct her. I didn't ! She basically outed me in front of everyone and I didn't have a gay freak-out, okay ? It's not that. It's just...” He exhaled loudly. “me. I have my job, there's so much shit there right now. I don't know what I'm doing. I have Lucy. She's my priority. It's all on me. All of her life is on me. All of it. And I'm messing it up. I'm messing her up.” He scrunched up his face a second before continuing. “Lydia is never there, that was expected, I knew it would be like that going in. I just. I didn't know how hard it would be. How I would not have any fucking time. I don't even have time to sleep.” his voice trembled.

Derek didn't know what to do, if he should say something or not. He stayed silent.

“I can't handle anything more. I can't have anyone ask anything of me. It's always all on me. I need to do all of it. I don't know. How I handle life, how I manage, I don't know how I'm doing it, but I am doing it. I don't know how I'm even telling you this, but I am. But I can't... I can't add anything. Shit, I don't even know if you want anything, Derek ! But whatever it might be, I can't. I'm sorry, I can't even be friends with you, because being friends will bring something more. I can't. I can't go for something casual. But I- I cannot commit. Derek. I just-”

Derek took a step, putting both hands on Stiles' shoulders to ground him. “Breathe” he said, and Stiles took in a shaky breath. “It's alright, Stiles. Just breathe.”

“Derek, I have nothing to give. I just want you to understand.”

“It's alright.” Derek brushed Stiles's cheek where a small teardrop was slowly menacing the fall. Derek's gaze darted to Stiles's trembling lips. He inhaled sharply. _Tell people when you need something_ is what Erica had said one time. Tell people instead of keeping everything bottled up inside. Why don't you ever say the words Derek. Tell people what you want. Don't shut down, just talk.

But Derek couldn't do that to Stiles, when the man in front of him was on the verge of a panic attack because he couldn't even bear the thought of someone asking him for anything. Stiles' need had to come first here. Stiles was all that mattered.

“It's alright.” Derek said again. He wanted so badly to stop his words right there, stop at that, just say it's alright, say he understood, just say what Stiles needed him to say. “Can I kiss you ?” was what came out.

Derek wished he could swallow the words back down but they were out and free. Stiles let out a small whimper in response. Derek shook his head, “Don't worry, I'm going to leave if that's what you need, because I understand, at least I'm trying to. It's okay. Just.. I need one more, one more kiss to remember how you feel.”

One kiss so that Derek could know he had finally kissed Stiles back, so that Derek could maybe finally breathe again.

Stiles nodded ever so slightly that if Derek's eyes hadn't been solely focused on him, he might have missed it. Derek took a second. Taking the time to remember the painstaking anticipation was just as important.

He closed the gap between them, slowly, gently glossing his parted lips over Stiles' own. He wanted to memorize the taste and feel of Stiles' mouth opening under his own, incredibly aware of every touch and the response Stiles was giving to every brush of his tongue delicately licking his lower lip. The kiss was slow, a sweetness Derek had never encountered before, he intended to tuck it away safely in his memory.

  
  


“Fuck, Derek...” Stiles exhaled, eyes shut tight. Derek didn't move away, breathing Stiles in. “I might need more than just one.”

Their eyes met then, and if this was it, Derek wanted to lose himself in this moment. This moment could be enough, had to be.

“Anything you want.”

Stiles put both his hands on Derek's cheeks and this time he was to one to meet his lips. It wasn't as graceful as what Derek had tried to do, not as sweet. He slotted their mouths together and barely left Derek time to come up for air. Fiercely, Stiles kissed with his whole body, hips moving in the same rhythm as his tongue in Derek's mouth.

Derek had been craving this and _fuck_ , it felt like Stiles had too.

Firm hands gripping Stiles's hips, bringing their bodies together. Stiles's head fell back into a moan, Derek took that opportunity to dip down to taste the crook of his neck, stubble rubbing against his collarbone. Stiles' hips stuttered. Derek's lips brought him up to Stiles's jawline, a constellation of kisses following a secret route to his mouth. Sensual lips meeting his once again, letting him slip in deeper. Stiles's teeth scraping just enough, never too much. His body responding to Derek's in just the right way. Hands in his hair, hands moving down his back, clutching in any and every way possible, sliding under his shirt, brushing skin.

How lucky to have had something that made this goodbye so hard.

“It's okay. It's okay, it's okay not to be ready. I understand.” The words fought their way up his tightening throat, soon he would be out of words, out of breath. “Be okay, Stiles.” Derek managed to say before laying one last kiss on Stiles' forehead.

It was more of a prayer than a command. Derek's eyes closed, he didn't want to meet Stiles' gaze. He didn't want to see him at all. He didn't want to know what was to be read in Stiles' eyes. Derek's own eyes were burning and he wouldn't let Stiles see that either.

Maybe if Derek kept saying that it was okay, maybe it would be.

Derek couldn't fix Stiles. A blurt of painful awareness crashing through him. Derek couldn't carry Stiles. He had too often felt like he could barely carry himself. Derek couldn't do much of anything. Being okay wasn't something that could be forced on someone. Derek knew that all too well. The only thing he could do was to not put the burden of his desires on Stiles.

His desires were his own, as were his demons.


	7. A Whisper

Derek climbed into his camaro, and drove through heavy city lights and dark roads. Shadows set free in the wistful dusk. Silvery sprinkles poured into the sky. He drove for hours, only stopping for gas. Hours, across space, across time. Hometown lights. The old family Hale house overgrown by grass, nature reclaiming its ground. Flowers on rotten wood. Memories sleeping in the walls under flakes of dust. Stagnant, yet alive with echoes of what had been. Somewhere within, merged with misery, the image of soft laughter.

Beacon Hills.

The family stone in the graveyard tall and stern. One single date. Derek's mind clouded by the aching taste of ashes and loss. There had been so much loss. Still, his tender heart beating, raw breath catching, strong feeling, the possibility of impending disaster. Breaking. The only piece that didn't fit. Being put together again through jagged edges. Somehow old and then again, new.

He knelt on to the ground.

A stumbling apology blooming like a wild flower dancing in the wind. He had almost let the world make him hard, he had almost let the pain make him hate. But hope remained. Hidden deep, whisper quiet. How many times had his eyes blinked since he had considered himself alive. How many breaths had his lungs taken since he had truly felt anything.

Derek had barely handled the whole thing, the last wish of happy birthday to Lucy, the goodbyes to the assembly of expectant gazes. Scott's narrowed eyes, understanding. Derek didn't want to think about how he had looked as he had stepped back into the living room. He must have looked wrecked. Lips probably swollen. They had felt that way then, tingling still now. He had subconsciously heard Scott's footsteps trying to follow him, but Derek had been out the door as fast as he had managed, back into his car.

The key turning its trick in the ignition. The burn of rubber on asphalt. Letting himself be swallowed by the feeling of the car. Familiar. Homeward. Breathing. A fist still beating behind the bars of his rib cage. Beating louder than it had.

The melodies of childhood mornings chimed through the branches, through the cobwebs on the leaves, leading Derek back, back down and up the hills. So much dust twirling. Such a long journey. Remembrance through these burned and broken beams. Belonging.

“Hello, it's me.” He said to no one. To everyone. Back here where everything had slipped from light to darkness. So much darkness it had almost consumed him whole.

But no more.

He was not lost.

He was alive.

*-*-*

The sun had risen high and then low again in the sky before Derek's mind came back to something similar to reality. Someone had tried to call sometime during the night. Derek had felt the buzz against his side, he hadn't answered, he had been driving. One track mind down to the very fiber of his bones, no in-between. Driving instead of crumbling.

He dug through the pocket of his jacket to find his phone.

Monday 7PM.

  * Vernon Boyd : 7 missed calls



  * Erica Reyes : 2 text messages



> _Where are you, Der ?_
> 
> _We're worried. Love you_

  * Scott McCall : 4 text messages



> _Dude, I'm here for you_
> 
> _I'll take care of him. I'll take care of them._
> 
> _Don't worry_
> 
> _Don't worry_

  * Isaac Lahey : 1 text message 



> _I feel like I should say something witty. How about we catch a movie sometime instead ?_  
>    
> 

  * Malia Tate : 2 text messages



> _I'm covering for you with Finstock, but you better get your ass back here soon._
> 
> _I am dying ! Miss your stupid face !_

Derek sighed, a mix of melancholy and overflowing calm. Somewhere along the lines, loneliness had lost some ground. He wasn't an island, he had people.

He called Boyd first, telling him he'll be coming back, coming home. He was. He was back at the car already.

He thought a minute about stopping into town, maybe going to say hello to Boyd's parents. They always said they missed seeing him, they regretted his absence during the holidays when Boyd came back, often bringing Erica with him, and Derek stayed wherever. Maybe, maybe this year, Derek would be back for Thanksgiving. Maybe the thought alone wouldn't have to feel like an arrow through his heart anymore.

Not today though. He'll be checking into a cheap motel for the night. Today was for him alone. For him, and for that hole in his chest which wasn't as empty anymore.

*-*-*

“I'm okay” was all he said when he finally got back. Boyd and Erica were on him the second his foot had passed the threshold.

“Fuck, Derek, never do that to us again, or I'll kill you !” Erica said. Derek closed his eyes a second to take the loving threat in.

Boyd grabbed the back of Derek's neck and looked him right in the eyes and gave him a curt nod. Derek didn't have to say anything more, Boyd knew he wasn't lying saying he was okay. Derek was glad his friend didn't ask for an explanation or reasoning. He wasn't sure he had any to offer. Something in him had finally come into place. He had no idea what it was or how it happened but it did.

A hope so sharp it clawed at the pain and tore it apart.

The little room Derek's soul had built for Stiles in his chest was still there, and Stiles wasn't in it. But it wasn't screaming. A humming of something was in there. Like a lullaby.

*-*-*

He came back to work on Wednesday. He was exhausted, he wasn't thrilled about Finstock but the smile on Malia's face and the hug she gave him made it a little better.

“Derek ! I hope you like me.” she sing-songed. Derek frowned. He liked her, sure, but he wasn't going to say that. It wasn't something Derek said to anyone. “I hope you like me, because you're going to have to deal with me for an indeterminate period of time.”

“Finstock hired you ?” Derek asked, eyebrows shooting upwards.

“Better ! He hired us !” She said a mischievous twitch in her eye. “Potato Whispers Mag coming soon in a kiosk near you !” She added in fake advertising voice.

“Are you serious ? Potato Whispers ? That's what they're going with ? »

“Yup, the creative team sucks ass right now ! But that's not the point. The point is you should leave more often because Finstock looked for you _everywhere_. Two days away and he was about to lose his mind !” She said with a smile and an exaggerated roll of her eyes.

“He wasn't the only one if I remember correctly.” Derek teased. “I have a text message from you saying explicitly that you miss _my stupid face_...”

“Shut up ! I did ! This place is so bleak without you.” She swatted his shoulder playfully. “So yeah! Finstock is waiting for you in his office.”

Derek huffed, he could barely register what was happening.

He honestly thought he would get in trouble about ditching his job for two days. He hadn't called in sick, he hadn't called at all. He just disappeared for a while and apparently was coming back to a promotion. This was insane.

Derek's life had never worked out without, well, work. A great deal of hard work. Failing came more easily, failing was to be expected. But there was a success.

Finstock was at his desk, pretending to be busy, when Derek walked in. He had a cup from the coffee shop around the corner, several of these same empty takeaway coffee cups in the trashcan next to the desk. Nobody had bothered making coffee in Derek's absence.

He really hoped he wasn't moved to Potato Whispers – Jesus Christ what kind of a name was that – to make the coffee in the morning.

Derek surprised himself because these were the exact words coming out of his mouth then. Not the apology for his absence he thought he ought to give, not even a hello.

Finstock laughed a greasy laugh. “You'll never change, Hale !” he said.

Derek tilted his head slightly, because when had Finstock ever known him ? He refrained from commenting. He thought it best to just stay quiet, as Finstock tended to have a bit of an ego.

It turned out that Derek had been added to the creative team for Potato Whispers, this wasn't a joke. It was really happening.

Finstock explained that the turning point hadn't been Derek's portfolio, not even the call he got from that other company wanting to check Derek's references but the fact that he had been insomniac on Saturday night after a fight with his wife and had discovered Famous 15 on the radio.

"I recognized your voice instantly !" Finstock said.

Derek was doubtful about that, they had barely exchanged words in the couple years Derek had been working for him. Never actually had a real conversation of any kind until the day he had asked for the promotion.

“You sound good, kid” his boss finished, with an exaggerated nod. “You know what I want from you ? A podcast. The Potato Whisper Podcast. I wasn't planning on it, but you were an epiphany moment. I was almost butt-naked, only in my boxers, standing in my kitchen and I could see it clearly. ”

“A podcast ?” Derek asked. He really didn't want to imagine Finstock half naked in the glow of his fridge light. His brain cells would never recover from such a disturbing mental image.

“Yes, the clicks are going to skyrocket and you will be my star. Your voice, your pretty face and your thoughts on the creative process, snippets of the writings you and the team will be selecting to publish, interviews with the authors. All that jazz.”

That was definitely something Derek could get behind. He would have to say his farewell to the pink blob of rubber living on the desk of his cubicle. That thing would be somewhat missed, the token of a time passed.

Malia was coming with him as the assistant to the team and he smiled to himself knowing full well she would eat any of the other guys alive if they ever dared order her around.

There was a little sting in his chest then, as he reached for his phone as soon as he was out of Finstock's office, and he realized the one person he was about to text didn't want him in his life anymore.

Derek hid his sting, burrowed it down deep.

*-*-*

When Saturday rolled around, the atmosphere in the apartment had shifted. Boyd seemed to breathe a lot better, and relax around Derek, like maybe he had thought Derek had been too breakable before, he couldn't truly be himself. The truth was that Derek had never needed help being breakable. He could have broken all on his own, so there really had been no need to stress so much. Derek wouldn't twist the knife, he was going to let his friend enjoy the newly found peace.

They spent the day going over the new contract Derek had to sign. Boyd was a great help with this thanks to all his years studying at USC. Derek had to admit that he wasn't really a legal guy so his first instinct would have been to sign and ask questions later or not even ask any questions.

Boyd wouldn't let that happen, so they spent the day reading all the fine prints. Boyd had put his large reading glasses on, the ones that made him look like a real hipster, he gladly accepted all the teasing from Derek.

It felt good.

Derek went to the radio station a little earlier than usual. He needed to give his notice. With everything going on with the the magazine launching, he wouldn't be able to continue Famous 15. He didn't want to keep it going longer than he should and half-ass it just to make do. Famous 15 had been a real staple in his life and he wanted to leave it as good as it had become.

He would finish the summer and the last couple of shows and come September, it would be the start of a new life.

Braeden was in the common room. She smiled softly seeing him walk in.

“So you're leaving us ?” she asked, leaning against the backrest of the falsely luxurious couch, all casual and relaxed, like she owned the place.

He answered with a tight smile. “Seems like it, yeah.”

“I'm going to miss you, Derek. Not seeing you every week. You'll have to answer my texts sometimes, and not block me on social media, okay ?”

“Yeah...” He replied fondly as she stood up and came closer.

“Hey !” she frowned. “Is there something wrong ?” Derek frowned too then. “What's that new glint in your eyes ? I can't say pain because you always had plenty of that. But there's something else.”

“What are you talking about ?” Derek huffed.

She came a little closer, squinting as she examined his face. “Did someone go and break your heart while I wasn't looking ?”

Derek crossed his arms over his chest defensively. “Do you mean someone other than you ?”

“Nah...” She softened. “We were never like that you and I.”

“No we weren't.”

“So ? There's someone ?” Braeden looked earnestly at him.

“Maybe. Someones.” Derek breathed out, not really sure why he was still talking. “They were two.”

“Hmm” She wiggled her eyebrows.

Derek rolled his eyes slowly to really show how much they roll. “Not like that, one of them is a kid.”

“Oh I see, a single parent.”

“Yeah. According to my friend Boyd, it's the expression of my DILF kink.”

She chuckled quietly. “Hey who am I to judge, whatever floats your boat. But what happened then, heartbreak ?”

“Not exactly. Yes. No...” Derek stopped and scratched the back of his neck. “I think he wanted it too. It's just, it wasn't the right time, or maybe just my dumb bad luck. I probably wouldn't have been enough anyway.”

“Oh come on now, enough with the self-deprecating bull-crap Derek !” She exclaimed. “That guy is stupid if his reasoning for letting you go is that you're not good enough. You are more than enough Derek. If I ever was going to be in a stereotypical relationship, it would have been with you, you'll just find someone else who sees that and wants it with you.”

“No, not someone else.” He mumbled, looking down a moment. “I can't do that, not like you can find hundreds of someone elses. No, he just is.”

“Is what ? The one ?” She asked a crinkle of slight disbelief on her forehead and Derek just stared, an almost imperceptible shake of his head no.

No, he was not the one, or no, Derek wasn't going to discuss this with her, or no just no, no _no_ Derek could not be thinking about this. Derek wasn't sure but his head shook no, it was faint but it was instinctual.

“What Derek ? It's not because I choose to not do it myself, because I don't want the feelings and the bother, that I'm not able to tell you that when you find the one, you just don't let him go ! Hollywood makes billions on movies about love and miscommunication. You don't want to cause drama, okay, I get it, I know you a little bit. I know you enough to know that you are not always very clear with what you want. But what good would it do you, to just stand there and wonder what could have been ? You go to your someone and you say “I want you, I want to be there for you, let me in, let me help you fix... whatever the issue is. Together we'll be... whatever... stronger, happier... In love !” That's what you say, Derek ! You don't just walk away.”

Fuck, Derek was not prepared for this, but Braeden made sense, didn't she ? Together ? Maybe everything could work out ? Maybe all of Derek's issues and Stiles' issues would be void if they were there for each other ?

No. No, that wasn't how the whole thing worked. No. Someone cannot be the fix to your problems. It wouldn't be healthy. One of them would fall and one of them would have to be the crutch and it would destroy them when the whole thing fell apart. Destroy both of them, all three of them. Derek couldn't do that. He couldn't risk this, he couldn't hurt them.

“How come you have such romantic speeches on hand, just ready to come out ?” Derek said forcing his tone to be light and uncaring.

“Well, it's either I'm a romantic, or I watch the Bachelorette too much...” Braeden answered with a shrug and slight tilt of her head.

“Oh God.” Derek grunted. “You almost had me there for a second.”

“It doesn't matter where I got it from. The advice is still worth something.” Braeden smiled.

Derek huffed, pressing the heel of his palms to his eyes. “From the Bachelorette ? Jesus, Braeden, it's like I never knew you.”

“Shut up ! I watch it ironically.”

“Yeah, I'm going to pretend I believe that for both our sakes.”

“You're a jerk !” She laughed.

“Yeah, how about you say that to the guy who got engaged on the show but had a girlfriend back home. My friend Erica watches the show ''ironically'' too." He said with the air quotes, he knew Braeden hated the air quotes as much as he did. It was perfect to convey his hatred for this conversation. “and I was there to witness the whole fiasco and Erica's eyes had ironic tears and ironic fuck yous were yelled at the TV. She could barely handle seeing a guy in the room for the next 24 hours. All very ironically.”

Braeden laughed again. “Aw man, give me her number we should get together to have watch parties !”

"Ironic parties, sure.” He said with a fake air of disgust. He actually wouldn't mind if Braeden stayed in his life after the end of Famous 15. They were much better now as just friends.

It stung a little bit to announce on air that he would be removing himself from Famous 15. It wasn't decided yet, if the radio would be replacing him with someone else or just cancel the show entirely. Derek didn't really care either way. It wasn't like the show was essential to the radio well-being. It was just a show created for Derek because Braeden had put in a good word for him with the boss. Derek hadn't earned anything here, didn't deserve any credit, didn't leave a legacy for future radio shows. It was just a little bit of fun and interaction with the auditors through poetry.

He was convinced nobody would notice if the show got cancelled entirely.

As soon as he said that he would only be doing Famous 15 for the next month before leaving permanently, his twitter started blowing up with notifications. So much, it actually distracted him from what he planned on reading for the evening. People were asking if he had been fired, people were sending crying emojis and gifs of people setting things on fire. #Famous15byDerek started trending regionally. It almost made him regret his decision to quit.

He tried to temper things down by saying it was his own decision and that he would be going onto his next project of which he was not allowed to disclose any details at the moment but would be very soon.

Derek went on and read a poem who had been written by a retired high school janitor. The poem had been sent in a real letter via the post office, it was on an old yellowed paper, written in cursive. The note attached to it said it was the first love poem he had written for his wife who had sadly passed away recently.

The man said he had never listened to the show, with it being so late in the night, but his granddaughter was a fan and aspiring to be a writer and he wanted to give her something to keep her going and push her to share her writing with the world and just be a little less scared.

Derek kept the yellowed paper securely in transparent folder and had every intention of sending this family heirloom back to his rightful owner. To have loved someone so deeply and for so long, he couldn't just throw it away or keep it to himself.

He hoped the man would give the written poem to his granddaughter and tell her everything he felt and more.

The week days at work were filled with excitement from all parts. Finstock had introduced Parrish and Greenberg to Derek as the other team members for Potato Whispers Mag. Derek had hoped he could maybe change the name but to no avail. How could anyone be taken seriously with Potato Whispers on his resume ? They would have to work twice as hard to turn it around and make it worth reading.

Parrish seemed like a good guy, a little socially awkward but Derek could understand that. Derek had still some work to do on himself to be genuinely comfortable. Greenberg on the other hand was a complete tool. Derek suspected that he had been the one to come up with the name. Finstock acted like he hated his guts but there was something a little off with the insults. Derek couldn't quite put his finger on what it was and just frowned at them while waiting for the unpleasant back and forths to be over.

Parrish who had already worked on a project with Greenberg, explained to him one day in the break room, that Finstock's daughter had had a thing with Greenberg at some point. No need to say it didn't end well. The problem was that Finstock actually adored the guy, and secretly still wanted to invite that idiot at his family Sunday brunch.

Derek hoped that _ugh Greenberg_ wouldn't have to be his new office face. Malia just laughed.

*-*-*

“Shut up !” Derek heard someone shout from the other side of the door as he was coming up to his apartment.

Derek had just slid his key in the lock. He opened the door slowly, frowning.

“It's decided on Mexican so now all of you can shut up !” Scott exclaimed again standing in the middle of the living room.

Derek froze mid-step in the middle of the doorway. He had just walked into some parallel universe, there was no other explanation. There, on his couch were Boyd and Erica which wasn't so surprising, but also Isaac and Allison. And Liam was sitting on Derek's usual spot on the floor, near the coffee table. They were all talking loudly as Scott was holding his phone to his hear.

What the actual fuck.

“Dude ! I'm just ordering, what do you want ?” Scott called out as he spotted Derek. “We're having ME-XI-CAN” he said accentuating each syllable while glaring at Liam who was still arguing to order burgers instead. “You'd eat burgers everyday if I didn't stop you, so now shut up !”

“What...” Derek muttered.

Scott was on the phone giving everyone's preferences. Liam was still grumbling something about burgers. Scott glanced at Derek with eyebrows raised but Derek was too astounded to think of any kind of Mexican food or any food or even anything other than the fact that the pack of Stiles' friends were here in his apartment with his own friends.

His two worlds had collided.

Scott returned to his phone conversation. The others kept talking over him, adding dishes to the order, Scott tried hard to keep track on everybody's requests, got flustered halfway through it and looked like a terrified puppy. They all shamelessly mocked him and laughed, Erica and Boyd too. Scott had to start over and pointed to everybody in turn one more time and managed to get everything right enough and said thank you and goodbye to the person on the phone.

He then glared at all of them individually and also as a group.

Derek hadn't moved an inch yet, door still open, him still in the middle of it, key in hand.

“I swear to God, I never want to be in charge of ordering food for you people ever again !” Scott said, as he let himself fall back on the couch next to Allison.

Boyd came to greet him with a half hug and whispered something in his ear that Derek didn't catch. All he could hear was his heartbeat too loud.

“Don't freak out.” Boyd repeated.

It was a little too late for that but Derek could still try to reign it in. He had years of practice looking sane when really his mind hadn't been closer to sanity.

Boyd, his arm still around Derek's shoulders, led him to sit on the couch between Isaac and Erica. Erica kissed his cheek. He mentally thanked the familiarity of it. Isaac instead of pulling away, did the opposite and pushed his knee against Derek's just as he had finished settling down.

Derek nodded in his direction in a way of greeting. He didn't say anything to anyone, he was glad they accepted it.

They soon went back to talking, about not much of anything it seemed, but the chatter rose up in the atmosphere. Derek wondered what all that was about.

The food arrived. Enough to feed all of them and then some. Derek hoped they would all take some of the certain to remain leftovers. Boyd would certainly call it a mexicapocalypse if he had to eat the same kind of food for a few days.

His disapproval of repeating dishes was not just about instant noodles.

Derek relaxed a little. Boyd was sitting across from him, he had decided on a chair instead of the now too crowded couch. Erica was by his side. It felt familiar.

Even with all the added people, the full house, the couch being too small, body parts touching from all sides. Derek was not uncomfortable. He knew everyone, they were all good people. People with whom he could be himself.

Liam started talking about sports, which was a safe enough subject for Derek to be able to say a few banalities. He had no real ties to any team or any game, except maybe basketball as a walk down memory lane of his high school experience. It was a safe subject for Isaac too as it turned out who only cared very little about the subject, and more something for Scott to focus on as he excitedly joined in talking about his Lacrosse glory days, which apparently weren't always that glorious if Derek was there to judge the extent of Scott's bench time.

The girls were aside and Erica obviously started flirting because Allison had that look on her face, like she was either ready to run and save herself or pounce and make out with her. One or the other, probably a little of both like anyone who came into contact with Erica.

Boyd came to him as Derek was going to the kitchen to get some glasses of water for everyone, a good excuse to be alone and breathe enough to recover some socializing energy.

This wasn't hard, this wasn't like that time he had to sit through Finstock's Christmas party at the office. That had been excruciating.

This wasn't. This felt nice.

But Derek wasn't good with people. He had socialized all day at work already. He could only be relaxed to a certain extent before his instinct to just retract came rushing back. He didn't want to retract, he wanted to let them know they were welcome in his life if that was what they were trying to convey by coming and having take out Mexican food at his place. Of all places.

“You're fine.” Boyd said quietly. It wasn't a question.

“I know. But what is this, Boyd ?”

“People who care about you apparently. But I can't really tell you more than that. Scott and I were texting about something else entirely and suddenly I said OK to something and _that_... happened.” Boyd gestured to the living room, he looked confused with himself.

Derek snorted and relaxed a little more. “I know the feeling. Their outing/party-planning thing is a well oiled machine.”

“Yeah, it's like snap your finger magic, suddenly a bunch of people are at the door and then there's food and voilà !” Boyd exclaimed.

He was right to be confused. Things had never been that easy between Derek and him, it took so much time to plan something between Boyd's need to organize every details and Derek's I-don't-care attitude which was insufferable to Boyd, they mostly cancelled plans before even planning them.

“That's what you get when you give your home address to Scott McCall.” Derek said.

“Come on, you said you were not mad about that. Anymore.” Boyd said with worried frown clouding his face.

“I'm not. Like you said, I'm fine. This is fine.” Derek said grabbing his friend's shoulder to put more weight on the word. It was fine.

It was fine.

Except, for Derek's chest which tightened slightly because the chatter and the people around reminded him about who was actually missing in this scene.

They were all trying very hard to not say his name. They had to make the effort, they had to, there was no reason or any possible way they could all be gathered there in Derek's apartment, without _him_ being there, and not talk about him. At all. They had a pact to not talk about it, Derek was sure of it, and he didn't know how to feel about it.

He was thankful they were not interrogating him about what had happened at Lucy's party. He didn't want to talk about that, he didn't want to talk about any of it. He was thankful for the light conversation going on. He was thankful they were all gathered in his apartment. He was thankful about a lot of what was happening at the moment.

It would certainly hurt if they talked about him, if they told Derek how good he was doing now that Derek wasn't in his life anymore. It would certainly hurt more if they said his name, like it was something meaningless, like he was just someone who gets a mention and nothing more, like he was an old classmate or a neighbor, no one of importance.

It would certainly hurt more than nothing.

Nothing was probably easier.

But it felt like an eternity, like Derek's ears were only focused on the absence of this name being pronounced, the absence of knowledge about this name and the well-being of the person to whom the name belonged. Derek forced the feeling down, swallowed it whole.

This was fine.

This was fine until well into the night. The food had been eaten and then eaten some more. The chatter quieted down. Liam started to doze off on the couch, feet on the coffee table between two half-empty boxes of take out. Allison told Scott it was getting late and they should be going home, take Liam home too. Isaac was already straightening up to leave as well. Derek stood up to see them at the door and thank them for coming.

It could have stayed fine. They were all out, but Isaac's foot stayed in as Derek was about to close the door.

“Have you forgotten something ?” Derek frowned.  
“He's going to figure it out.” Isaac said in a low whisper, eyes locked on Derek's with intent. “ _Stiles._ ” Derek just stared, his breathing heavier than before. There it was, the name he had longed to hear all night. “ _He's going to figure it out._ ”  
“Figure what out ?” Derek said, his tone raspier than he expected, a shiver traveling down his body. Isaac just shrugged in response. “Should I-- ?” Derek said. His voice cracked, thought half formed, couldn't make up the words.

He felt slightly embarrassed by how desperate that sounded. But Isaac had said the name. The one name that could make or break Derek's world.

“I don't know what to tell you or not. Scott asked us not to, because he didn't want to make you uncomfortable, and today was just about you and us and - Scott has this thing with Boyd now because Scott is like that, he's a people person. And you know, Scott's allegiance to his friends is everything. And I have my allegiance to Scott, but I don't know, with you, maybe it's orphans club's allegiance, or maybe it's just because I'm not a bad judge of character, and I feel – I know – you're a good guy and you deserve to catch a break. And he does too.” Isaac said.

“What are you saying ?” Derek asked. His whole chest was pounding. The blood in his veins bubbling, too much blood, too little space.

“I'm saying, don't give up just yet.” Isaac said with a tight knowing smile.

Derek knew they knew about him, Derek had nowhere to hide about how he felt, everyone knew. But they also knew about Stiles, and the extent of Stiles. Nobody ever said anything, until that moment.

Bless Isaac or curse him. One or the other. Because Derek's mind was not dealing with this information properly. What did he mean ? Give up what ?

Isaac mouthed a goodbye. Derek couldn't hear a thing over the sound his pulse made in his ears. Isaac was out the door, the door closed. Derek was just standing there trying to make sense of things. _Don't give up just yet._ Derek wasn't giving up, he couldn't have even if he had wanted to. And he didn't want to. But giving up what exactly, hope that maybe things would change ? That Stiles would wake up one day and want Derek ? No... Derek didn't dare hope that. Had never dared hope that.

Erica was getting up, she could probably feel he was upset. They had that kind of telepathic bond all three of them.

He couldn't do that, he couldn't stand there and let her hug him and ask him what was wrong. He couldn't do that, not when all he wanted to do was call Stiles, ask him what Isaac meant, finally understand what everything meant.

Braeden was right, Hollywood made billions on miscommunication but Derek wasn't the one miscommunicating here, they were all miscommunicating to him. He grabbed his keys and phone and left before Erica had even crossed the room.

He'd have to apologize later.


	8. A Farewell

He just wanted to drive to clear his head but his head was having none of that. He drove and he stopped and he parked the car, as sure as he was breathing, he was in front of Stiles' house. It was the middle of the night, early hours of the morning to be exact. The house was dark and black. What did Derek expect ?

He pulled out his phone from his pocket before thinking anything of it.

_Are you up ?_ Derek typed before his resolve left him completely. He closed his eyes and let his forehead drop on the steering-wheel.

The phone buzzed. _Yes_

Derek's whole body was trembling. He let out the long breath he had been keeping locked in his lungs.

_I'm outside._ Derek typed, already climbing out of the car. The light from the upstairs bedroom turned on. His phone buzzed with an incoming call.

Stiles Stilinski. A picture of Stiles flashed on the screen, one Derek had taken that evening at the lake without him knowing. A picture taken solely for art's sake.

Derek looked up at the opening window upstairs, light glowing from behind Stiles' silhouette. Derek swallowed thickly, his hand tightened on the phone in his hand.

“Hey,” Derek said, taking the call.

“Hey, Romeo.” Stiles said, Derek could hear the smile more than see it under the moonlight. He could hear Stiles through the phone, he could hear him from above too, even in the low voice he used to not wake up Lucy. “We're not going to reenact the balcony scene, are we ? I'm coming down, okay ?”

“Okay.” Derek breathed out. He shook his head slowly. They hadn't seen or talked to each in weeks and Stiles was making a Romeo and Juliet joke like it was nothing, or maybe everything. Derek had lost all control on his heart.

They were not star-crossed lovers. They were not cursed. No star was betting against them.

The window closed, the light turned off. Derek forced himself to breathe, until the front door opened and Stiles walked out, unkempt hair, in a black t-shirt and grey sweatpants and bare feet.

The phone call hadn't disconnected. Derek had followed through Stiles' way downstairs, he had first heard him open and close the room next to his, checking on a still asleep Lucy, Derek guessed, he had heard the soft creaks of the stairs as Stiles tried to walk down quietly.

Derek could see him perfectly in his mind, and there he was then in the fuzzy nighttime atmosphere, at the door, not bothering to turn the porch light on.

“Hey.” Stiles said again. Derek hang up the phone and let his hand fall by his side.

“Hi.” Derek couldn't think of anything else to say and fell silent for a moment. He examined Stiles, his same tired eyes, his soft features, the hem of his shirt riling up just a little. “Sorry for waking you up.”

“I wasn't sleeping.” Stiles said, closing his arms around himself when a gust of summer breeze twirl around them. His head gestured to the front steps before he took the couple of strides and sat down, looking up at Derek expectantly. He waited until Derek sat down, not exactly next to him, but on the bottom step while Stiles was on the top one.

“I should be... talking...” Derek said awkwardly, staring at his hands joined together on his lap.

“That would be good, since you're the one who came all this way.” Stiles answered lightly. He pressed his calf against Derek's shoulder. Maybe accidentally at first, but then he pressed more firmly as an encouragement.

“I've just had the most surreal evening.” Derek said quietly.

“What happened ?”

“You weren't there.” Derek admitted, turning his head slightly to face the younger man but not quite meeting his eyes in the admission. Derek shook his head to clear his mind. “Scott happened.” That sole sentence was explanation enough.

“Oh my God. That's it, you were adopted ! You're one of Scott's babies now.” Stiles chuckled. “What was it ?”

“A... surprise Mexican take-out party at my place. With my friends... and all of yours.” Derek scratched the back of his head with unease. “And you weren't there.” He repeated, his mind kept circling back to it. The one wrong in the whole equation.

“Okay.” Stiles frowned. “I don't mind that they like you, if that's what worries you.”

“That's not what worries me.” Derek countered a little too loudly, before taking a long breath. He could feel the vibration of Stiles' fingers twitching behind him. “I feel like there is some piece I'm missing here. I need to know if it's me, if I haven't made myself clear, if I should clarify--”

“No.” Stiles let himself slid on the bottom step next to Derek. “You're pretty clear.”

Derek turned to look at him. There was a tiny smile fighting his way on Stiles' lips but he fought it back by pressing his mouth in a tight line, that same crinkle on the forehead he had when Stiles had kissed him the first time on this very porch, just a few steps closer to the door.

Stiles continued. “If I had any doubts before, I didn't have any when you left, and I still don't have any now, with you being here... looking like that.” His hand gestured at Derek's person as a whole. Derek had no clue what he looked like at the moment, nor did he really care.

“What is going on ?” he asked. “Because, Stiles, I can take rejection, but I feel like there's more than just not wanting me and I – ” Derek stopped himself because the words about to come out of his mouth were a little too close to his conversation with Braeden, _I want to be there for you._ The rest of it would be spilling out too, Derek was certain, and that wasn't something he was ready to say out loud just yet.

“Derek, it's not re-” Stiles stopped himself too, closing his mouth shut tight mid-word, as his hand reached out to smooth the frown on Derek's face with his thumb.

“Should I tell you ?... that together -”

"No !” Stiles countered and then his lips were on Derek's to shut him up. Derek's hands instinctively grabbed Stiles' sides to bring him closer. It wasn't so easy as they were sitting on the steps, their knees bumping, but he held on tightly nonetheless. “Don't talk, don't say words you might regret.”

“What's wrong ?” Derek murmured against Stiles lips.

“Derek...” Stiles pleaded, voice almost gone.

“Do you want me to go ?” Derek said, his top lip not leaving Stiles'. He had never guessed it was possible to have conversation like this. Never cared much for conversation to bother doing it while kissing. But there, with Stiles, talking and kissing were the same.

“I just want to kiss you for a little while” Stiles whispered, as his lower lip brushed against Derek's. “If that's okay.”

“Okay, yeah...” Derek said closing the gap and opening to Stiles' mouth. How could he ever say no to that. Stiles' hand was in Derek's hair, pulling just slightly.

They were just kissing. There was no next step. It was a little desperate and frantic at first, it turned sweet and lazy soon enough. There was no next step. Just this. Derek had never recognized how much went through kissing before then. It was an art really.

He wondered for a second how many last kisses with Stiles his heart could possibly handle before Derek started to bleed out.

Derek pulled away and nuzzled his nose up Stiles' jaw when he felt the younger man had relaxed so much that sleep started to fight for dominance. Derek realized only then that their hands had found a way to each other and Stiles' fingers intertwined with his, holding tight. Stiles sighed before opening his eyes.

“I'm going to go. You need to rest.” Derek said, starting to pull away.

That could be enough, there was no explanation, no nothing, just Stiles. Nothing resolved, that could be enough.

“Don't !” Stiles' fingers tightened around his, almost hurting. “Don't go.”

“Lucy is going to be up in a matter of a couple hours, so if you don't want to talk, then better get some sleep - »

“I don't care about sleep.” Stiles countered quickly. “I'm not going to sleep anyway. I don't sleep Derek. I don't sleep, ever. I'm fucking terrified. Of everything. What if I'm a bad parent ? What if I try and try and I get it all wrong ? I'm messing it all up.”

“You're not.” Derek wanted to go for a light tone.

This had to be a joke. It had to be, but then Stiles' face was not playful at all, missing the crooked smirk and the sarcasm. Derek wasn't sure where this was going but Stiles seemed to finally open up and maybe, just maybe, Derek could have some clarity.

But it made no sense, Stiles couldn't really believe he was a bad parent.

“She told me you're always there. You pick her up from school, you play with her, you're there when she's sick, you love her. You're not a bad parent.” Derek said.

“She's trying to take care of me. A four year old. She's trying so hard but it's not her job. I'm the parent. God, I understand why my dad would get so mad at me sometimes for trying to take care of him. And I was a teenager. Lucy is four. She's four. This is so much worse... and what if I die ?” Stiles said, eyes wide. Derek was taken aback, this turned very dark, very fast. “What if I cross the street one day and I get crushed by a truck and my body is just a splash of blood and broken shattered bones and nobody knows it's me ? What if I die in a self-defense case when I try to choke Harris to death and he pushes me back against the goddamn fake katanas he insists on keeping at the office ? They're fake but they are still sharp, they could definitely kill me... Where would Lucy go ? There's just me. But what if I'm dead ? I can't ask my dad, he keeps telling me how he's finally able to relax and think of himself now that I'm an adult. It almost killed him to take care of me after my mom died. He deserves to think about himself. Lydia wouldn't want her, she wouldn't take her. I can't ask Scott and Allison, they're young and they have to get the chance to start their family in their own time with their own child. I couldn't ask anyone. There would just be Lydia's mother, but she's a bitch. I can't die and leave Lucy with her. I can't die. What if I die ?” Stiles stopped to take a sharp breath. “What if I have dementia like my mom ? My dad has been terrified I have it ever since she was diagnosed. She was not even 30. I've known her sick longer than I've known her healthy and that's counting the years I can't remember because I was, you know, a baby. How could I not be terrified too ? What if I destroy everything and everyone around me before I let the disease destroy me ? What if I do that to Lucy ? What if I break her ? What if I do that to you ? I couldn't do that to you, Derek. I couldn't let you... care about me, and do that.”

“You're not dying, Stiles” Derek answered blankly. Fuck, he was not prepared. He swallowed thickly, he throat closing. He had to find something better to say to fight all this dreadful flood.

“Well I could be... Everyone dies.” Stiles shook his head. He seemed to have already made all the arguments and counter arguments and knew every possible twists and turns and outcomes of this conversation. Derek couldn't fight it. _Everyone dies._ There was no way he could counter that and Stiles knew it all to well.

Stiles bit his lip hard, it was all red and swollen when he released it.

“What if we try and it doesn't work out ? What if we try and Lucy loves you and I do too. And it doesn't work out and I lose you and she loses you too.”

Derek sighed loudly.

He didn't have an answer to that, not when there was a tiny bedroom for Stiles in his chest, not when Derek knew this had to be what Laura had described all these years ago. This had to be something close to that, maybe even stronger than that. Derek couldn't imagine it ending.

Still, he forced himself to imagine it, having Stiles and then not having him. Finding a little space there, in this family, maybe being accepted as part of it, and then not having it. His first instinct would be to run, run from the pain, run from the despair, from the guilt of failure. Failing something so good might very well kill Derek. But he wouldn't – couldn't – do that, not if running hurt Stiles more than staying.

“We could stay friends. I care about her. I'd still care about her.”

“You say that now, but we don't know." Stiles shrugged. His hand finally let go of Derek's. Defeated, Derek's fingers felt cold, twitched and closed at the loss.

“We don't, but I know how I feel now, for you and for her.” Derek murmured. This was the closest to a confession he had ever been in his entire life.

“Yeah but I don't.”

“Oh.” Derek breathed out. Stiles let his head fall in his hands.

There it was, rejection. It was a long time coming.

Still, Derek didn't move. He didn't run. He didn't break anything. He stayed, immobile in the dim light of the lamp post across the street. He looked over at the potted Dumb Cane plant on the side of the porch. The one Lucy had said they had planted to fight off evil spirits and she wasn't allowed to touch because it was toxic. Derek hoped this plant was strong enough to protect them. He looked at the porch ceiling painted blue that made this house look like a Southern mansion when really it was just a suburb house located anywhere but in the South. It was like looking at the blue sky on a sunny day, even in the shadows of the night.

Something in him wanted him to stay, to see this through.

There was something there he couldn't let go.

“You know what ? No.” Derek said, getting up. “I'm going to say it. Maybe you need me to say it. Or I need to say it... I'm falling for you. For both of you. For you and for her. For you with her. That means something to me. You don't understand what it means to me. I didn't know I could feel this, I didn't think it could happen to me. But I'm not broken, it is happening. Right now. You. And all that shit you're carrying, we can deal with it, we can fix it. I want to believe we can. What's important is you. This family. The whole family, even with Scott and Isaac and _God_ , even Liam. I miss it. I miss you. And I – I can see it. How good it could be. How I could maybe fit in it somehow. How much I want to. I can picture it. All of it. A night like tonight, but with you there on the couch. The 4th of July picnic next year and the years after that. I would bring in Boyd and Erica and he would gift some fancy overpriced wine because he apparently had to educate his pallet to look professional at his firm and is now unable to drink anything else, and Liam would get drunk on it not caring that the bottle cost a few hundred bucks. I can see it. I can see you with Scott and Allison's baby. I can see us there. Surrounded by all our friends, with Lucy running around or dancing or anything. Because all of this, all of these people, they're you, part of you. And you are so much more. And I want all of it. All of it... Not just the happy days, Stiles. Even the bad days, I want all the bad days. Even the days where Lucy will catch the flu at school and we would all feel so miserable. Even the days where you don't feel good, I don't know if I could maybe make it a little better. I'd certainly feel a little better with you. _Fuck,_ I don't even fantasize about sex anymore, I just dream about holding your hand. Holding hands, just like we were five minutes ago. And it's good that you let all of your anxiety out and now I'm letting whatever this is out too. It's all out, and I don't want to be scared. But listen, if it's not meant to be, then I guess the stars are still the stars, and life will go on and... I don't know if I can ever feel this way again but it will have to do. It's just not what I want... because I want this. And I think you want it too.”

“I can't do this.” Stiles said, barely audible with his head bent down almost to his knees, his hands over his temples.

“Should I leave ?” Derek asked.

Stiles barely made a soft noise in response. Was it a whimper or a grunt, a yes or a no. _Shit_ , this conversation was not working for Derek.

Some part of him, just wanted to push Stiles down onto the steps, cover him with his whole body, and kiss him, kiss him until he forgot all of it, forgot even his name if possible, for the name to be Derek's to hold and cherish, like the rest of him.

Some other part, though, the reasonable part just told him, Stiles didn't want him and there was no use, not if Stiles didn't feel it the way Derek did. No little room had been built for Derek in Stiles' chest. Stiles' bones hadn't rearranged, Derek's smiles hadn't cemented it. Maybe Derek hadn't smiled enough.

“I'm going to leave.” He said, finally, rubbing a hand on his face down to his jaw. “Goodbye.”

Derek thought he heard something but couldn't figure out what, he was already walking.

Big strides.

He got to the car and didn't look back until he was seated in the familiar comfortable leather, turned on the engine and made a U turn. That was when he let himself look back at the house. Stiles was still sitting there on the bottom step, still his head bent into his hands.

Derek could see him shiver in the morning air.

He hadn't expected much coming here, hadn't thought much at all when he had grabbed his keys. He shouldn't have come, he should have driven away.

This was so much worse than not knowing. He had made a point the last time to not say goodbye, to not finalize it. But this, right then, this felt final.

Derek's heart had split in two.

*-*-*

Derek didn't say a word to anybody. This was done. The whole thing was just over. What did he expect honestly ? He had just let people get in his head. He had just let them sneak in and turn over his primal instincts. The ones that always told him that failure was inevitable.

The stars were still the stars. Not really. Maybe he had lied about that. That seemed like a thing someone sane would say. You don't want me and it hurts but I'll be fine. Derek was going to be fine.

He had gone out with Erica on Friday night. It had been months since the last time. He couldn't even handle the whole night.  
The nice buzz of alcohol, the feel of bodies.  
Yeah, no, he wasn't that fine.

He had half a mind to drunk call or drunk text Stiles or to just delete his number and all the pictures. His phone was a silent piece of junk now anyway.

But none of that was a thing he was really willing to do.

He decided to go home and bring Erica with him. She complained about her only nights of youth being taken away from her. Derek just wanted her safe.

The little room in his chest was still there, it was neither quiet nor loud. It just was. Something for Derek to keep, create a life around.

His job was fine, that was fine. Life with Boyd and Erica was fine too.

Derek kept his secret well, he faked it well. He forced himself to be fine. Nobody had to know he went to Stiles in the middle of the night and broke his own stupid heart by having too much hope. Derek, having too much hope, he could really laugh at himself now.

He buried himself in work, they had a magazine to build from the ground up. Everything was a blank slate and they could make it great. Derek knew they would.

“Are you guys excited about the first issue ?” Parrish said one morning, bringing them each a cup of coffee, in one of these cardboard carriers they gave at the coffee shop down the street.

Finstock was apparently not in the mood to appoint anyone to the task of making coffee in the morning. Derek certainly wasn't going to volunteer and Malia had learned her lesson. If no one asked her, she was definitely not going to be doing it on her own. So Parrish, who apparently felt too awkward buying coffee for just himself, bought them all coffee at least a couple of times a week.

“Excited, so excited yeahh,” Malia said sarcastically, grabbing the coffee.

The magazine was coming along without a itch and Derek had managed to schedule his podcast recording in the next week. He would have time to edit it, add the couple of paying ads they had been forced by Finstock to put in there.

He had an interview with a young new author. All of it was coming along just fine.

He was already making better money than before and he truly hoped the magazine would sell. At least one good thing in life.

He still had to say his farewell to Famous 15 on Saturday.

Braeden had planned a whole thing, with a good-riddance party as she called it.

He struggled a little with the selection of texts because what could possibly be good enough for his last live show, he had to make it count.

As he was talking about it during one of his lunch breaks, Malia in all her millennial glory came up with the idea of doing a live #AskDerek. That way, he didn't have to overthink it. It was pretty much set as soon as he had announced it on twitter.

Malia told him to study to not look completely incompetent because he was sure to get boring questions like “what was your favorite story ?” “who's your favorite author ?” “what's your favorite genre ?” “what's your favorite food ?”

He just rolled his eyes at her because none of these questions really required any studying to someone who actually cared about what they had done for the last couple of years.

He was a little confused about the food part of it but she assured him that it was bound to happen.

She had been absolutely right.

On Saturday, after having had all the socializing squeezed out of him during his farewell party. He found himself alone in the radio studio for the last time. He was pleasantly buzzing from the couple of cocktails he had. They really didn't think this through, all the other hosts had all finished for the day but Derek still had his 15 minutes to go through. He wasn't drunk but just a little tipsy around the edges.

The first questions came in quickly. He was glad, it could have gone horribly wrong if he hadn't selected anything to read and nobody twitted anything on #AskDerek.

#AskDerek why are you leaving Famous 15 ?

Derek explained quickly about his promotion and although he was not really allowed to give a shout out to another company, he gave the name of Potato Whispers. He was live and nobody was here to beep him. He was still proud even if the name was stupid. He wanted to preen a little at the job he and the whole PW team was doing.

#AskDerek what was your favorite story from all the F15 shows ?

There was one in the early days, a couple of months after he started the show, about a boy and a wolf. That one had to be his favorite because it had a lot of imagery and was very heartfelt.

#AskDerek Talk to us about a book that changed your life ?

This was a no brainer to Derek. _Into the Wild_ by Jon Krakauer was the ultimate life changing read for him where Nature was the amalgam of the inner and outer world and the unspoken link between human beings and their environment. The whole journalist side of things was amazingly done, the quotations from Thoreau, James Joyce all the transcendentalist movement brought poetry. Nature as a place “to explore the inner country of his own soul.” All of it spoke to Derek.

#AskDerek What food would you like to know how to cook but can't ?

Ah Malia would be so happy that this was one of the question. He answered without overthinking it, just the thing on top of his head. He'd like to know how to cook period if he was being completely honest. He was a sucky cook, but he'd definitely like to know how to make omelettes. An omelette with Spinach and Bacon would be a real achievement.

The show went on for a few minutes longer than the actual 15. He received a lot more questions than he expected, some were repeating and some where just other formulations of the same question so he managed to get through most of them without feeling like he had left anybody out.  
Still, he had to do two encores where he had already said goodbye and questions kept coming in.

He left the building feeling exhilarated, on a high from all the kindness he had received.

*-*-*

“Omelettes, uh ?” a voice said behind him as Derek was about to get to his car. It was a voice he knew very well.

“Stalking much ?” He managed to say, definitely not turning around. Not thinking about what this meant.

Stiles snorted. “Maybe. I figured it would be a little more dramatic than texting.”

“I see.”

“Derek, I...”

Derek turned around then and crossed his arms over his chest in that way he liked doing to give himself more presence. “Do you have a whole thing prepared ?”

“Pretty much, yeah.” Stiles fidgeted a little. “I rehearsed in the car on the way over. I was already on the way when I heard the omelette thing.”

“I know. As far as I know you can't teleport yet. You must have left before I even started talking." Derek didn't dare hope yet.

"Yeah... Scott came over to watch Lucy."

"Let me have it then.”

“Yeah... I should just tell you." Stiles swallowed, clearly nervous.

Derek's eyebrows shot up. "I'm listening."

Stiles took a deep breath. "I just want to say fuck to the status quo, and fuck to society's expectations and fuck everything in between. I want to fuck shit up, Derek. I do, and I'm sorry for the way I treated you. It wasn't you I was pushing away. I needed a change. I couldn't keep going on like this. I mean you heard my darkest thoughts, that wasn't pretty."

"I don't mind dark thoughts."

"Yeah, but it's better when they're not all that we can think about. I needed to be okay. I wasn't okay, no matter how much I faked it, how much I was trying to convince myself. I wasn't doing okay. So. I quit my job, told Harris to go stick his katanas where the sun doesn't shine, deep in there.” Stiles gestured it with his whole arm. Derek bit down a smile. “I know, single father, who's already a big ball of anxiety, quitting his job cold turkey. That could be terrifying. It is a little bit... except I figured I don't need a glamorous life that I don't enjoy living. I'm still young, I can't snap all the anxiety away by magic but I can take the time, I want to take the time. I have a house that is paid for, a roof over my little girl's head and a bank account that will allow me to figure shit out as I go. I think I can – I know I can figure it out. With time. So, right now, I just need to fix one thing...”

“Okay.”

“The other night when you came over, God, I felt so wanted. I've never felt so wanted." Stiles took a deep breath and let it out slowly. "I'm not afraid of you, Derek. I am not afraid of me -of me being with you. Anymore. I heard you say goodbye and I heard you walking away. It was like I died a little bit, because you left thinking I didn't want you. I freaked out, it's true. I freaked the hell out. I didn't lie when I told you it wasn't a gay freak out. I mean, I know I'm attracted to men, I think I've always known. But there's a difference between knowing and doing. What I mean is I am what we could define as inexperienced. So yes, I freaked out. The extent of my past romantic and sexual experiences starts and ends with Lydia and that was forever ago in another lifetime. Literally Lucy's lifetime ago. Since her conception, I don't know the exact date- I haven't been touched that way. Nor did I want to be. Because it's like I ceased existing as an individual the moment I knew she was coming. All I could think about was her and providing for her and doing everything right by her. Sex was completely out of my mind. Full disclosure, I didn't even touch myself for – I don't even know – three years maybe. I mean, I know people have sex even when they're parents. Of course, they do. But not me, I didn't think... I don't even know. And you, I freaked out about how much I wanted you. I thought I could just ignore it, ignore it and it would eventually go away. But it's not going away. Derek, you made me feel things I didn't want to feel, never thought I'd feel but I can't unfeel them. And the truth is I like feeling them. So much." He punctuated that with a lick of lips and God, Derek didn't dare breathe. "And although you are insanely, _insanely,_ hot, it's not just about sex for me either. You headed straight for my heart, you asshole. »

"Great choice of term of endearment."

"Yeah, I think so too !" Stiles smiled. "It's just that it took me by surprise. It wasn't planned. It wasn't expected. It was too much for a moment. Just a moment. Because I can't not give this a chance, Derek. I figured the sky isn't falling. I am. In fact, I've fallen quite a long distance already.” Stiles paused, seemingly waiting for Derek to say something.

“Are you waiting for me to say I'm here to catch you ?" Derek snorted. "Because that last part, with the sky falling, that's the one part that sounded really rehearsed.”

“Maybe.”

“I can't say that.”

“That's what you would say in my head.” Stiles stopped, looking a little distressed. “Is it because it would be too cheesy or am I coming too late then ?”

“I can't say that, not when I'm falling right along with you.”

“Oh,” Stiles swallowed loudly, nodding. “I can accept that answer. Yeah it's just as cheesy." Derek smiled. "It's just free falling then.”

“It seems like it. Are you done ?” Stiles gave a small decisive nod. “Can I kiss you now ?”

“Yeah, yep... » Stiles nodded vigorously as Derek closed the distance between them. "Hum, just one thing, going slow would be the right thing to do though, yeah ?”

“Anything you need.”

With a smile, Stiles examined the older man. “Okay.”

They kissed then, once then twice, then in a blurry haze of lips and Stiles' soft whimpers. None of these kisses were last kisses.

“Okay fuck it” Stiles breathed, his forehead resting against Derek's. “Derek, let's not go slow. Fuck the right thing to do. You can't know until you know, but when you know you know and I know. I could be fine, even without you. I'd be fine, you have to know that. You're not my magic fix, you're not a security blanket, not a vector for my anxiety. You're just you, and I'm me. A little messed up but me. And I want you. I want. I want the whole thing, the whole damn thing. I want you and me. I want you and me and Lucy. I'm not afraid anymore, I want -”

“Stiles, I'm right there along with you.”


	9. A Family

They couldn't manage to get into their respective cars. Not when Stiles was right there, cheeks flushed and eyes solely focused on Derek as if it was the first time he had ever seen him. Stiles couldn't let go of his hand. Derek never wanting him to.

They did however manage to cram into Stiles' jeep and drive without crossing a red light on the way to the house. Stiles kept glancing over at him and he tried to not play into it. Tried to look out the window, reign it in, not let his heart explode.

Scott was just there playing video games on his phone while waiting. The whole house silent, except for the tap-tap of his fingers on the remote.

“So how did it go ?” He asked without looking up.

“Pretty good, I'd say.” Derek answered, making Scott jump from the couch.

“Shit, Derek ! You almost gave me a heart attack, Jesus fucking Christ !”

“Sorry.” Stiles said, smiling. Derek wasn't going to apologize.

“So that's it, yeah ? If Derek's here, you guys sorted things out ? Don't tell me we still have divorced parents! The kids would never recover. Liam's been struggling, you know Stiles, a dad can tell these sort of things.” Scott said dramatically.

“Riiiight...” Stiles grinned. “I'm pretty sure your boy would have been fine either way.”

“Derek, my man,” Scott said, clapping a hand on both Derek and Stiles' shoulders as he was on his way to the door. “I missed that smile.”

“You and I both.” Derek said in all honesty. 

“Alright, this is my cue. Allison is waiting for me. I'll let you two love birds get it on!”

“How much of this do I owe to Scott ?” Derek asked, when the younger man had left.

A small laugh left Stiles’ throat before he answered, “What ? Are you implying I needed that crooked jawed bastard to help me figure things out ? Yeah, I did. I absolutely did. It's Scott, you know."

Derek knew, he was so thankful for Scott McCall.

"Yeah, he pushed me. Just the right amount." Stiles run his hand around the inside the neck of his shirt to go scratch at his shoulder. "In the _don't let him go_ department. And especially in the _I hate my job_ department. I mean, each of them, they're so proud of what they do or intend to do. And I wasn't. And one night, admittedly he was a little drunk but, he told me that if he could he'd be giving me to myself, but that I should give myself to myself first. Weirdly, that made sense. Apparently he's a veterinarian philosopher.”

"Invaluable profession." Derek said taking a step into Stiles' space.

"Absolutely." Stiles sucked his bottom lip between his teeth, eyes roaming over Derek’s face.

_"Stiles."_

"I don't even know how to start." He said in whisper, hooking his fingers in the belt loops of Derek's pants. Oh it felt like he knew very well how to start.

They half staggered up the stairs, got to Stiles' room as quietly as possible not able to keep their hands to themselves, stumbling in the dark.

“You're here” Stiles said under his breath as he would a secret. He shifted forward, clasped Derek's shirt, pulling him in closer, eyes bright with joy like this was everything Stiles could ever want. “God, I want you.”

“We don't have time. The sun is rising.” Derek said brushing his nose against Stiles' jaw.

“What ? What time can it be ? six ? We might have an hour before she wakes up if we're lucky, so let's go !”

Derek shook his head. “It's not that I don't want to. Because I do. I truly do. But I want hours, plural. Whole nights, plural.”

“Dude, listen to yourself, you're really nice with all your plurals." Stiles shook his head too. "It sounds great, I'm not gonna lie. But if you're looking for some kind of sexual prowess, Derek... I'm never gonna last that long.” Stiles' cheeks turned bright red. He scrunched up his nose as he smiled. “I mean, fingers crossed I last at least _plural minutes_ , but I'm not betting on anything longer than that. I swear we have more than enough time.”

Derek leaned in to kiss the stupid grin off Stiles' face.

He sighed, his lips not really leaving Stiles. “I just want to kiss you and hold you. I don't want to rush.”

Derek had shivers all over his body, running up and down his thighs, on the low of his back. All over.

Stiles grunted, head pulling back. “Is this punishment ? It feels like punishment.”

“I want time. Time to take your plural minutes and add another plural minutes and then add another one and maybe even another one. Until all the plural minutes make plural hours.”

“You never told me you were a mathematician.” Stiles murmured in Derek’s ear.

“I'm a man of many facets.” Derek smirked.

“I bet. Is one of these said facets, I don't know, naked ?”

“Hmmm... we'll have to figure that out. Later.”

“You're horrible!” 

“And you're tired. How about we go to bed and lie down for a while ?” Derek said taking a step backwards.

“Are you inviting me into my own bed ?” Stiles squinted his eyes, unimpressed.

“Yes.”

“With no intention whatsoever of sexing me up right now ?”

“None.”

Stiles sighed dramatically as he walked towards the bed. “I have to say, I'm very disappointed. I hope you know that you'll have no choice but to live up to your end of the bargain _later.”_

“Uh-huh.”

“For now, I think you mentioned something about kissing and holding. I am expecting _all of that_.” he said, finally sitting down.

Derek closed the gap between them and kissed him softly, pushing him down onto the mattress. Stiles didn't waste a second before pulling his shirt off.

Derek couldn't keep the words in, like a murmured prayer to Stiles' skin. They were pouring out of him like rain falls from the grey sky and gives life to the earth underneath. A slow pitter-patter of kisses, a pitter patter of words. How he wanted to know Stiles by heart, by touch, by smell. He wanted him spread out like this under his fingertips, under his lips. How his hands were made to run down Stiles' spine, trace patterns on his back. How Derek's lips were begging to kiss him, and where they couldn't kiss, Derek's hands would kiss him instead. How Stiles deserved to be kissed, every inch of him deserved to be kissed. Always.

How Derek couldn't believe he had been able to say goodbye and how he would never want to do it again. How Stiles was like a pulse rushing through him, a sunny day flowing through his veins.

“Fuck, Derek, soon you're going to tell me I'm a summer breeze turned into a hurricane” Stiles teased, voice hoarse.

“Maybe.” Derek smiled cheekily

“Fuck. I could come from just your voice saying words. Just so I could prove to you how much not tired I am.” Stiles stared at him eagerly. “I could tell you how many times I actually have. Listening to you. How I tracked down every single episode of Famous 15 and I listened to each one of them here in this very room. On this very bed. And there's the one... with that one story.”

Derek’s chest stuttered. “I think I know the one.” 

He knew exactly which one because there had only been one. The one story that was rated explicit. Derek had struggled with it a lot. The writing was excellent and it was very passionate. Derek felt it deserved to be put out there, but he wanted the tone to be just right. He had rehearsed it more times than he could count to make the strength of the words come across, to make the writer proud, to make the listeners feel.

It had been a risky move to read it on the radio, but the response on twitter had been amazing, and the writer had emailed Derek a long list of explosive and fire emojis.

“Yeah... that one. I've been listening to that one.” Stiles licked his lips.

Derek's stomach fluttered with a billion knots untangling at the same time. He kissed Stiles with intent then. He wanted him to feel, feel everything because maybe there weren't even words for how much he felt, nothing could be put into words.

All the words seemed insignificant when Stiles' lips were right there, the meaning of left-unsaid thoughts treasured for Derek to savor. And Derek needed to tuck his nose in the crook of Stiles neck and make a home there. Stiles' hands were everywhere, his hips pushing into Derek’s. He could feel Stiles hard, he could feel him writhing underneath him, Derek could barely handle the desperation. He was light-headed from it, from the need to take Stiles down his throat and taste him on his tongue.

Minutes could be more than enough for this. Just this.

Except it wasn't long -was it even minutes?- before a small voice and a big crash of toys were to be heard from the hallway.

“Shit, Lucy's already awake.” Stiles whispered with a nervous undertone. His breathing changed into something more frantic, not the sweet panting from before. It was discreet but Derek was right there, his chest against Stiles', there was no missing the shift in his behavior.

Derek hummed softly, stroking Stiles' jaw.

“Shit, I didn't think this through. What am I going to tell her ? I don't want to mess this up. What do I do ? What should I do ?”

“First you take a second to breathe." Derek said, kissing him quickly just as punctuation. Why the hell not. Kissing punctuation was a thing in Derek's life now. "Then I see several options."

"Okay. Good. I'm listening." Stiles said a little agitated.

"I could jump out the window and leave.”

“You could break your neck and you don't have your car. What's the next option ?”

“You could stay here and try to relax a little because she will feel it if you're nervous, plus I'm not sure she's ready to see you like this" Derek gestured to Stiles whole body. "And I go make her breakfast.”

“What ?” Stiles shot him a surprised look.

“Any option in between these two is fine too. It's your call.” Derek said calmly.

He wasn't stressed out. He wanted this. No matter how badly the whole morning could possibly go, Derek had wanted it for it seemed like as long as he could remember. Maybe even since that Sunday morning at the market. Already then, he had wanted this.

“You mean you'd go out there, walking out of my room straight in to the front lines and undergo an investigation from a Sheriff's granddaughter? Are you ready for all the questioning ? Do you have any idea of what you would be getting into?” Stiles said, incredulous, frowning and smiling at the same time.

“She's four.”

“She's smart.”

“I know, she's yours.” Derek smiled.

“And make breakfast ? Can you even make breakfast ?” Stiles' hands were talking now. Derek wanted Stiles' hands to talk forever.

“I can certainly pour a bowl of cereals or make instant oatmeal. But Stiles, I can also jump out the window or hide under the bed. You just need to breathe.”

“Daddy ? I can see light, it means it's almost time to wake up and it's almost time to get up !” Lucy sing-songed from behind the door.

“Go !” Stiles pushed Derek off the bed.

Derek stumbled a little as he leaned down to retrieve his shirt from the ground and slipping it over his head. He hesitated a second because he actually didn't know where he was supposed to go. Stiles snorted seeing him frown.

“Out there !” he said, gesturing vigorously towards the hallway. “Go before I second guess.”

Derek strode around the bed to lean a last sweet kiss on Stiles' lips. “Everything is going to be alright.”

“Don't promise things you don't know.”

“I'll scream if I need help.” Derek deadpanned.

Stiles huffed. “You do that.”

Derek kissed him again. He would never have enough.

*-*-*

"Where is Dad ?" Lucy eyed him suspiciously as he stepped out of the room.

"Hi, Lucy ! How have you been ?" Derek tried a smile. It didn't take. It was the first time he'd seen her suspicious of him. But this was her home and she was expecting her dad so Derek tried to not take it personally. Reminded himself that she actually liked him in the right circumstances.

"Where is my dad ?" She said again with a frown.

"In bed. He needed a few more minutes." Derek wasn't going to lie. She was a Sheriff's granddaughter after all and the look on her face wasn't predicting anything good right now.

"Is he sick ?" She asked pulling her wolf plush close to her chest, seeking comfort.

"No, no, he's fine. Don't worry."

"Why are you here ? Why isn't uncle Scott here if Daddy is sick ?"

"Daddy is not sick." Derek crouched down to be at her level. "Uncle Scott is at home with Auntie Allison."

"Is Auntie Allison sick ?"

"No ? I don't think so. Nobody is sick." Derek palmed the back of his neck nervously.

"Uncle Scott is at home with Auntie Allison." She accepted.

"Yes."

"And you're here."

"Yes."

"You're here." She said again, eyeing him up and down.

"Yes, is that okay ?" Derek asked softly.

"Yes." She concluded.

"How about breakfast?" Derek offered his hand to the little girl in sign of peace.

She took it, still frowning. "Very good idea. I have a tummy ache, a tummy ache from the stomach." She pointed her index finger right to her stomach. "Right there! It's empty!"

Derek huffed out a short laugh. "Alright we can make this better."

"Nope. Nope. Nope." Lucy said, arms crossed over her chest, sitting at the kitchen counter. "I want pancakes."

"There's no pancake mix." Derek shrugged. He had emptied half the pantry and nothing was apparently breakfast worthy. How was this so difficult ? It was just breakfast.

"It's Sunday morning and Daddy always does something special for Sunday mornings. It will be too sad if I don't have a special Sunday breakfast." Her lower lip started trembling.

Oh no, Derek was messing this up, he was. He tried think about something to maybe distract her, but there was no distracting an hungry child who wants a special Sunday breakfast. Even Derek wanted a special Sunday breakfast. He hadn't slept. He hadn't eaten in forever. 

"But there's no pancake mix." He tried again.

"Daddy never uses the stuff from the store." She pouted.

"Listen, kiddo, I don't know the recipe. I'm not a cook." Derek tried a little desperately. He sent out a silent prayer that she would maybe change her mind and accept the bowl of Cheerios he had already offered three times. Maybe he should scream for Stiles to come rescue him, but he wanted this to work. 

"I know the recipe !" She jumped up. "You need flour and sugar and eggs and milk and soda, or is it powder ? You need all of that and then you cook it !"

Derek ran a hand through his hair and sighed loudly.

Okay, Lucy had won and Derek was now making pancakes from scratch for the first time in his entire life. It was always time to redefine yourself, change lives, learn new things. Boyd and Erica would laugh so hard if they saw him in last night's clothes trying to find the best way to open a flour bag without making a mess. Derek tried to convince himself this wouldn't be a complete disaster.

Lucy stood up on the kitchen stool and gave directions excitedly. Derek's heart startled every time she moved, he was so scared she would fall off.

He poured the ingredients in a large mixing bowl and she stirred. The counter turned into a wet mess of splashes and a dropped flour bag. The batter was a little too thin in the end and the thing turned into fat crepes more than pancakes but at least it smelled good and Derek didn't burn anything. It still counted as a win.

"So what do we have here ?" Stiles smiled from the hallway. He looked fresh and still a little damp and flushed from a shower. "Is everything okay ?"

"No." Lucy said in all seriousness. Derek's heart sunk. She started coughing, fake coughing. "I am sick. Look." She fake coughed again.

"Oh wow, that's terrible." Stiles answered, blankly, fighting a smile. "Should we go to the hospital ?"

"No." She coughed. "I need magic kisses to make it all better."

Stiles came up to her and gave her several noisy kisses up her cheeks and ears.

"Ugh Daddy, that's enough now I'm all cured." She scrunched up her nose and rubbed her cheek clean. "Derek and I made pancakes ! I hope you're hungry !" She glanced at Derek suspiciously again then back at her dad. "You're not sick, are you ?"

"No, Monkey." Stiles said with a smile looking at Derek. "I'm great."

Derek held his breath because these words resonated inside of him, inside that little room next to his heart, the one just for Stiles and the feeling he got when his eyes met his own.

Stiles made his way around the kitchen and to Derek's side.

"Don't you need magic kisses too ?" He whispered in his ear.

"I might." Derek said even lower.

"These pancakes look --" Stiles stopped with a smirk. "good."

"Sorry about the mess." Derek said instead of answering.

Derek felt Stiles' hand find its way under the hem of his shirt and brushing on his lower back. "You haven't seen the bed." He breathed hot against his ear.

"Jesus." Derek shuttered. "You can't say that to me, Mister Natural Taste."

"Shit," Stiles huffed out a laugh and grinned. "I can't believe I said that."

"I still don't know what actually happened that day at the store." Derek frowned.

They had to google almost every item in Stiles' cart to know what they were and how to cook them. It had been a whole mess of obscure recipes and late nights reading up on the old vegetables and their origins. Who knew there was so much to know about Jerusalem artichokes? Boyd learned the hard way that if he ate them in large quantities, he would fart in large quantities too. Erica was horrified and laughed for the better of that week. 

"I don't know, man. It didn't make much sense to me either." Stiles' cheeks flushed a little bit brighter. "I just couldn't stay away."

Derek just looked at him then, and clenched his teeth tightly because all he could think about was kissing his lips and kiss that blood flow on his cheeks.

"So... Derek is what Uncle Scott is to Auntie Allison, right ?" Lucy cut in.

They both turned to her, staring mouth agape.

Derek's phone started buzzing. He sighed in relief, saved by the bell. He threw an apologetic glance at Stiles before going to grab it.

_"You're at Stiles' !! You jerk, you couldn't even call me ? I had to hear it from Boyd who heard it from Scott ! Jesus it's like we're not even friends ! How was it ? Is he a good one ?! Tell me all the crunchy details ! I swear to God Derek !"_

"Ericaaaa..." Derek grumbled into his phone.

 _"How could you hide this from me !!"_ Erica kept yelling down the receiver.

"It's barely 7:30. You were asleep, Erica. Boyd too !" He added a little louder because he was sure she had put the call on speakerphone.

 _"That's a wake-up-worthy news !"_ Boyd's voice came on.

_"Shut up Boyd. I have important information to gather here. How is his parsnip ? Good size ?"_

Derek choked. Stiles and Lucy turned around to look at him. He gave them an awkward tight smile.

"I am hanging up now." He said to his phone, his voice flat to convey how unimpressed with his friends he actually was.

"Everything good ?"

"Yeah." Derek answered because it truly was. Good. Strange feelings bubbling.

"So, I was just telling Lucy that yes, we were kinda like Uncle Scott and Auntie Allison." Stiles said, his face flushed pink, yet again.

Derek could watch that like he would a sunset, just the change and fluctuation of colors on Stiles' skin.

“Oh ?” Derek's eyebrows shot up.

Stiles shrugged. "Would you want to add or correct anything in that statement ?"

"Nope." Derek answered, coming back to stand next to him, a hand sliding down Stiles’ side to wrap around his waist, pulling him close. "Sounds good to me."

Cautiously, Stiles looked up to him and licked his lips. His face softened after a minute and he leaned closer. Derek didn't move. Stiles' lips twitched into a smile before closing the gap and meeting Derek's mouth in a very short and chaste kiss. That was the chastest kiss they ever exchanged. The porch non-kiss excluded, Derek refused to count that one.

Stiles stepped back and beamed. Derek could almost feel the unyielding goodness that seemed to just radiate from inside Stiles and outward.

Lucy hadn't even looked their way too busy with her plate of misshaped pancakes.

The morning went in a blur. The whole thing was such a routine, the time to settle Lucy with some paintbrushes and colored papers, Stiles was back in the kitchen to make an easy meal. Derek just stared like watching a dance around him. Small touches and fingers playing tricks every chance they got.

She came back to the kitchen to ask if she could maybe play on her new Ipad that Jackson had bought as a present for her birthday. Stiles grumbled something about screen time and Jackson needing to mind his own business but still agreed because it was Sunday and Sunday is a fun day.

Derek's eyes were starting to feel heavy. He wasn't young enough to pull all-nighters and not feel the effect of the lack of sleep. Senses tingling every time Stiles came near.

Isaac came over sometime around eleven. Stiles didn't even let him in the house.

"Go away Isaac ! Go ! Tell Scott to stop spreading rumors around !" Stiles exclaimed blocking the door with his whole body.

"Rumors ? Are you telling me there isn't a hot dark handsome -"

"Keep the adjectives coming, Isaac," Stiles rolled his eyes so hard Derek could see it from the back of his head alone. "I don't think you made your point clear yet."

"So ? Is he still here ? … you hesitated ! He is ! He is here !"

"Go away." Stiles said but with less force.

There was a minute of silence and Isaac added in a whisper almost too soft for Derek to pick up. "I think it's great."

"They're horrible. All of them." Stiles said after finally closing the door. “But what are you gonna do, right?"

"Right."

"I should drive you back to your car sometime." Stiles said absentmindedly as they were sitting on the couch with a Star Wars movies rerun. Stiles complained about the order in which they were showing the movies, but he was tired too and didn't have much energy to fight the TV.

Lucy was in her bed for her afternoon nap. Stiles had struggled a little putting her down because she was too excited about having Derek in the house. It was like a party, she had said. 

They were both so lazy, they had just dropped there and found a way to cuddle close without having to talk about it. Stiles' fingers tracing tangled lines on Derek's knee.

"Yeah, I guess I've been kidnapped."

"Or alien abducted." Stiles smiled against Derek's shoulder.

Derek leaned down to kiss his forehead softly. Stiles' hand reached for the back of Derek's neck to keep him close. They breathed each other. Stiles leaned forward and cupped his face, kissing him, just a sweet brush of lips. Without even thinking about it, Derek's hands wrapped around Stiles waist and pulled him into his lap. Stiles groaned, fidgeting a little to move closer still and slotted their mouths together, deepening the kiss the way only Stiles' mouth knew how to do.

Stiles moaned quietly, arching his neck back. The sound not quite covered by the noise of light-saber fighting from the TV, Derek wanted so much of it, so much louder. Derek went to kiss his jaw, his stubble rubbing against it, against the soft skin of Stiles' neck.

"Stiles." He rasped out.

Stiles' breath hitched. "Don't you dare talk to me about plurals right now."

 _"Stiles."_ Derek stilled his whole body.

"What ?" Stiles' mouth made the move to come kiss him but stopped and pulled back to moved back in again and stopped again. Just the ghost of his lips over Derek's.

Derek swallowed, leaning into the touches, unable to stay away.

Some things were meant to be secret, some things were meant to be kept inside, inside Derek's chest. But Stiles' mouth was the pull of the tide and Derek's heart was the waves, the flow of ocean. Each kiss was rearranging that little room inside of him, making it bigger and brighter.

Derek closed his eyes shut. There was something in the way his heart was soaring. Something he couldn't quite put a word on yet. Something radiating through him.

"What is it ?" Stiles asked again. Soft.

"I -" He looked straight into Stiles' eyes then. If eyes could find the soul underneath, Derek wanted his to take all this feeling and flood Stiles' soul in it. The words he was about to say stayed on his lips a moment before he managed to release them into the air, free and real. "I'm happy."

"Oh." Stiles breathed.

His grin was blinding.

Stiles leaned forward to kiss him again, tongue darting out to lick the words and their meaning off of Derek's mouth. Derek just wanted to kiss Stiles until he felt dizzy from it.

"Careful," Stiles pulled back, biting his lips. "I might believe you. I might want to keep you. And make you feel that way. All over. With my mouth."

Derek groaned helplessly into a kiss, pulling him closer again, his hands pressing down Stiles' back.

"Wow. How confident that sounded!" Stiles smiled brightly.

"Impressive." Derek tried for a light tone but the way his body all but melted under Stiles was giving him away.

"I need you behind a locked door, right now. Right the fuck now." Stiles said hoarsely, something urgent in him breaking free.

Derek let out a breath, and nodded, but he didn't want to move if moving meant letting go of Stiles. Stiles who was warm and firm under his fingertips.

He tried to get up, bringing Stiles with him. Derek imagined it as one smooth motion but really he wasn't that sexy. He tripped against the foot of the couch, fell back down hard. Derek pretended it didn’t hurt and tried again. He managed to get up, pushing himself with one hand and carrying Stiles' weight on the other. Stiles wrapped his legs around his waist and just let himself be handled while peppering little kisses over his face and jaw. Distracting. Derek tried to move but shit, his right foot got caught in one of Lucy's toys abandoned there on the living room carpet.

"Shit," He groaned, scrambling to right himself, his free hand trying to land on the armrest of the couch. "Shit." It was a fail. He twisted his whole body to be the one to hit the floor in a big loud crash.

"Oh my God !" Stiles laughed from above him. "Are you okay ?"

"Don't say a single word."

"Do you have a concussion ? You could have a concussion. How bad did you hit your head ?"

"I don't have a concussion. It's only my virility that's hurt." Derek gritted out.

"Oh, I feel your virility right here and I can tell you it's intact." Stiles said, fingers brushing against Derek's zipper before laughing again. "Come on, if you're not concussed then you can follow me."

Stiles got up and leaned down to slip his fingers into Derek’s. Derek did everything he could to not feel like an old man being pulled to his feet. Stiles didn't even look back and just pulled him up the stairs and into his room, closing the door, pushing him back against it.

  
  


"Wait," Stiles said, his hands tightening their grip. "What do you wanna do ?"

"Touch you."

Stiles huffed out a chuckle. "That goes beyond saying."

Derek pulled him up smoothly towards him, turning him over, flushing Stiles' back against his chest. He skimmed one hand around from behind him and down Stiles' chest, down and under the waistband of his sweatpants.

Stiles jerked against his hand. “Oh."

Derek pressed his hand a little harder, letting his fingers finally wrap around Stiles' dick, freeing him from his pants.

Stiles let out a sharp breath, squeezing his eyes shut. His head fell back against Derek's shoulder.

"Oh God, I'm gay. Or Bi, at least Bi. Oh yeah, I'm into men." He mumbled.

"Good to know." Derek tried to sound steady but all he could hear and feel was his heart pounding.

"I'm into _you_. I'm _so_ into you. Fuck."

Derek found a good rhythm. He mouthed at Stiles' neck, wet kisses over his pulse, hot breath over his ear.

"I can feel your dick hard against my ass and that's probably the hottest thing I've ever experienced. Like, in my life. My whole entire life. This is _so_ _hot."_

"You're ridiculous." Derek said fondly in Stiles' hair, his nose brushing against the short hair at the nape of his neck.

His gaze faltered a second because he just realized that this shirt was his. Stiles was wearing the shirt he gave him that night in the woods. Derek could tell from the small discoloration there on the back of the neck from that time Erica wanted to try to stamp bleach on one of her shirts and splashed it all over the kitchen and one tiny drop had landed on him. This shirt was his, and Stiles was too.

"You wanna know what's really ridiculous. Your pants-" Stiles words got lost when Derek flicked his wrist in just the right way. "your pants still on."

"We're both clothed." Derek said, hips thrusting against Stiles to accentuate.

"That's what I'm saying." Stiles craned his neck to reach back for him, cupping a hand on Derek's neck to kiss him. Slotting their mouths together somewhat awkwardly at that angle.

Derek couldn't take it anymore, he wanted to see him, feel him all over. He let go of Stiles, earning a broken noise at the loss of contact. Stiles let himself be pushed back against the wall as Derek twisted to be in front of him then. One hand gently curling around his hips while the other softly brushed at his jaw. Derek's lips met Stiles' then licking and nipping, almost biting. Tasting everything that was Stiles.

Stiles didn't miss a beat and his hands where on Derek's zipper in a second, moaning as he unzipped and he was finally able to touch.

Derek grabbed for Stiles' hand, guiding him through the motions, taking both of them in hand.

"Oh look at that." Stiles said, eyes transfixed as he looked down. "That's definitely working for me."

Derek hummed in agreement but he wasn't looking at the same thing at all. He was just watching Stiles, his eyelashes and the dark shadows they cast against his cheek. He was just _so beautiful._

The angle wasn't quite right for Derek, not quite moving fast enough, but it was working for Stiles and the warmth of him and the feel of him against Derek and the soft breathy noises he made were more than enough.

Derek kissed at his collarbone sweetly, moving to his lips to swallow the moans coming out as everything started to feel just on the verge of too much.

"Why on earth was I so scared ?" Stiles whispered against his mouth. Derek opened his eyes to look at him, he could barely breathe. "You're wonderful."

And Derek was gone then, his orgasm catching him completely by surprise. Stiles startled too, his hand letting go as Derek buried his face in the crook of his neck.

Derek groaned when Stiles tugged a hand through his hair.

Stiles pressed soft little kisses on the side of his face, any skin available to his lips and let out a short singing laugh. "I was trying so hard to not come first."

"Congratulations." Derek said bumping his nose to Stiles' cheekbone, while his hand wrapped around him again, wet and slick and fast until Stiles came, turning into a trembling babbling mess.

"So you never stop talking. Good to know." Derek smirked.

Stiles' nose flared as he exhaled, smiling. His tongue licked his lips in that way Derek had always wanted to taste, so he did.

"You seemed to enjoy it." He said lazily. Derek couldn't deny it. "And you were right. I want hours of that."

*-*-*

Derek finally got home, in slightly too small clothes that he had to borrow from Stiles. 

They drove him back to the camaro in the end of the afternoon, sun still high in the end of summer sky. Stiles and Lucy on their way for a Sunday ice cream.

Erica and Boyd both turned their heads simultaneously as he opened the door. Derek knew he couldn't escape it. He lifted an eyebrow at them and shrugged.

"So ?" Boyd asked his tone as neutral as possible.

"So. I'm home." Derek said.

"Great." Boyd said squatted a hand on Erica's leg as she clearly was about to say something more. "We'll be here if you need us."

"Okay..." Derek eyed them suspiciously as he walked to his bedroom door.

He just really wanted to go to sleep, catch up on a sleepless night and maybe on all the sleep he had missed in all of his life. He was bone-deep tired and also bone-deep content.

He had to unlock his phone to set an alarm for the morning. He was a little shocked then to see it had been blowing up with notifications.

Facebook. Again. The page took some time to load and then there it was, updated today.

  * Derek Hell is in a relationship with Mieczyslaw Stilinski




> **Mieczyslaw Stilinski :** Thanks for the update _Erica Reyes._
> 
> **Erica Reyes :** I have nothing to do with this, what are you talking about ?
> 
> **Liam Dunbar :** JFC that took a long time
> 
> **Allison Argent :** Called it ! *Heart Emoji* *Fire Emoji*
> 
> **Scott McCall :** _Allison Argent_ you called nothing you weren't even there ! I did all the work !
> 
> **Erica Reyes :** _Scott McCall_ Excuse you ! Have you seen what I had to deal with ?
> 
> **Isaac Lahey :** Why do I even hang out with you people ?
> 
> **Allison Argent :** _Isaac Lahey_ because you love us.
> 
> **Isaac Lahey :** Anyway, I'm happy for you guys.
> 
> **Malia Tate :** Whaaaaatttt ??? Is that a real thing ?
> 
> **Malia Tate :** _Isaac Lahey_ Hi, you look cute.
> 
> **Liam Dunbar :** I call it now, next project for you _Scott McCall_ : setting up _Isaac Lahey_ with whoever that _Malia Tate_ chick is.
> 
> **Malia Tate :** _Liam Dunbar_ I don't need anyone's help setting me up, thank you very much.
> 
> **Scott McCall :** _Malia Tate_ has to pass my perfect soulmate test before anything can happen. 
> 
> **Erica Reyes** : You tell them _Malia Tate_. Us girls don't need no man !
> 
> **Vernon Boyd :** _Erica Reyes_ What have you done ?
> 
> **Erica Reyes :** _Vernon Boyd_ I plead non-guilty.
> 
> **Mieczyslaw Stilinski :** You guys are nuts, you know that right?

Derek stared blankly at his phone. Jesus Fucking Christ. Derek typed quickly.

> **Derek Hell :** _Erica Reyes_ STOP HACKING MY ACCOUNT!

He also shouted it loudly towards the living room, just to make sure she got the message.

> **Erica Reyes :** _Derek Hell_ what's with the all-caps, you grumpy old man? It's not hacking if I know the password.
> 
> **Erica Reyes :** Just take the fucking love people send you, Derek !
> 
> **Mieczyslaw Stilinski :** I second that.
> 
> **Derek Hell** **:** If you're all against me, then I guess I have no choice.

*-*-*

  
  


It happened sometime in October. The leaves on the trees had turned their bright red and orange colors.

"What would you guys think of a Halloween wedding ?" Erica said brightly as they walked through the city streets.

Boyd's face softened, his step faltered. "Are you serious ?"

"Have I ever been anything but ?" She answered with a large smile.

A week later, Boyd ended up renting a 10-seater mini bus for the road trip down to Las Vegas. The whole thing was a mess of people talking over each other and Lucy getting riled up in her car-seat demanding to get out. Snacks and chips flying from one row to the next. A living universe inside a moving vehicule.

  
  


Derek took a couple of days off from work. Potato Whispers had done well in September and the sales of the October and Halloween Special issues seemed to be on track. The Podcast too, even though people on the internet had taken the habit of calling it PWP which Stiles found absolutely hilarious.

Stiles was enjoying his time off for now. His anxiety was still there but definitely losing ground as he had time to relax and breathe and actually see all the things he actually did right. Lucy was more than enjoying all the cuddles and having her dad around.

He decided to sign up for some classes at college, just to see what it was like, nothing serious he said. Derek just nodded along.

  
  


Erica was the most beautiful Morticia Addams bride Las Vegas had probably ever seen. There were tears. Boyd's tears. Again. But this time, Derek's too.

Lucy had her crab costume. She was glorious and sparkling from every angles. They papier-mached the whole thing and it took a lot of steps to get it exactly like she envisioned it. Derek ended up living an entire week at Stiles', never going home to his apartment except maybe to grab some clean clothes sometimes. Every waking hour had been spent between his job and the costume with Lucy. It was majestic in the end, all sequins and glitters.

It had been officially voted between all of them that Derek was the one in charge of costumes from now on. Derek didn't fight it.

And speaking of costumes, Stiles had on a Clark Kent costume right now and looked absolutely sinful. Tux fitting in just the right way, the Superman logo stretched over his chest and yeah, glasses were a thing for Derek apparently. He couldn't wait to rip the whole thing off of him.

He was so glad Boyd had rented a whole floor suite instead of spending his savings on a trip to Hawaii. That meant, they all had rooms. Stiles and Derek would have a room for themselves, and Lucy wouldn't be just next door. Such open possibilities.

Lucy laughed as she threw the rose petals all over herself. 

Stiles brushed his knuckles against Derek's hand as he walked by. 

Allison and Scott giggled on the side, joking about getting married too and stealing Erica's thunder. Erica threw her bouquet at them just because.

The way Stiles stared at him, with that little infuriating smirk and the lick of lips, from across the room from the moment Elvis started reciting the vows shouldn't have been allowed on this Earth.

But then again, this was Vegas, and Vegas didn't follow any rules, did it ?

Maybe life and love didn't follow any rules either.

All of this life and this love and these people, this new family, all fitted in that little room inside of Derek's chest. Maybe it wasn't that little anymore, maybe it wasn't even walled-in. Maybe it was more like a galaxy in an universe with so much more depth than Derek could have ever imagined.

"What's on your Vegas To-Do list?" Derek asked Stiles as they walked out the chapel.

"You." Stiles laughed. "Only you!" He called out running away.

Maybe Derek would float among the stars, holding Stiles' hand.

The End.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oops it sort of turned a little explicit for a minute there. My bad.
> 
> I hope you guys enjoyed this story!

**Author's Note:**

> If you enjoyed the story, consider leaving a kudo/comment.  
> Find me on [tumblr](https://fairydustedtheory.tumblr.com/tagged/plot%20twist%20:%20i%20write)


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